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Saltine vs. Premium - it's all a matter of taste. Experience The Cracker:
And Learn To Appreciate The GLORY.

Matt - 5.15.01

Underappreciated. Undervalued. Low in polysaturated fats. The common cracker has been a staple foodstuff in our glorious high society long before any of us were around...older than our family trees, older than the streets we live on, older than God himself. Truly, the cracker is what started it all: an often-overlooked giver of life in a world of water and natural childbirth. It's something - something special - that we've just absolutely taken for granted. Without crackers, our fine cheeses would be soiled by dirty fingerprints. Without crackers, our soups would be squarely categorized in the mundane. Without crackers, the airsick would be without salvation. Yes, we've overlooked our greatest resource. As a whole, we're shamed. Until today....

Today, we appreciate crackers. With the help of visual aids. And Bucky O'Hare action figures.

Toady: Captain N comics! You know, these Nintendo comic books were the first thing Valiant ever published. They're probably worth some money. Where did you find 'em?

Snake: That's the same line the guy at the comic shop fed me. I paid 40 bucks for both of 'em. He said they'd eventually appreciate once Nintendo buys America as a whole, and estimated their future value at 14 thousand dollars. I can't wait, finally I'll be able to afford pants.

Toady: Wait...wait a second...according to this book, Samus was a girl?

Snake: You didn't know that? That was the secret ending of Metroid!

Toady: Please. I gave up on that game right after I spent an hour and a half walking around only to find statues of the boss characters. I'm patient, but if they wanted that much attention, they could've done better than a 10-second loop with the music.

Snake: Face it, you just suck at video games.

Toady: Says you. I beat Duck Hunt.

Toady: Ahhhhh....this is the life. Is there anything better than reading comics and eating crackers on a beautiful day?

Snake: Probably, yeah. The ability to fly, or watching a Twilight Zone marathon, for instance.

Toady: I was speaking in the rhetorical. For future reference, I'm always speaking in the rhetorical. Never respond to me, your voice really grates on my nerves.

Snake: That's not my fault - I have scoliosis.

Toady: Scoliosis, huh? So you have something wrong with your does that fuck up your voice?

Snake: It just does.

Toady: You obviously confused scoliosis with laryngitis again, idiot.

Snake: It's the phonetic similarity. God, these crackers are good! I wish I knew more about them. Teach me.

Toady: Haha, well then you listen up! I spent a great deal of time learning everything I could about crackers. Mostly because I'm a frog and nobody would lower themselves to teach me anything else. I really wanted to learn accounting, but the school kicked me out when I kept pissing on the spreadsheets.

Snake: Okay...the crackers?

Toady: Right. See all those brown spots on them? Those are flavor crystals. The holes are there in case you want to make necklaces out of them. Also, much like snowflakes, no two crackers are like. And every one of them is made from different ingredients - occassionally, you'll find a cracker made from gold!

Snake: Wow, who told you all this?

Toady: Well, nobody persay...but it was definitely implied. Just trust me on this.

Snake: All this cracker talk is making me hungry. Let's eat some more!

Snake: Ut...

Toady: Well this isn't good.

Snake: Fuck, what are we gonna do?

Toady: I dunno, Snake. I just don't know. Somehow, we're down to...


Toady: I should get it. You're taller - I still have a lot of growing to do.

Snake: You're three feet tall. For a frog, you're doing pretty good. That cracker is mine.

Toady: Let's do this the civilized way. Whomever's first name starts with the letter closest to 'W' gets the cracker, deal?

Snake: I'm telling you now - if you eat that cracker, I'm eating you. One way or another, I will digest that cracker.

Toady: Fine, fine. Va bene. Then, I challenge you to a game. Winner takes Cracker. We'll play Krull!

Snake: Now I've seen everything. They actually made a board game based on the plankton that makes up the brunt of the balleen whale's diet? Amazing!

Toady: That's krill, you half-wit. Krull was this weird 80s sci-fi flick about these ugly monsters and a five-bladed sword. I'm pretty sure it bombed, but it must've been alright if they made a whole board game about it.

Snake: Toady, I'm appreciative of the fact that you are the only person - ever - to want to play this game. Still, I can't help but think there's much easier, much more suitable games we can play in our little war for the last cracker.

Toady: No go, sorry. I pissed on all the other games.

Toady: I'll be this green guy. You be the albino. I think whomever has the tallest game piece wins.

Snake: This is absurd - there's no directions, and the game is obvously incomplete. All you have are about ten game cards and one die. There's not even a spinner!

Toady: I'm a minimalist. I got rid of all the excessive and unnecessary game pieces to enforce fast and furious gameplay.

Snake: You just lost all the pieces! How are we supposed to play?! You don't even know the rules!

Toady: Yes I do. Whomever draws the coolest looking card wins.

Toady: Ummm. 'Black Fortress'. That's a wild card I think. I win by default unless you get a straight 21.

Snake: I can't even read my card. The ink is all dilapidated. Ask R2.

Toady: R2, who has the cooler card?

R2-D2: Bwe-weeeep!

Snake: If we were playing for anything other than a cracker, I'd just let you win. This is just awful.

Toady: Well it's too late to turn back now. That cracker isn't getting any younger. We have to finish the game before it spoils.

Snake: Look, I'm not playing this anymore. There's no way either of us can win without knowing the rules.

Toady: We'll do it Calvinball style. We'll just make up the rules as we go.

Snake: Fine. My first rule is that nothing you say counts. My second rule is that I can eat the cracker while we play.

Toady: That's not how you play! We have to do this the right way.

Snake: That's it - see? See what I'm doing? I have no arms - I can't possibly play without arms. I'm protesting.

Toady: You're really not helping the situation any by acting like this. Wait a know, we better go check on that cracker. You never know what dirty scavengers are out here waiting to steal food.

Snake: This isn't Harlem, Toady. We're in the backyard.

Toady: Fine. I just miss looking at it. Come on, let's go...

Snake: Holy shit, its one of...those things! One of those peanut things!

Toady: Wow, I wonder what kind this is. Frogs, chickens? I hear up in Canada they even have cricket mystery peanuts! Think we should open it?

Snake: Go for it. I'd do it myself but I put my arms on backwards by mistake.

Toady: This is so much fun! It's like picking a showcase on The Price Is Right!

Snake: Actually it's absolutely nothing like that. At all. Open it up...


Ape #1: We didn't mean to startle or disrespect's just that we apes really like our crackers.

Ape #2: And really...who doesn't?!

Toady: Well this is our cracker. And it's the last one. You can't just hide inside a peanut, emerge, and expect us to hand it over.

Ape #2: Ape One, I told you this plan was flawed!

Ape #1: Wait wait - we'll do a trade! I know - what if we can do something that entertains you so much that you forget about the cracker altogether?

Snake: Fine, give it a shot. No dance numbers.

Ape #1: Look at this! I'm the only ape on the planet who can do Shakespeare. Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well. What do you think?

Toady: I've actually seen three apes do that in the past year - word for word, too.

Ape #2: Okay, my turn! I can sit through The Ewok Adventure without having to be under the influence of heavy narcotics. Not even Lucas himself can pull that off.

Snake: Damn, that is impressive. But not impressive enough for the last cracker. See ya later, you monkeys.


Snake: I don't know why we didn't think of this earlier. The natural and perfect grooves in crackers let us split them in half with pinpoint precision! Now we can both enjoy them!

Toady: Speak for yourself, you got the salty side. Mine tastes like bread.

Snake: You know, I'm kinda curious. What kind of animal am I? I mean, you're a frog, that's obvious. But I'm just like this reptilian mess. The only reason people call me 'Snake' is because nobody would agree to go with my chosen name, Koko.

Toady: I always pegged you as a sort of lizard/man hybrid.

Snake: That does nothing for me. Ask R2.

Toady: Okay, fine. R2, what's Snake's species?

R2: ....

Toady: R2, what's the matter? Are you mad because we didn't split the cracker three ways?


Much Later....

Snake: I've gotta admit, splitting the cracker in fourths seemed like a bad idea at the time, but sharing really makes me feel all warm inside. And I'm cold blooded!

Toady: I agree. It was wrong of us to want to keep the cracker to ourselves. It's just too good not to spread around.

Ape #1: And don't think we don't appreciate it - all I usually get to eat are the mites on his back.

Ape #2: And let me tell you - they ain't no crackers!

Snake: True that. Hey, have either of you ever seen Krull?

Ape #1: Yeah, we learned about those in biology class. Whales love them.

Toady: Freaking idiots! That's! -- eh, forget it. Let's all just enjoy our crackers. Happy Life Day.

There's a dual moral to our little tale here today. First and foremost, next time you eat a may want to spend a moment to look up to the cosmos, to the unknown creator of all that is, and just give a little thanks for a snack so low in cholesterol. Our second moral? Just because twelve people might've enjoyed a particular movie doesn't mean it makes for a great board game. Remember your lessons, and cherish the crackers.

- Matt
AIM: xecharchar
Voicemail: 1-877-767-8600 - ext. 878


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