Previous ArticleX-ENext Article

The Celebs of San Diego Con:
Elisabeth is a Babe, June Lockhart is a Bitch

Robert 7-27-01

One of the great things about the San Diego Comic Convention? Running in to all the great celebrities that are there to make special appearances, give autographs, and gently nuzzle you in the elevator when nobody's looking. There were a veritable TON of them there this year. First of all, let me tell you that I saw Traci Lords in an autograph line. I had grandiose plans to annoy her every day with stupid questions, ask her to marry me, or at least reenact a scene from Anal Intruders IV, but her autograph line was ridiculously long, she was wearing sunglasses, and barely looked up at anyone that cared to pay her $20 to scribble on a photo that didn't even show any cleavage. And there was no way in hell I was even going to try to fight all the Mallratdogmaclerkamaniacs to get a word in edgewise with Kevin Smith, so I stuck to meeting the more cool and accessible famous folk instead.

This is Frank Gorshin, who played The Riddler in the old Batman TV show and some blonde lady from a show I've never seen called Black Scorpion. She asked me to sign a petition to keep their show on the air on the third day of the convention, and I saw there was a whopping 150 signatures on the list. I laughed like crazy when she turned to Gorshin, before she was going to take off for a bit and said, "Remember to ask people to sign the petition, Frankie." Not impressed or even interested he replied crankily, "I don't have time for that kind of stuff, forget it!" This lady was so desperate for validation she said, "I'm pretty easy on the eyes aren't I?" Wow, how pathetic is it when you have to ask comic convention guys if you look pretty? Frank was cool, though, and let me talk to him and shake his hand without making me buy anything from him.

I guess Lou Ferrigno is there every year. He was sharing a booth with some old guy who was selling uncut sheets of Wacky Packages stickers. The old guy said, "An Incredible Deal and The Incredible Hulk...what more could you want?" Lou was pretty cool, until I asked him if I was super nice to him if he would turn into the corpse of Bill Bixby.

Hey, it's Warwick Davis who played Willow, Wicket The Ewok, and Leprechaun! The guy's actually been pretty busy ever since Return of The Jedi, with roles in The Phantom Menace and the upcoming Harry Potter movie too. Kenny "R2D2" Baker was at the convention as well. I suppose as long as George Lucas is making movies, there'll always be a place for little people to get film roles. I asked Warwick how the all dwarf remake of Caligula was coming along, and he spit on me. The guy posing with him in this picture was saying shortly before it was snapped, "OK, we can check off the 'getting a picture of someone shorter, skinnier, and better looking than us from our scavenger hunt list'."

Some fat old bald guy screwed up my picture of David Cross and Jay Johnston from Mr. Show. OK, I'll be honest it's really me. These guys were a lot of fun, and a did a great presentation earlier on their groundbreaking HBO sketch comedy series, and gave a preview of their hopefully soon to be released film Run Ronnie Run. The rest of the Mr. Show cast was there, too, but they were too busy giving each other head to sit still long enough to snap a picture. Brian Posehn, who also plays the goofy mailclerk on Just Shoot Me was wearing an anti-comic censorship tshirt that had an "Official Pussy Inspector" bumper sticker on front. They're struggling to get all of Mr. Show on DVD, but as Cross said, "HBO's too busy wasting money on that piece of shit show "Sex in the City", and cracked that the cost to put it out on DVD is less than The Sopranos daily catering budget. Cross is definitely one of the funniest guys out there. If you can catch his standup comedy special on HBO, you're in for a treat.

Surprisingly the biggest attraction celebritywise was Elisabeth Filarski from Survivor 2: Electric Boogaloo (that joke is always funny, well, funnier than leukemia at least). She was signing autographs between 2pm and 4pm but you had to show up 4 hours before and get a bracelet just so you could stand in line. She was there to promote some stupid Survivor card game (ala Magic the Slathering) that nobody was really interested in. Hell, just check out those abs in that promo pic over her shoulder and you'll see why she's so popular. Some freak a few spaces in front of me started professing his love to her, "I love you. I REALLY LOVE YOU, ELISABETH! I WANT TO BE WITH YOU CAUSE I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!", and her security folk whisked him away. She was pretty charming, though, and took the extra time to write my name on a beat up piece of paper, as if she was voting me off the island. How cool is that? (not at all, i know). Debb, the first castaway voted off the island was there to sign autographs, too, but nobody was in line to talk to her, so she used her free time to give her stepson a handjob under the table. 

Hey, Look! It's Erin Gray from Buck Rogers and Silver Spoons. I said I really was a big fan of Silver Spoons and used to pray that Ricky Schroeder would die and I could take his place. I then asked if she could nurse me as if I was her giant whiskered baby and she ended up writing "FUCK YOU" across Gil Gerard's face on my Buck Rogers photo. This really pissed me off and I shouted, "I'd love to see some new movies you're in, but unfortunately I don't get LIFETIME NETWORK!" She then slapped me in the face. I slapped her back. And we stood there, looking at each other, like nervous gods, trembling for fear of loving each other for the first time. Her mouth was sweet as we kissed deep and strong. She began to mount me on the autograph table and then I accidentally called her Erin Brockovich. She began choking me violently until Warwick Davis hopped up on the table and broke it up. Fuck her, I always like Princess Ardala better, anyway.

Look! It's Ken Foree from Dawn of The Dead! Awesome guy who was quick to stand up and pose for a picture.   He still looks like he could kick some serious zombie ass.

Here we have Johnny Whittaker and, I think, his sister. Johnny was Jody on Family Affair (the kid that didn't commit suicide), the kid on Sigmund and The Sea Monsters, and was in a 1972 film called Snowball Express. I asked him if he ever got a snowball before, and he just stared at me blankly. He is a Hollywood agent now, and had apparently just signed Dana Plato to a deal 2 days before she overdosed on drugs. When I asked if he'd still represent Dana if she was a reanimated zombie, Ken Foree in the next booth overheard me say "Zombie" and snapped, shooting both Johnny and his sister in the head.

Then we move to June Lockhart. Let me tell you that this mother of Lassie and Lost In Space was one of the biggest bitches I've ever met. I asked nicely if I could take her picture, and she just went off on me, saying I had to buy and autograph first. I couldn't believe it. I was tempted to just snap a bunch of her getting angrier and angrier, but was afraid she might pick the bandaid that was covering the big sore on her nose and throw it at me, so I took it from further away to avoid her wrath. Though shortly afterward (and I'm not making this up, I promise) some dude actually brought a videotape of Troll for her to sign. She said told him it'd cost him $20, and he said, "$20 to sign my copy of Troll?" She then just stared at it for a while, and started babbling about how nice it was to film the movie in Italy and signed it for free.

This is Elijah Wood, who's playing Frodo in the new Lord of The Rings movie, who was just wandering around like a regular dude. Every other guy who shook his hand said, "Hey you still have 5 fingers on this hand, HYUCK HYUCK!", and he'd just look at them like they were the biggest fucking idiots in the world. OK, I admit it, only I said that. Elijah's great in the film Black & White. Check it out if you can.

Here we have Uncle Owen from Star Wars. Poor guy was wheelchair bound, and was even sucking on oxygen once in a while. He's certainly looking more like Obi Wan Kenobi these days. I asked him if Aunt Beru could lactate blue milk, and he said, "She was never pregnant you FUCKING DUMBASS don't you know your Star Wars info, JACKASS!" was about time someone put me in my place.

It's Ken Foree again! That dude will do anything for an autograph.

But the best celebrity of all that I met was Wil Wheaton, star of Star Trek The Next Generation, Stand By Me, and a great Troma film called Fag Hag. I was wearing my X-E shirt (which many other X-E fans took the time to notice and find me with, thanks!), and right away started going on about how much he loved the site. Turns out he's a big fan of classic gaming, and likes all the crazy shit that we do. We'll have a nice interview with Senor Wheaton up soon, so if you have any questions you'd like me to ask him, send them my way.

All in all, it was a helluva lot of fun. You have to give much respect to these folks for putting up with assholes like me all day, that's for sure. 

Can't wait til next year. Maybe we'll get a table and make Matt give autographs next time.

- Robert
AIM: liquorhead

Back to X-Entertainment!


Love Lessons Learned From Honey, I Shrunk The Kids

Overcoming Adversity: A Lesson From Grandpa Fred

Suicidal Tendencies: A Lesson From Martha Dumptruck