Vanity plates for cars have long been the bane of my existence. It's not the idea that someone will shell out a little extra cash for a 'cute' saying on their license plate, it's the fact that, to date, of the hundreds upon hundreds of vanity plates I've seen, they've all been completely, totally, and universally stupid. It's uncanny. Either every person who gets these things does so on a whim without thinking, or the people running the Professional Vanity Plate Department get a kick out of telling them that all the workable ones are taken, just to bask in their own sinister personal enjoyment when their unsuspecting customer has to settle for something like 'Dog Luv4r.'
Plus, they just look dumb. Have you ever seen a vanity plate when driving on the road and thought to yourself...'wow, that's damn cool!'? I mean, even if it's not worded with the 'damn cool' part...have you ever really enjoyed what you've read on a vanity plate? Nope. They're wrong - they're stupid - they look ridiculous. And this is coming from a guy with Pac-Man surgically graphed on his arm.
So, with that, I present my latest fall and folly. Just another reason to down 48 sleeping pills and watch marathons of Seventh Heaven so I can pinpoint the exact episode where Lucy's face finally morphed from a vertical to horizontal oval in shape. Here is my tale. My sad story. My life is an open book, for your amusement. If you're not amused, it's an open book for your immense displeasure. Either way, I had a really bad day:
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Matt: Any good mail for me?
Muse: Heh...looks like you owe Blockbuster another fifty bucks. Tell me something - why do you even bother renting videos if you're not gonna bring them back? Why don't you just buy them?
Matt: I look at it like I'm helping out the economy in this weird roundabout Robin Hoodish way. I help aggregate the curves by paying too much for rented movies.
Muse: Okay, but seriously, this is ridiculous....
Muse: According to what I'm reading here, a collection agency is on your ass for fifty dollars because you never brought back Howard The Duck! Jesus! Who would even rent that to begin with? You spent fifty dollars on the worst movie ever made.
Matt: Wrong, I only paid five bucks for No Holds Barred. And take off that coat, it's 100 degrees in here.
Muse: I can't. I'm...too shy.
Matt: What's that now?
Muse: Looks like the Motor Vehicle department finally sent you your new plates. Get 'em on quick, don't want to get a ticket now.
Matt: I have this theory: I'll never get a traffic ticket.
Muse: On what basis is this theory formed?
Matt: Ad lib. Hey, what's my car's new alphanumerics?
Muse: Let's see....hmmm...ah ha. Mmm hmm. ::giggles:: Very interesting.
Matt: What, what??
AGE. SEX. LOCATION.
Muse: Hahahahah! Everyone's gonna think you got this on purpose! Mr. Internet with his ASL vanity plate! Bwahahahah!
Matt: Oh fucking God no...
Muse: Hey Matt - 64/M/Pluto. Get used to it, you're gonna be hearing this all the time!
Matt: Oh GOD no. Get me the phone, I'm calling the motor vehicles place thing.
Matt: Hi, Motor Vehicles? This is Matt. I can't remember my last name, but I think it includes a silent 'h.' Listen, just got the new plates for my car. There seems to be a little problem though. See, the first three letters spell out some weird Internet term, and, well, you've gotta realize that people have enough just cause to make fun of me without adding this to the pot. Is there any way we can get some new plates for the car, with a different ID? I really can't be driving around with these. And I need to drive, because I don't like walking. Honestly, I'm not trying to make your day any more hectic than it already is, and I know this seems like a pseudoissue, but I'd really appreciate the help. I haven't been this upset since Michael Jackson's hair went on fire back in '85. Please help me. Please?
Trudy: I'm really sorry to hear about your plight, and I'd love to help. Unfortunately, you've dialed the wrong number. This is Trudy, owner and operator of Aunt Trudy's House of Crowns. Say - new license plate got ya down? Buy a crown! They'll treat you like royalty!
Matt: No thanks.
Trudy: We accept major credit cards for phone orders.
Matt: Put me down for three dozen.
Muse: So...this is the ol' gaz guzzler, huh? Looks real hot. Snort.
Matt: Yeah, she's my baby. A 1992 Ford Tempo.
Muse: '92 Tempo, huh? You must be fighting the ladies off with a stick. That's quite a car.
Matt: I know! V6 engine - that means it runs on carrots and beets. I want to upgrade it so I can add parsley and watercress.
Muse: That's not what it means, you idiot. And this is a disgusting, putrid, absolute embarrassment of an automobile. I'm ashamed to be standing next to this thing in public. And that's coming from a guy wearing a rubber mask and an angora trenchcoat in the middle of August. Just get the new plates on and let's get out of here.
Muse: Wait a second - what are you doing?
Matt: Putting on the new plates, what does it look like I'm doing?
Muse: That's grout sealer! You can't use that to put on the new plates, get a friggin screwdriver!
Matt: Screwdrive...screw driver? Ut.
Muse: You have to unscrew the old plate and then screw on the new ones!
Matt: Listen, I don't know what you're talking about, but this stuff'll work fine. It's got glue-like consistency.
Muse: Ugh. Fine, just hurry up. I'm going inside now. Bring me back an eclair.
On The Road...
Driver: Hey you! Buddy!
Matt: Me? Can I help you? Please?
Driver: 24/F/Newark! Hahah, what a dickhead!
Matt: Wait, wait, it's not what you think!
Driver: Hey, I've got another acronym for ya. YFB.
Matt: What is that, Young Fire Bugs?
Driver: You Fucking Blow!
Matt: I hate this new license plate...what am I going to do?
Muse: Face lift, hmmm...maybe a dye job. A manicure wouldn't be a bad idea either.
Matt: I mean about the car!
Muse: Oh yeah - well, you're just gonna have to stick it out. Don't let this one bad experience make you think all future driving sessions will be full of woe. Just go out there - go out there and drive! I bet nobody will even notice your new plates!
Matt: You know something...you're right. I'm going to go out there, I'm going to get in my car, I'm going to blow air on the window so I can draw things on it with my finger...and I'm gonna drive! Look out world!
Muse: That's the spirit! And bring me back those eclairs!
Driver: Yo bro - hold up, I need directions!
Driver: Hey, how's it going? I'm looking for the biggest moron on the face of the - well whaddya know?! Found you! Nice license plate, Faggus Maximus.
Matt: It's a coincidence, I didn't get these plates on purpose!
Driver: Right. Hey, at your next D&D party, tell Worf I said 'LOL'!
Matt: Everybody on the road is treating me like a joke.
Driver: There's a simple solution to that - tint your windows darker.
Matt: They're doing it because of the plates, jackass.
Muse: Right. Keep telling yourself that. By the way, how'd the cataracts surgery go?
Muse: Take off the sunglasses, you twit. Anyway, don't feel so bad, I've got something here to cheer you up...
Muse: Remember that cybersex criminal who made the rounds last Tuesday? You were right, he struck again this week - I owe you a beer!
Matt: I guess that's cool. But I can't buy new plates for ten dollars. Unless we're talking dinnerware, from like the Closeout Store or something like that.
Muse: But we're not talking about that, now are we?
Matt: Guess not. ::sighs::
Muse: Listen...don't worry. Gimme a little while, I'll come up with a solution.
Muse: Well, I've mulled it over, and I think I have the solution.
Matt: For real? You know how to solve my license plate problem?
Muse: I do. To find the answer, I had to seek deep within my soul - deep within the roots of this planet that has given us life.
Matt: Sounds epic!
Muse: Truly. The answer to your problem - and very possibly to all life's problems - is this:
Matt: I really do want to die, you know.
Muse: Well you won't find any luck choking here - these are seedless!
Matt: I hate my life.
Muse: So end it. Just do me a favor, stick some other sucker with that Tempo in your will. I've got enough problems looking cool without adding that to the mix.
Matt: 22/M/NY. I guess I should just put a sign on my car with that now.
Muse: Yeah. For a similar effect, walk around in a grass skirt holding coconuts.
Matt: Fuck you.