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My name is Tiger, and I'm an alcoholic. Guinness Draught Beer's Secret:
It's All About The Floatation Device.

Matt - 2.02.02





Jawa Joe: Tiger, I've gotta give you credit. This shit is a lot better than drinking our own urine.

Tiger: Hey, the urine-drinking was great for that whole 'we're rebels!' effect, but let's face it, at the end of the day, we went to bed knowing full well that we just drank piss. Guinness is tons better, and we won't have to brush using bleach anymore.

Tusken Tony: I'm also impressed that you were able to find cans of this stuff roughly the same height as us! This is better than a twelve-grade kegger!

Tiger: There's a lot to be said for buying in bulk at wholesale outlets. This just proves it.


Jawa Joe: I think we should all explain our favorite things about Guinness beer. I'm trying not to overlook the whole 'pasteurized stout' aspect, but frankly, what's flooring me the most here is the sleek black can. I feel like I should be in a limousine - or at least not in a back alley.

Tiger: Personally, what does it for me is the fact that it's 14.9 ounces - just enough to drink it the whole way through without it getting all warm and yucky. ROAR! That's the biggest problem I have with regular sized 40 ounce beers - by the time we get midway through, we'd be better off sticking with the piss drinking.

Jawa Joe: How bout you, Tony?


Tusken Tony: I love the noise it makes when I shake it! This isn't just a can of beer - it's half a set of maracas!

Jawa Joe: Hmm...look again, Tony. "Now, thanks to the special Guinness 'Floatation Draught System' inside this can, you can enjoy the taste of a real Guinness draught as if it were drawn straight from the tap!" Looks like this is one techno can of beer, buds!

Tiger: I wonder if they built a special robot to live inside each can. Maybe these little Guinnessbots have spout-heads and run around in circles making sure what you pour out is truly tap-like?

Jawa Joe: My theory is that there's a series of aluminum pipes running throughout the innards of the can. It explains why it pours slowly and steadily.

Tusken Tony: I think you're both just drunk. These are obviously multipurpose maracas.


Jawa Joe: The suspense is killing me - let's cut the thing open and see what all the fuss is about.

Tusken Tony: Can't I at least finish it first?

Jawa Joe: Dude, it takes way too long for you to take sips when you keep putting on and taking off that weird breathing apparatus. There's no sandstorms here, and we're not in the middle of chemical warfare. Take the mask off and drink like a human being.

Tusken Tony: This from a guy who covers his face in black cloth and a modified Lite Brite? Touche.

Tiger: If you two don't shut up and cut open that can, I'm gonna revert to type and eat you both real quick.


Tiger: Besides, we could just leave well enough alone, pretend they're fezzes, and wander around town telling everyone that we're Egyptian shriners in need of companionship.

Jawa Joe: Christ, how many beers have you had?

Tiger: Forty-six.

Tusken Tony: FORTY SIX?! YOU HAD FORTY SIX CANS OF ALCOHOL! MY GOD!


Tusken Tony: FORTY SIX?!! NEGGWA WOO DOOGLAHHH! NO!


Tusken Tony: You two stay right there! And Joe - don't let him fall asleep! I'll be right back!

Jawa Joe: Tony - wait a sec, I don't think you--

Tusken Tony: By the good lord of gaffi sticks SHUT UP AND STAY CALM - I'll be back in a flash.


Tusken Tony: Hey, I need your opinion. What would happen if a tiger, approximately 3 pounds, drank 42 cans of Guinness, at a rounded-off total of 630 ounces?

Vinny Vader: He'd explode into a shower of confetti. Bring him to a pep rally.

Tusken Tony: Stop kidding around, this is serious business. My friend's life is at stake.

Vinny Vader: Fine. Christ I cut one joke in thirty years and I get shit for it. Next time I'll just make you choke to death. Speaking of death - 42 cans of beer to a 3 pound tiger will likely result in the same thing. I'd recommend getting him to an emergency room before his brain swells out his ears.


Tusken Tony: ...then he told me that if we don't get Tiger to a hospital, the alcohol poisoning will manifest itself into two sentient beings - one good, one evil, both living in his pelvic area. Let's get him out of here!

Jawa Joe: He was kidding about the 42 beers, you dolt.

Tiger: Jesus Tony, we only bought a six-pack, you were there!

Jawa Joe: I can't believe you thought Tiger actually drank that much. Actually, I can believe it - you also believed us when we told you Tostitos came from the moon. Now can you just drop it and help us cut open the can?

Tiger: Use the oversized scissors.


Tusken Tony: I wish you guys wouldn't play so many tricks on me.

Jawa Joe: Every great trio needs a fall guy, Tony. We're honored to have you.

Tusken Tony: Don't you ever think about what all these shenanigans do to my self-esteem, though? I'm not some colossal joke. I'm a sperson. A sand person.

Jawa Joe: I'll make a deal with you. Cut open that can within the next friggin' century, and I'll never call you an almost-toad again.

Tusken Tony: Fine, just gimme a sec. I'm left-handed. These scissors are a scourge for me.


Jawa Joe: You know, I wouldn't think any less of you if you decided to eat Tony one night.

Tiger: Please. The last time I ate a Tusken Raider, I had to floss with piano wire. Those guys are filthy.

Jawa Joe: I know, I was just saying. Besides, I guess it's good to have someone so low and stupid around to make us feel better.

Tiger: Right. Sometimes it's good to have two people like that.

Jawa Joe: Exactly. Hey what do you mean by that?!

Tiger: Nothing. Take a look, Tony got the can open.


Tusken Tony: It's a ball!

Jawa Joe: A...ball? That's it? That's the big secret floatation device? A stupid ball?!

Tusken Tony: It's like a ping pong ball, only wetter.

Jawa Joe: Whatta sham!


Jawa Joe: This is the biggest letdown. I haven't felt this disillusioned since the big payoff for watching A Very Brady Christmas was seeing Mike get trapped in a cave. This sucks. Stupid Guinness. Stupid life.


Tiger: Joe, I know you're disappointed, but life goes on. Let's just use the ball to break some windows. Actually, let's crack open the rest of the cans for some extra ammunition.

Jawa Joe: ::sniff:: Can we write cryptic voodoo messages on them before launching, just to make the people's houses we hit even more afraid?

Tiger: Anything you want. I just want you to have a good time.


Jawa Joe: I still can't get over it. I thought Guinness was supposed to be one of the good beers, you know?

Tiger: It still is, Joe. It doesn't hurt when you piss out Guinness. Try Olde English sometime. Just because they stuck a ping pong ball in there doesn't make it a bad beer. We just got our hopes up a little bit, that's all.

Tusken Tony: Hey guys, I think you better have a look at this. There's no ball in this one.

Jawa Joe: Great. First they spoil what could've been a great surprise, and now they're not even consistent enough to put the dumb floatation device in every can? Lousy jerks. Looks like we cut open that can for nothing.

Tusken Tony: Not exactly...there's something in here. It's just not a ball.


Tusken Tony: It's a half-mutilated corpse!

Tiger: Wow - that's even better than a ping pong ball!

Jawa Joe: Wait a second...maybe there's something different in each can? Quick, let's open the rest of them. This is so much like Christmas!


Tusken Tony: Check it out - I got a toothbrush!

Jawa Joe: Yeah. Like you'll ever use it. Maybe it could be a surrogate back-scratcher or something.

Tiger: What's in yours, Joe?


Jawa Joe: A Pokemon keychain! I'll never lose my keys again!

Tiger: Neat. Who's that, Pikachu?

Jawa Joe: God no. This is Geodude - he's made entirely of solid rock. First he evolves into Graveler, then into Golem. Golem is 6,000 pounds! Cool right?

Tiger: Yeah, that's heavy stuff. Mmm.

Jawa: So Tiger, what'd you find in your can?


Tiger: Religion! Yummmm.


Jawa Joe: Looks like Guinness ain't so bad after all. Great beer, fun presents, what more could you ask for?

Tiger: See, just goes to show ya. Things always turn out okay in the end.

Tusken Tony: You know, I'm not sure if this is really a toothbrush. I think it's some type of avant home decor. Like a statue or something. I'll shut up now.

Tiger: Say, we got any more beer?

Jawa Joe: Nope. And we're flat broke. But after all this, drinking piss again doesn't even seem all that bad. Thanks for keeping the faith, guys.

Tiger: Anytime.

Tusken Tony: Maybe it is a toothbrush afterall. It's got the bristles, and the handle says 'Crest.'

Jawa Joe: Tiger, PLEASE?

Tiger: I know. Big dinner for me tomorrow.




- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com
AIM: xecharchar

Know someone who'd enjoy X-E? Refer us! There's nothing more personally gratifying for me in doing this than getting letters from people who've just discovered the site. Of course, if that's too much to ask, you can just buy me something very expensive from Amazon. It's your choice. Now, some links to sites that've been real cool to X-E and that are worth your time. I-Mockery - Whatever-Dude - BigMeats

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