The year was 1986. The show, was ALF. We all remember it. Some better than others, others better than some. The premise was simple, cue one normal, healthy, fully functional family from the late 1980’s. Now insert one Alien puppet from the planet of Melmac. Wait for hijinks to unfold. The show, which aired on NBC for only three and a half years, managed to touch millions. But where has Alf been since then?

This was a question that has haunted many for over ten years now. Sure, we all saw the final episodes of ALF, as the beloved alien superstar made his way from earth to settle another planet with friends Skip and Rhoda. And who could forget 1996’s failed made for TV movie "Project:ALF" which served to wrap up the ALF conspiracies once and for all. Yet still, one might wonder where ALF has been since then. Some say he may have made his way back to Melmac, reunited with his family, and is still living there today. But we here at X-E know otherwise.

After almost a week of searching (thus explaining my post drought quite conveniently) I managed to locate a man who could bring me in touch with ALF. The following is a transcript from a meeting with ALF at an undisclosed restaurant on April 13th, 2000.

12:17 am Alf shows up 17 minuets "fashionably" late. We introduce ourselves. I order a plate of fries and a sprite. Alf orders a 15 inch sub with a side order of coleslaw, a bag of M&M’s and a coca-cola.

Alf: Make that "to go" please…

Brant: So Alf, the question on everyone’s mind has got to be…

Alf: WAIT! Let me guess… "Where’s the beef?" Ha! I kill me!

Brant: Well, no.. that question was answered back in 1992…

Alf: I’ll be a monkey’s uncle…

Brant: What’s on everyone’s mind, is WHERE has Alf been all these years?

Alf: Well, that’s an interesting question, Bret.

Brant: Brant..

Alf: What?

Brant: Nevermind…

Alf: Well, as I was saying. That’s a very good question. But before I answer it, let me ask you a few questions.

Brant: I don’t know.

Alf: Hey, I understand. If you’re not in the mood I can just go about my way…

Alf begins to make a motion as if he’s about to leave the table.

Brant: All right, all right! Ask away.

The story was too big for me to just let it slip by in a instance. I would play Alf’s game. For now.

Alf: Okay. First question. Who’s hotter.. Brooke Shields or the lead singer from 10,000 maniacs?

Brant: 10,000 wha?

Alf: I take it you’re not a fan. Is that a vote for Brooke Shields then?

Brant: Well, not really… Have you seen her ass lately? It looks like she’s carrying around a pair of midgets back there…

Alf: My god. All right then, next question. Who is your favorite New Kid?

Brant: I don’t really remember… aren’t they all in jail now?

Alf: The beloved New Kids in Jail? What has this world come to? I predicted them to be the next Beatles back in 1989! What about Milli Vanilli? Are they still around?

Brant: Well, one shot himself and the other has got a coke habit.

Alf: Ouch. Okay, last question. Which is better.. regular coke or the NEW coke.

Brant: The new coke wasn’t even on shelves for more than six months, Alf!

Alf: Darn. This is going nowhere. Why don’t you ask a few questions?

Brant: Okay, Alf. The question on everybody’s mind is: where has Alf been all these years?

Alf: Wait! How about I ask you some more questions?

Brant: We already did that. Is there something you’re trying to hide, Alf?

Alf: Uhh.. no?

Brant: You haven’t been sucking dick for coke have you?

Alf: OF COURSE NOT! Who do I look like? Greedo?

Brant: Well then what is it?

Alf: It’s…. no, I can’t! It’s too embarrassing!

Brant: Come on, Alf. You have to meet these demons face to face.

Alf: *sigh* I suppose you’re right. I have an addiction…

Brant: What is it? Cocain? Heroin? Speed? What kind of rock are you hooked on, man?

Alf: Steve Miller Band merchandise…

Brant: My god.

Alf: It’s true! Oh it’s all true! I once sucked dick for a rare 1977 Live Chicago bootleg tape!

At this point, all I could do is shake my head in disgust. I couldn’t let Al back on the street, only to run across him selling vital organs for more uncut bootleg tapes. I had to get him help.

That night I took Alf home and allowed him to stay with me. My family agreed to let him stay but only until we could find him a decent Steve Miller rehabilitation clinic to check in to. For the next few days, Alf and I would get into an overwhelming amount of mischief. Some highlights include the two of us treasure-hunting in the back yard, Alf sneaking into my car and following me to work, and Alf going through or kitchen , much to the dismay of my frustrated parents.

Listen to Alf’s patented catch-phrase.

Listen to Alf’s humorous comments at the dinner table.

ALF airs Monday through Friday at 5:30 PM Est. on the Odyssey cable network.