||The Quest For Giant Bulbasaur:
Trading Toys With C-3P0.
Matt: Oh, Bulbasaur. The times we've shared. The places we've been. The cakes we've baked. Oh how I wish you'd start growing...I know you've got it in you. Bulbasaur, please....please tell me how to make you grow.
Matt: I appreciate the effort but that just doesn't help me at all. There must be a way to make you get bigger. I'd try one of those protein shake mixes but the guys pictured on the bottle label scare the crap out of me, y'know?
Matt: Exactly. I mean who needs muscles like that? And what's with all the baby oil? Just because you're strong...you've gotta be shiny too? Why can't people just be satisfied with one new applicable adjective with which to describe themselves? They can't just be 'strong guy,' oh no. They've gotta be 'strong and SHINY guy.'
Bulbasaur: Saur, saur!!
Matt: Quit it you toad, I'm not reading Rapunzel again. You know my feelings on exaggerated hair lengths. That story is stupid.
Bulbasaur: No -- SAUR saur!
Matt: Oh! Sorry, misread ya there. Yeah, I wish you could get bigger too. Shit, remember my friend C-3P0? He bought this lazer that makes things larger, and I'd ask him to borrow it, but he's mad at me because I cheated in a poker game a few months back. Stole about 75 bucks from him, so I guess we'll have to find another way.
Matt: I don't think a strict diet of nothing but Cadbury Eggs will help, but nice try.
Matt: We've just got to get 3P0 to let us use the magic lazer. It's the only way you'll ever be able to ride the big coasters at Six Flags with me.
Matt: Stop acting like Gumby's dog and say something new. I swear I've had better conversations with rabbits. And that's no euphemism.
Matt: Hey wait - I've got an idea! What if I cooked up a little disguise to fool 3P0? If he doesn't know it's me, then he'll have no problems at all letting me use the magic lazer on you. This is gonna be great! Now let me just find the perfect costume...
Matt: Bulba, get me the world's largest cubic zirconium. I'm Liberace reborn!
Bulbasaur: Saur, saur saur.
Matt: Nah, I don't think I look like Prince. I couldn't find any eyeshadow. All right, I'll be back in a little while. 3P0 loves holding toy trading meetings, I'll try to hook up with him for one of those - it'll be a good way to segue into the magic lazer. Pretty soon, you'll be a bigger Bulba. I promise!
C-3P0: So, I hear you've got some toys you're interested in trading. Why don't you start by telling me your name?
Matt: It's...uh...my name is...
C-3P0: What, you don't remember your name?
Matt: STEVE SANDERS, my name is Steve Sanders.
C-3P0: The ugly one from 90210?
Matt: No a different one. Listen can we get started? I'm in a bit of a rush here.
C-3P0: Okay, but let me set up the ground rules first. All trades are final - I don't care if you think I was too shrewd, too forceful, whatever - once you trade a toy to me, there's no going back. I don't care what excuses or sap stories you come up with, this is a business and I take it very seriously.
Steve Sanders: Look I get it, rules are rules. As long as they'll be some complimentary sandwiches we'll get along great.
C-3P0: I don't do sandwiches, Steve.
Steve Sanders: Okay, deal.
C-3P0: Looks like you've got some nice stuff. But my stuff is nicer, and don't think I don't know it.
Steve Sanders: Donna Martin Graduates.
C-3P0: Okay, let's hear your first offer. I'm all ears.
Steve Sanders: First, I must inform you that all potential trades must first be cleared with my agent, Miss Chow.
Steve Sanders: Hi Robot Man, this is Miss Chow. Do not disrespect the sanctify of our tradefulness. We harbor much unrest to those with swap spite. I must allow for little tolerance of neglect. HIYAH!
C-3P0: Steve, I'll trade you a carded 1989 Toybiz Batman figure for that stupid statue.
Steve Sanders: Square jaw?
C-3P0: No, sorry.
Steve Sanders: Well then you can forget it. I like my Michael Keaton chiseled.
Steve Sanders: Okay, I've got a Thundercats Tuska mini-figure, still packaged. Interested?
C-3P0: Of course. Tuska's awesome, he's got big teeth! Tell you what, I'll trade you a TMNT Shredder and a Rat King figure for 'im.
Steve Sanders: Hmmm...I'm not sure about that one.
C-3P0: Wait, wait, take a look at what you can do with them first!
C-3P0: 'Rat King, this is Shredder. Will you be my friend? We can buy ice cream together.' 'Oh, Shredder, I'd love that. My favorite flavor is pistachio, what's yours?'
Steve Sanders: Okay, you've got yourself a trade!
C-3P0: Terrific. Here's your figures. Shredder's left arm tends to fall off, but just pretend that's 'battle damage.'
Miss Chow: Do not misrepresent your ideals. You did arrive with purposes far away from toy dolls. You must face your situation with sincerity. Do not forget your intent.
Matt: Don't worry, I'm just trying to gain his trust first. I didn't forget about the magic lazer. In fact, I'll ask about it right now!
Miss Chow: Be your heart made from gold, while mine resides in plaster.
C-3P0: Yes, I've got the magic lazer, it's right here. Yes, it really works. No, it's not a scam. Not a parlor trick. Care to see it in action? It'll only cost you a few Star Wars figures. Mostly cantina aliens. Can you handle that? Can ya, punk?
C-3P0: When I zap Pikachu, he'll grow to massive proportions!
Steve Sanders: Wow, I just don't believe that little gadget actually works. After all, you're the same guy who claimed to own the moon.
C-3P0: I do own the moon, I just lost the deed. Doesn't mean I don't own it. I just lost the deed, kid.
Steve Sanders: Whatever, just zap the stupid doll. I want Pikachu to get bigger so he'll be an easier target.
Steve Sanders: YOU DID IT, you really did it!
C-3P0: Ha, was there ever any doubt? When a Droid makes a promise, he delivers.
Steve Sanders: This calls for a celebration! Come with me...
Steve Sanders: Sorry, but all I've got to toast you with is some rancid bloody mary mix left over from Christmas. I hope you're not too disappointed.
C-3P0: I don't have a real throat or stomach so it doesn't really matter much. Oil would've been more preferred, though.
Steve Sanders: Maybe next time. For now, drink up! You're a God among men and robots.
C-3P0: Here, here!
C-3P0: I usually don't do personal favors, but that bloody mary mix really hit the spot. So all you want me to do is make that dumb Bulbasaur doll bigger?
Steve Sanders: IT'S NOT A DOLL IT'S A REAL PERSON!
C-3P0: Right. How silly of me. Okay, hold on to your hats, this is gonna be a doozy!
Steve Sanders: Ooooh, zap him! I can't wait!
Matt: Oh no, my wig fell off!
C-3P0: YOU?!! Get out of here, now! YOU POKER-CHEATING MUCKRACKIN' FUDGEFLACKIN' TRACKMACKIN' GOATHOPPIN' SKULLMUGGER!
Matt: You kiss your rotor with that mouth? Fine, I'm leaving. Christ, you really gotta start learning to forgive, 3P0. I said I was sorry about the poker game.
C-3P0: This isn't about the poker game, you dolt. I hear you put... ::gasp:: POP-UP ADS on your website!
Matt: UGO MADE ME DO IT I SWEAR IT WAS UGO!
C-3P0: Take your stupid toys and hit the road, sellout. From now on I'm only trading with virtuous webmasters, like Harry Knowles and that Spanish guy that sells salvia divinorum. OUT!
C-3P0: What a mopstabber!
Matt: Yeah, it sucks. I'm sorry things didn't turn out quite the way I planned. I should've listened to you and superglued the wig on. I apologize.
Matt: Thanks, you're a good friend. Unfortunately, I guess I'm just not very good at pretending to be a toy trading pop singer with curly hair. It just sounded so easy, you know?
Matt: Luckily, I'm still a great pickpocket.
Bulbasaur: BULBA! :) :)
Matt: Awww, Bulba. You learned how to speak emoticons. And you look terrific all new and...large. It's nice to finally be able to see what color your eyes are. RED! This is great. Hey, do you think you'll grow even bigger if I keep zapping you?
Matt: You're right, we don't have a very big apartment. Oh well, you're big enough for me. I love you.
Bulbasaur: Saur, saur saur saur, saur saur?
Matt: Oh, alright. But just this once!
Matt: I PLAYED THIS STINKIN' CITY...LIKE A HARP FROM HELL! EH HEH HEH HEH HEH...
Bulbasaur: Bulba Bulba Bulbasaur!
Matt: Thanks. I know you always enjoy it when I dress up like Beetlejuice and say the Penguin's lines from Batman Returns. You're so easily amused.
C-3P0 last appeared in another Pokemon tale, The Quest For RC Ivysaur!
Click here to check my review and interviews for the new Sandra Bullock flick, Murder By Numbers.