The 80s were a particularly strange period for movies. I saw a lot of them at the theater at that time, and some of them have stuck with me 'til this day, no matter how hard I try to forget about them.

METALSTORM: THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED SYN IN 3D (1983)
When the commercials played for this it looked like a fantastic array of 3D effects the likes of which hadn't been seen since "Creature from the Black Lagoon". A metal-faced villain (played by x-entertainment staple, Richard Moll) shot a spiked ball at you, cars came flying out of the screen, and guns were blazing! WOW! THIS WAS GONNA ROCK! Unfortunatley, the commercial had every 3D effect in it, so what we were left with was a grade Z "Road Warrior" rip off that had no distinguishable plot and some car chases that seemed to have been lifted from "Grease 2". John Travolta's wife, Kelly Preston played the lead female character in this film, which explains why she probably was traumatized and went running into the loving arms of Scientology.

MEGAFORCE (1982)
For some reason I remember the Atari 2600 game more than the movie, but rest assured, this thing sucked more than (insert lame dated White House intern joke here). Sure, I bet it sounded good on paper. Let's get Barry Bostwick as the lead action star (people loved him in the TV Miniseries "Scruples"), and that bald chick from the first Star Trek movie and have them ride around on motorcycles. Why are all these movies that take place in the future filled with big empty deserts and people riding beat up cars, anyway? Jeez, if that's the future, kill me now.

BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL (1984)
Now this gem never came out in the theaters, but it's a gem of a video that you should hunt down and enjoy as one of the best "bad" films of all time. Here's the plot, a goofy black lady who looks like she's Shirley Hemphill's retarded sister (whatever happened to Geri Jewell, anyway?), goes to a thrift store and feels compelled to buy a ventriloquist dummy that looks like Lester (of Willie Tyler fame) with dreadlocks. She takes him home, and while she showers, the doll comes to life and peeks at her and somehow gets into her mind, causing her to masturbate, and think about the doll.

The two then have wild sex and he ends up doing weird things to her like blowing green fog in her mouth while calling her a "bitch". She then throws the doll away, can't find any other man to please her liek the devil doll can, and then dies a miserable death. The movie ends with someone else buying the doll. CREEPY SHIT, MAN! CLICK HERE to see an unbelievable clip from this classic film.

HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN (1987)
Roddy Piper, Mutant Frogs...nuff said. Another apocalyptic future full of desert and beat up automotive craft, but this time there's mutant frogs. This movie has a certain charm to it that's worth checking out, but don't try too hard to watch it. Surprisingly there were actually 2 (yes 2) sequels to this debacle, but since they couldn't score the return of wrestling legend Roddy Piper for them (too busy in a deep depression over his appearance in Cyndi Lauper's Goonies music video) they just fell short of the original legend.

CHAINED HEAT (1983)
This one has it all. Women in prison. Linda Blair naked in a shower getting fondled by a naked Sybill Danning in the shower. An evil prison warden who films pornos of his prisoners in his office hot tub (yes! He actually has a fully functional spa in there), and high rolling drug dealers that can borrow the ladies to screw at their parties. Wow! Boy, Linda Blair couldn't get a break after "Exorcist 2: The Heretic" fell on it's face, and her follow ups "Roller Boogie" and "Night Patrol" failed to impress anyone but the palsy-stricken. The excessive rape scenes make it a bit hard to watch, but then again, so does "Deliverance" and that's a classic.

-liquorhead