Let Jesus Fuck You. The McDonald's Cartoon:
The Wacky Adventures of Ronald!

Matt - 7.03.02 /// Previous ArticleX-ENext Article

Believe it or not, they made a cartoon about those SICK FREAKS from the McDonald's commercials. Birdie, Grimace, even the McNuggets - they're all here in animated form, shilling burgers and going around on these little trips that masquerade as 'adventures', but look more like a bunch of nuthouse retards pretending they're a pop rock band. Okay, it's not so bad for five-year-olds. But what about those of us who have to sit through this crap with the five-year-olds? Where's our comeuppance?

I don't have any kids, in part because I don't want to share my toys but mostly because it'd probably mean I'd have to stop disfiguring religious statues for use in home decor. But I was baby-sitting one of my sister's kids tonight, and when he suggested the old McDonald's cartoon video, I erroneously jumped at the opportunity. I mean, how bad could it be? The kid already had me watch the third Beethoven movie three times in a row - how could an innocent child know a level of Hell that runs deeper than that? I thought he was just a kid, but now I'm pretty sure my sister gave birth to some demonspawn sent from Hades to torture me via a forced viewing of progressively lamer puns spouted off like a really leaky faucet or potato fryer by Ronald McDonald.

What was I thinking? The friendly mascots of McD's shouldn't ever be trifled with. Honestly, who would you rather run into in a dark alley: a serial killer, or Birdie? At least the serial killer isn't too scary looking. By the time they start carting out their reserves like Mac Tonight and that shithead mayor, you're so far into the fast food freak exhibit that there's simply no turning back. It's easy to avoid when you've only got to put up with these idiots for a thirty-second commercial, but for a concentrated forty minutes, you're lucky to make it out alive. I'd say I'm boycotting and only eating at Burger King from now on, but McDonald's sweet-and-sour packets are just way too prettier to skip out on. At the very least, I'm sending a friend in there from now on and staying in the car. Running into Grimace or even seeing his likeness on a charity poster would push me to the brink and force me to start painting myself purple and putting on lots of weight just out of sheer terror and confusion. The only way to escape fearing Grimace is to become Grimace.

I'm pretty sure that's what the teachings of Tao say, anyway.

If there's a plus side, the cartoon is a perfect choice for an X-E review. I would hope only a small percentage of you have actually seen this show, as it was only available at the 'restaurants' and you had to pay a few extra bucks to get your hands on it. Somehow, I don't think most of us went to McDonald's to buy videos. Then again, for two weeks out of every year, we all go there to play Monopoly. This place is society's only true melting pot. Now sit back, relax, and count your blessings. No matter how bad things seem for you right now, take solace that you're not watching a cartoon clown sing about hamburgers.

You're only reading about it. It's like having a cold as opposed to terminal cancer. By the way, McRibs cure cancer.

Things kick off dubiously enough, with Ronald sprawled centerfold-style across a queen-sized bed shaped like a hamburger. He and his dog, Sundae, are discussing how all those stupid tabloid papers like to report false news. Ronald argues that there's no way a man was swallowed whole by a whale and carried to Alaska, and I argue that this could've been a much better show if they had the clown be all lewd, cursing out his dog and hammering down glasses of scotch. Tell me that wouldn't get ratings. The dog offers his rebuttal, citing that it's indeed very possible for there to be alien life amongst us, much like the tabloids report. Ronald reluctantly agrees.

I think it'd be redundant for me to point out how strange it is to watch Ronald, away from the job, just lounging around at home like any normal guy. I always figured he took off the makeup behind closed doors, but he's just the right sort of Forever Clown the fast food world's been searching for. All this nonsense with the real life Ronald took place at the beginning of every episode, to set up the forthcoming plot and basically to illustrate that he's a good guy and we'd be wise to invest in his hamburgers.

The aliens are the focal point of today's show, and conveniently, just as soon as Ronald gets through talking about them with his dog, a big siren goes off and everyone recognizes it as the official McDonaldland Alien Alarm, meaning they're just moments away from a visit from another world. Ronald responds to this by freaking out in ways I don't care to describe, and realizes that he must convert to animated form so he can meet all his buddies in McDonaldland before the UFOs join the party. Here's how he does it:

After jumping into a carnival ball pit, (placed in the middle of his bedroom) Ronald goes through a huge pipe on his way to McDonaldland, transforming from the lovable clown we all know and love to a more freakish animated version who looks a lot like the Joker, the difference being Ronald uses his clowny powers for the forces of good. I still can't believe they made a cartoon based on the characters who shill the worst possible food a kid could eat. I don't know how many of you have actually taken the time to read the nutritional factoid posters kept well hidden in those joints, but suffice to say, you could clog your heart more slowly drinking olive oil straight from the bottle on a daily basis. How Ronald could sit there with a straight face all these years when he knows he's turning all our society's children into spherical buttercreatures is beyond me - the guy's a total sociopathic nut and I'm real miffed that we share the same hair color. The thought of being anything like this clown makes me feel more dirty than the time I tried eating two Big Macs in one sitting.

All the idiots gather around and start singing a song, because apparently this is what you're supposed to do in McDonaldland upon the threat of an alien invasion. Your favorites are all here - we've got Grimace, the giant purple monster who I guess represents milkshakes. We've got Birdie, who's more ninja-like in animated form. The McNuggets are here too, but at this point they're still live chickens, as opposed to cooked slabs of chicken with little eyes tacked on. They had to show 'em that way or else it wouldn't make sense when nobody tried eating them. Say what you will about McDonald's, but those Chicken McNuggets are a godsend. They don't even taste like real chicken - I suppose that's what happens when you fry the soul out of everything you serve. By the time they hit our dinner plates, the things are one part chicken and twelve parts solidified oil.

I have to admit, I'm going to feel pretty bad the next time I eat McNuggets. Here they're shown totally naive to the horrors that await them, playing away on their weird harmonicas and completely unaware that they're literally moments away from our stomachs. As a show of remorse, next time I'll just get a six-piece instead of the usual nine. At least I can save three of these guys from becoming lunch.

As things turn out, there was never any aliens. It was just the Hamburglar fooling around with the siren system so nobody would notice he's stealing the meat sandwiches. You know, I've always wondered why he prefers to steal so many burgers at one time, it's not like he can eat them all at once and those things spoil quicker than a frog left out on a chaise lounge. It's almost like he's stealing them because he admires the craftsmanship that went into making the things - it's got nothing to do with hunger, really. By the way, how many cows do you think it took to fill that sack with cheeseburgers? Not even one. Everybody knows those things are 90% earthworm meat. Don't get disgusted over it though...at least worms aren't covered in flies till the day they get their heads chopped off.

Ronald forgives the Hamburglar for his trickery, saying he understands that Hamburglar has an innate need to steal burgers. I'm not kidding, that's pretty much word-for-word how Ronnie justifies all this. One of the toon's ongoing themes is that nobody's ever allowed to be mad or upset over anything, which would come in handy if anyone paid off a cartoon character to slam an iron mallet against Birdie's head. It's really nothing against Birdie personally, I just hate it when people can't keep up with fashion trends and Birdie should know that aviator jackets went out of style in the mid-90s, right alongside Ninja Turtles and Fila sneakers.

But wouldn't you know it, an alien actually does arrive, and by this point, the Hamburglar is the only one around for the chance meeting. Turns out the two have a lot in common - they both like to pull pranks on everyone, and they both have lips that extend well past twelve inches in length. It's enough of a bond to establish immediate rapport, and the two hatch a plan to fuck around with the citizens of McDonaldland sheerly for their own amusement.

They decide on letting the alien use his powers to temporarily convert McDonaldland to Hamburglerland, a place where everything is prison striped. Grimace ends up looking like one of those 75th anniversary specially wrapped Hershey's Kisses, but other than that, the prank is pretty harmless. He could've at least turned Ronald into a donkey with flaming red hair. I mean, opportunities like this don't come along often, you've gotta make the most of them. Changing the color scheme was good for a cheap laugh, but it's not the kind of tale that'll come across well when the Hamburglar brags to his buddies about it in later years. 'And one time, this alien came around, and he and I turned everything BLACK AND WHITE!' See, doesn't sound too impressive. Then again, what do you expect from a guy who's entire existence is based on stealing hamburger meat?

The alien's giant parents arrive looking for him, so Ronald takes it upon himself to handle all the introductions. If that was me, I'd be way too freaked out to even speak, but you have to consider that Ronald's best friends are chickens, giant purple things, and a talking dog. Unless the aliens identified themselves as direct descendants of Satan, it's gonna take a lot more to throw Ronald off his game.

Our heroes help the big aliens find their son, and after that, the Hamburglar is invited on their little vacation through space. He happily agrees, not knowing that this vacation will last 3,000 years and he'll be dead long before they drop him off back home. Ronald tries to warn him, but it's too late: the Hamburglar flies off into space without a snowball's chance in Hell of getting back home for centuries. Hopefully the fun new planets they visit will have extraterrestrial versions of hamburgers for him to swipe.

Our friends hop into their spaceship after debating whether or not they should even try saving the Hamburglar. After all, he's been a constant source of stress for a long time now. Eventually, they realize that life in McDonaldland is pretty dull when there's no criminals roaming about stealing meat. They're very fortunate to have an interstellar vehicle readily available and in walking distance. And just proving that Lady Luck in on their side today, Ronald McDonald just happens to know how to pilot a space shuttle. Man, beneath that makeup lies a true mind.

When they catch up to the alien mothership several million miles away, the Hamburglar's friend won't cut it out with the pranks, unleashing a barrage of marshmallow goo and ice cream on their ship which stops them dead in their tracks. Why their ship is equipped with giant ice cream launchers is certainly up for debate.

Ronald enlists the help of another type of alien to eat all the garbage off his ship. The alien's name is 'I'm Hungry,' and we the viewers get the pleasure of watching him eat to the backdrop of a weird sort of music video that seems to exist solely for the purpose of keeping us from thinking about how stupid everything that's happening really is. After I'm Hungry finishes cleaning off their ship, they catch back up to the other aliens, and somehow, everyone gets caught in the midst of a giant interplanetary food fight. Things look grim, because all the various aliens are throwing really heavy food and it's only a matter of time before someone's critically injured. Ronald knows that he has to put a stop to this before it's too late, so he gathers all his friends atop the shuttle and stifles the violence the only way he knows how: with a stage performance.

My name's Ronnie M and I'm here to say...
I'm getting damn tired of yer food fightin' ways!
Please put down that grub, and lidden to my song...
Yo yo space freaks! Can't we all just get along?
My hair's bright red and I wear giant shoes...
My favorite Greek gods were Apollo and Zeus!
I wish y'all would stop yer hatin'...
You're making me mad, this clown HATES regulatin'!

All the aliens really want Ronald to stop singing, so they agree to put an end to their food fight. The Hamburglar's returned to his friends, and everything's normal again. Or at least, as normal as things can get in McDonaldland. Hammy apologizes for fibbing and causing all this trouble, and he's forgiven. Ronald was never one to hold a grudge.

He flies back up the weird tube and is a real-life clown again, back in his bedroom wearing cute pajamas. Still, he keeps the makeup on, totally disregarding all sensibilities - his pores are gonna be so clogged tomorrow morning. And that's doubly bad if you consider what he eats. The battle is won and everyone goes home happy.

To close out the episode, Ronald and Sundae discuss the day's events. When the talk turns to a more serious side, it's pretty hilarious to watch Ronald trying to look pensive as if what his dog has to say holds any real value.

Overall: This show would've been a whole lot better if it was all live action. I know that'd be impossible for budgeting reasons, but it's tough to get into a cartoon Grimace when the real deal is nowhere in sight. I miss Grimace. Still, it was nice of 'em to throw in the little skits with the real Ronald, it showed that this wasn't a total throwaway project. It was only around 80% throwaway. 20% of effort in a cartoon about McDonald's is pretty admirable, I'd say. You wouldn't miss much if you never made an attempt to see these videos, but it's kinda worth it just to watch Ronald doing everyday things like reading, getting dressed, and jumping through interdimensional portals disguised as ball pits.

Bonus: Click on any one of the following to hear vintage McDonald's commercials, back from simpler times. Double Cheesburger - Big Mac - Christmas - McD's DLT - New Coke - The Menu Song Contest!. Enjoy, and have a good 4th, everyone!

- Matt
Instant Messager: xecharchar

Check Out: Ernie's House of Whoopass! Definitely not safe for work, and definitely 18+, go find out why this mix of thoughts and jackoff material still leads the net pack.

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