These things are altogether kooky.  By the way, I'm going to eat your testicles if you don't mouseover somewhere else.  Fucking retard.

Previous Article - X-Entertainment - Next Article --- By Matt - 7/12/'02

Monster toys come in all shapes and sizes, even the elusive oval! Over the decades and various generations of children, these creeps have been the one true constant as far as playthings go. No kid on the planet hasn't had something to do with monsters. Our fathers had model sets depicting really ugly versions of Dracula, while people like us were handed 'Monster Labs' where the sole intent seemed to be making a really big mess of our parents' dining room table. The cycle continues on today - one of my nephews couldn't live until he'd collected every last doll in the Stretch Screamers line. If you've never seen those figures, they're huge stretching buddy dolls that allowed green ooze to pop out of the Wolfman's ears. If that's not a reason to be jealous of kids today, I don't know what is.

Today's article puts the spotlight on four different monster-themed toys from long ago - a tribute to some of the weirdest and often asinine toys, games, and kits to ever credit Universal Studios with a copyright notice. The items we're taking a look at are far from your typical spooky fare...this isn't a picture gallery of boring action figures or mood rings featuring the word 'ghost' in red plastic on the band. I've scoured my resources to locate the very best in esoteric toy entertainment, and I'm pretty sure you'll be shocked and scared to death of what kids used to play with. Remember, there once was a time where no parental control groups closely monitored what went on the market. It was an era where toys with toxic ingredients flourished, but more importantly, a time where a little boy could play with something truly freaky without anyone batting an eye.

Putting it another way, you're not going to find any kids today caressing their shrunken head dolls or sticking working lightbulbs in their mouths. Stuff like that was lost in simpler times - but salvaged for one night only in this special X-E tribute to some of the strangest monstrous tinker toys you've ever seen.

Captain Planet's favorite SBTB character was Tori, because she was ecologically conscious enough to wear a PLEATHER leather coat. To make things a little more interesting, we're going to compare each toy as we run through the pages to a simple, standard Captain Planet action figure. How do these vintage pieces stack up against the champion of all things good and unpolluted? There's only one way to find out! Will Captain Planet be a dick and play the tired old ecology card, or will he admit defeat should one of these magnificent monster toys defeat him in competition? Read through the pages and judge for yourself. Of course, you don't really have to judge for yourself since I've taken the liberty of doing that for you.

This feature is meant to be read in order, but if you'd like to skip around, there's a subsidized site map on the bottom of each page. I don't reccomend reading it that way though because without order, there is only chaos. Besides, it kinda kills all the continuity of the article and that makes me look downright silly. Click on the link below to start your journey into the world of ghastly ghosts and devilish devils!


Vincent Price's Stupid Shrunken Head
. The Friend Frankenstein Kit
Uncle Fester's Mystery Lightbulb
Yipes! The Scariest Board Game Ever!