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If I Was A Cartoon, Here's The Girls Who'd Turn Me Down...
Presented by Matt on 04/21/00

I was checking out the X-E Message Board, and saw this was a choice topic. So thanks for the article idea guys!

Hot girls in cartoons weren't exactly easy to come by. Either they were some weird alien, or the animation was so shitty that they ended up looking like transvestites. But once in awhile a cartoon gal was hot enough to warrant odd fantasies about. Course it led to a problem since you either had to come up with a cartoon version of yourself or a human version of them to make it work, but the point is some cartoon chicks were actually pretty hot. Let's take a look at some of the tops...

The White Queen

Good god. Emma Frost as the White Queen is the only children's cartoon character I can think of that deserves a spread in Playboy. She is perfection. Firstly, the fucking girl is wearing lingerie. She's wearing a strap-together top and panties. You're telling me that her enemies were more concerned with defeating her than fucking the shit out of her? I think not. Telekinises, or whatever the fuck her power is, falls second to that fact that her enemies would just stand there and gawk at her till somebody shot them.

Everything about her was sexy. She was regal and slutty all at the same time. She was part of the luxurious Hellfire Club, which just screams 'covert bordello'. She had an awesome voice. Her last name was 'Frost'. I swear, someone send me an animation cel of this girl and I'll fucking marry it.

Harley Quinn

Harley Quinn was the type of girl you'd find at school, knew she slept with everyone & was a dirty slut, but you'd still chop your legs off to get at her. You have to's not easy to look good in a court jester outfit. I can attest to that. Still, she pulls it off wonderfully. She's got the waist size of an anorexic and the breast size of a really fat soul singer. Sure, she had a voice that would make you rip your ears off, but no one's asking her to talk.

Plus, she was aligned with the Joker, the greatest Batman villain of all time. She'd still be hot if she chose someone stupid, like Clayface or something, but this is just an added bonus. A+

Betty Rubble

Now, I don't want you to sit there and picture Betty Rubble. I want you to picture Betty Rubble ten years younger, and erase the fact that she was played by Rosie O'Donnell from your memory. What do you get? The world's first hot chick. What's even cooler is that if she'd agree to sleep with a midget like Barney, we'd all have a pretty good shot.


The pic above does NOT do Frosta justice. It's the only one I could find. Frosta had everything I was looking for in a woman...perfect figure, sense of fashion, and cotton candy blue hair. She didn't take any of She-Ra's self-righteous 'I'm the leader!' bullshit either. She was her own woman, which leads me to believe she must've been pretty sexually liberated.

Frosta really didn't have much of a selection of guys to choose from either. That one normal looking dude was obsessed with She-Ra. So who'd Frosta have to pick from? Guys like this:

Doesn't seem fair, does it?

Sailor Mercury

She wasn't really fuckable in the sense of most of the others. She was just really cute. She's the girl you'd take to the movies and buy her a book by her favorite poet. Again, another one with blue hair. It's my cartoon female weakness.

She was also the girl on the Sailor Moon team that was the most studious. She liked reading books and stuff, which only made her that much cuter. Five or six years ago I gave the doll version of Sailor Mercury to an ex-girlfriend. I hope she didn't notice the kiss marks all over the box.


I've had a crush on Cobra's hottest contribution for as long as I can remember. Aside from the fact that she had a body that high-dollar strippers would be jealous of, she had everything I ever wanted in a woman: glasses, all-black outfits, pale skin, and a killer accent. The fact that her name was simply 'Baroness' only added to the reasons why I kept her figure in my pocket as a surrogate girlfriend during childhood.

I'm sure some of your opinions will differ. But these girls are definitely my picks should I ever decide to draw a cartoon based on a harem.

- Matt