hello again. i am still madd matt. i remain a halloween wizard i teach you and you learn spooky things. occasionally i reap the benefits of your soul in exchange for home decorating tips. i cannot be stopped, only halted. with a cross and a case of clear Gatorade. i hate that stuff. i will nay should nay MUST coat my arms with the blood of your beloved. but first i will tell you how to dress up for this halloween.
if you are like me, you cannot get work because people do not hire the dead. without work i am penniless. without pennies i cannot make wishes in mall fountains. this makes me sad. if i was not already dead i would hang myself. but since i am already dead, i have no choice but to go on without money and without skin pigment, and with a brain so eaten by maggots that i no longer get the jokes on the golden girls. my point is that i don't have enough money to afford a halloween costume. if you are dead you too are in this predicament i have a solution to present. i also have the spirit of the devil swarming inside my gooey viscera. i prey on children.
with a buck fifty and a time machine, you could win a bounty of costumes by way of the masters of the universe press-out book. the book is eloquent and colored like blood. i like blood. i also enjoy polynesian leis. i like to picture the hula girls who used to wear them, decapitated and without movement. i like to picture myself as the cause. i am murderous and delightful. but the he-man book is even more delightful. low low cost, high high art. many costumes await us. and much pain.
the book contains pullout costumes, and decorations, and a hint of evil. unfortunately they used dull paper so no kids will receive paper cuts. but aside from that the book is great. i've chewed fingers. let's see what is inside.
first, a do-not-disturb sign. the sign pictures skeletor and his giant purple bear. i like giant bears because they have larger internal organs than normal sized bears. i can have seconds and thirds. and the eyes for dessert or in my evil martinis. do-not-disturb signs are terrific because, if you ask me, skinning babies and making broth with their bones is something very private. i do not want intruders. i do not want religion. just baby bone broth. to get it i need time and privacy. and a betty crocker book. so a do-not-disturb sign comes in handy. i especially like it because there is a skeleton on it. skeletons remind me of death. i am death. death chews fingers.
okay let us talk about costumes. but first let us talk about sex, baby. har hah hey hoh haa i love salt n pepa. especially on my baby meat steaks. har hah hey hoh hoh holy cow intestines. errrgh costumes, yes. he-man books are good fun and they have pullout masks. there are two in this book. one good one evil. we start with the good one because evil is marquee and should go last.
okay, the first mask is for teela. teela is he-man's girlfriend with the tits. she battles evil but we will let that slide, because she is not just he-man's girlfriend with the tits, she's he-man's girlfriend with the really really big tits. small tits small meal, big tits big meal. here, let me show you what the teela mask looks like.
if the incantation was correct, you are my father, man-at-arms. i am sexy now. i can have children too. would make catching food easier. being a woman is not much different from being a man, but now i have to get in a different position to piss on the faces of my victims before slicing their throats open. but change is good. and so is spider venom.
they did not include a he-man mask, but they did have his chestplate. now i will be protected from stakes to the heart. take a gander:
look, i'm the most powerful dead guy in the universe. with my newfound might i will destroy you and kill your family. heed my warnings. feed me brains.
since you only get a chestplate, you will have to accessorize the rest of the costume using home items. for he-man's sword, use a huge butcher knife. i always carry one anyway so it is not a hassle. this costume makes attaining the staff of life much easier, as i will explain cough cough cough. luciferians pay attention. i am salvation in the form of sin.
use your modified he-man sword to cut your wrists open. this means you kids!
now drink your blood. you miss out on the thrill of the hunt by drinking someone else's blood, but blood is blood! besides, when you do this people will pity you for the cosmetic suicide attempt and shower you with attention and gifts. then when they are busy telling you 'it'll be okay', seize the opportunity to stab them in the face and suck the eyeballs out of their heads. halloween is good fun. i watch you while you sleep. i plan attacks. soon i will take your spiritual essence. i have no remorse. who invented soap-on-a-rope anyway?
okay friends are you ready for my skeletor impression????
"hey beast man bring me the monkey brains! i'm gonna climb inside the sorceress and eat her from the inside out! nyaaaaaaahhhhh heh heh heh hehhhh!"
the skeletor mask has convenient press-out eyeholes so you won't have to murder people blindfolded. this is the mask for the working killer. i am the working killer.
look behind me. don't i have a nice wall unit for a dead zombie? i am successful even in death. to celebrate i will eat cake. in the underworld, baby hearts are cakes.
okay that is about all for the costumes, but the book has more. there is a page with things you need to tie together, and it is eerily reminiscent of a puzzle. i have no fear in telling you - dead people hate puzzles. we just do not have the mind power left to complete them. so when zombies see puzzles, zombies destroy puzzles. but since puzzles do not contain blood, i cannot eat them. instead i set them ablaze and hope somebody with blood catches fire.
kids make sure you remember this part of today's lesson. fire is friendly. so am i. why don't you come over? bring some friends. don't tell your parents though, this is a surprise party for them. i promise. cross my heart. soon i will cross yours.
the masters of the universe press-out book has proved beneficial to your halloween costuming. i do not know where you can buy these things. i suggest trying my basement dungeon. lock yourself in a cage and a book will magically appear i swear it. don't mind all the arms spilled on the floor. home decor is in the eye of the beholder.
sunlight kills me.
and that is all for today's show. i hope i have helped you or caused you to bleed. next time we meet you will learn the intricacies of spooking up your home this halloween. we will learn how to make decorative ghosts out of tissues and how to turn people into bloody posters. come back soon. be well to each other. but not too well.
  
  
- Matt
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