I have an obsession. It's not something I'm proud of. It's more like a sickness, only without the potential hope of medication. I am tortured by my obsession - almost mocked by it. I despise and loathe this sickness, I hate it with every fiber of my cholesterol clogged heart. Yet I cannot escape it. I cannot deny it. I'm forced to go through life nurturing it, aiding it. I must continue on, revolting myself and those around me. Such is my existence with the sickness. Such are my sins without penance.
Friends, I'm obsessed with holiday decorations.
Admission is the first step.
I don't know how it started. It's been like this for as long as I can remember. When I was zero, still in my mother's womb...I remember it so clearly. On the Christmas before my birth, Mom ate some holiday-themed X-Mas cookies. Upon seeing them float down her insides, I grabbed at the larger, intact chunks so I could decorate the walls of her stomach with partially eaten gingerbread men. Even as her digestive juices chipped away at my holy decor, I would never give up. I still will never give up. I'm sick. Obsessed. Cursed.
A side effect of my affliction is the stern belief that holiday decorations need to be on display at least two full months before the actual holiday. I'd prepare even earlier, but the stores refuse to sell Halloween decorations until the first week in September. Before that glorious day when the decorations finally hit store shelves, I camp outside my establishment of choice. At dawn, I stand aside the entrance with a 50 in one hand, a gun in the other. The 50 is for decorations, the gun is to persuade anyone trying to pick up something I want to seek it elsewhere. Ah, who am I kidding? I just like guns. Especially after I doll them up with plastic jewels using a glue gun. The sickness knows no bounds.
This year was no different. After the first slight hint that summer was coming to a close, my mind immediately raced towards Dracula - or more specifically, Dracula-shaped window clings. Within days my apartment was littered with the crappiest Halloween decorations known to man, and it wasn't until every square inch was covered that I could finally rest...inside a spooky cardboard life-sized coffin that only cost five bucks!
My girlfriend, whom I've adorned with a Bride of Frankenstein wig and several comical 'Boo!' buttons, finally intervened. We live together, see. It's an arrangement I agreed to partly out of love, but mostly because she had terrific posters and Aztec statues, and I knew they'd look great on my wall unit. The sickness doesn't attack only on holidays. She put her foot down, nearly breaking the five ceramic pumpkins in the middle of our kitchen floor. After hearing her out, and listening to the reasons why our apartment couldn't be completely covered in Halloween decorations, we agreed on a compromise: I could only decorate one room. I chose the living room. Mainly because the bedroom is still full of July 4th decorations.
I have decided to archive the sickness today in this article - to show it all in photos and words so I'll have something to reflect on when the time comes for a progress report. I apologize if you're not interested in my Halloween decorations, but a man's gotta do what his girlfriend says a man's gotta do. If anything, perhaps you'll get some festive ideas for your own home decor. If there's one thing I've learned about the sickness, it's that it is indeed contagious. Beware. Soon your soaps will all rest in witch-shaped soap dishes. Over soap dish plates shaped like bats. Over a bathroom sink covered in werewolf stickers. I need help. Please help me?
With that, here are most of my Halloween decorations. Enjoy them as I do. Just don't cross the line into infatuation. You'll be sorry. You'll also be broke when Macy's converts their second floor into Christmasland.
It all started with the Tabletop Hangman, a dollar store purchase of which I now own six or seven dozen. As the package cleverly points out, Tabletop Hangman makes regular games of hangman a lot more interesting. Visual aids are always effective, especially when the visual aid is a cheap, plastic skeleton with fall-apart bone action.
I don't know why people keep wasting a dollar on lotto tickets when Tabletop Hangman is the same price and completely guarantees satisfaction. Sure, you won't become a millionaire. But you'll have a 2" plastic skull! Who could ask for anything more? Unfortunately, the skeleton really can't be used in any science experiments, since it's not exactly true to scale. It would be if our arms were roughly three inches longer than our legs. We'd also have necks rapidly approaching a giraffe-level in length.
Seems the skeleton is supposed to represent the future perfect evolution of the human race. Who wouldn't want really long arms and a neck long enough to wear a bandolier strap around?
I think my favorite thing about Tabletop Hangman is the fact that the poor guy was hung not by his neck, but by an unfortunate loop that was growing out of his skull. Maybe a benign tumor? (Item Cost: 1.00, Total Cost 1.00)
Now these are great. Grim Reaper Party Lights. They're actually kind of scary to look at, so on Halloween I'll probably drape myself in them and smother my face in lamb guts so I can extract some measure of revenge against any little kids who'd seek to take candy from my doorstep. My feeling is this: if I'm supposed to just hand over fun-sized Snickers bars to complete strangers, there's no way I'm not going to attempt making them piss themselves first. If one could deduce that the water and electricity costs of washing a pair of pants is equal to the cost of one fun-sized Snickers, they'd have a simple, succinct equation - "piss stained pants, washed = fun-sized Snickers." It's all about balance.
The lights also feature draping cloaks, so they look extra festive if you put 'em near a fan. (Item Cost: 6.00, Total Cost 7.00)
Scary Cardboard Pinups! I don't know what came over me - these are the types of decorations even a kindergarten class would consider not putting up, thinking they were above the maturity level. I had a lot of self-doubt about these until I noticed the 69-cent price tag. As my father once told me as he fitted me into my sister's sundress on the first day of second grade, "it's not shameful if it's cheap." As I proudly took my punches then during lunch break, I so proudly make tack holes all over my kitchen walls hanging up stupid cardboard monster faces.
I bought four - Frankenstein, Dracula, Werewolf, and Grim Reaper. Dracula's probably my favorite, because he's making the same face I do when I drive over a weird bump in the road that somehow feels like sex. It's a look of surprise and quiet victory. The others just look like bad actors trying to appear menacing. It's hard to take Frankenstein seriously when he's smirking. (Item Cost: .69 each, 2.76 in all. Total Cost: 9.76)
The Happy Inflatable Ghost was ten ounces of trouble. I kept trying to tape him to the wall, and every morning I'd find the thing on the floor. I'd put it back, and as soon as I turned around, BAM - right back to the floor. I'm not sure if I was because I was using haunted tape, or because scotch tape typically won't stick to sheetrock. Finally I got so frustrated that I just nailed the thing by it's frizzly tassels to the ceiling. Since the ghost is still smiling, I don't think he took it personally.
Not pictured is the Happy Inflatable Bat, which I also couldn't resist. Both the Inflatable Bat and the Inflatable Ghost has tassels. Just thought I'd mention it since it's the first time I've been able to use the word 'tassel' on X-E. Tassel tassel tassel. (Item Cost Total: 2.00, Total Cost: 11.76)
I decided it was high time to spook up our really terrible key holder. At least, I'm pretty sure it's a key holder. Either way it's a really lame wooden cat and I'm sick of everyone thinking it's mine. Yeah, my g/f had some cool posters and Aztec statues. But she also had a lot of stupid cat ornaments and heart-shaped coasters. I opted to overlook it because it's the sort of thing that could break us up if I thought about it long enough.
Anyway, if you look closely you'll notice a Pumpkin Man (1.00) hanging from one of the key holder pegs. ISN'T THAT JESUS CHRIST SCARY?! But wait - there's more! Take another look. Take an even closer look...
Zombie fingers on the pegs! Woo hoo! Absolute terror in the key department! These glorious digits were just thirteen cents a pop. I bought them thinking I could make my own fingers green and scary, but wouldn't you know it, they're just too small to fit. Maybe I should cut down on the sodium. Or maybe I should stop trying to wear stuff meant for five-year-olds. (Item Cost .36, + 1.00 for Pumpkin Man. Total Cost: 13.12)
I had this Halloween decoration magazine chock full of hints and strategies to make your home look more spooky. In it were directions to make a creepy mobile. I thought there were too many steps, so I improvised by taping two coat hangers together and hanging old Butterfly Art Barbie dolls I used to sell on eBay on it. Unfortunately, the only two Butterfly Art dolls I had left were both 'Stephens' - Ken's African-American Super Buddy. So now it looks like I'm this big racist, and it's not like I'm going to go buy a white Barbie doll just to fix it.
While those were technically free since I already owned them, I got both of the wall hangings in the background for a buck. They were supposed to be a buck each, but the cashier didn't notice that the two of them were stuck together. A Halloween Miracle? You decide, Charlie Brown. (Item Cost: 1.00, Total Cost 14.12)
Crappy candles and plastic skull treatholders. The skulls are scattered around the room in any available spot. They're not particularly noteworthy. Not much else to say. Skulls are skulls. Big boring skulls. At least Tabletop Hangman had that whole looped tumor thing. These ones got shit.
The candles are more interesting, in that they're not really candles. In fact, I'm not sure they're made of wax, either. The store swore they were candles, but I thought candles were supposed to have wicks. I see something atop each of them that looks something like a wick, but it's buried deep within the fake wax and doesn't seem all that flammable. Also, the candles seem to chip all by themselves, almost intentionally surrounding themselves with waxy bits as if they reproduce by spawning. I can't complain since they were just a quarter each, but candles aren't very fun if you can't use them to make scary fire. (Item Cost Total: 2.00, Total Cost 16.12. The Battle of 1612!!! Yes!)
This one was a problem. It's supposed to be an electronic tombstone to introduce guests to your haunted house. But it doesn't really look much like a tombstone. Unless tombstones were formerly made of plastic plywood. Secondly, as soon as we got it out of the box, most of the paint chipped off the letters. Even after hours of glue treatments, the best we could get was a 'Haunted Ouse' sign.
I'm not sure what it does when you add two 'AA' batteries, and I'll probably never know. The back of the thing has a battery cover protected by at least four thousand small screws. It'd be Thanksgiving by the time I could pry it open. So now it rests in a hidden corner, a black mark on our otherwise posh decor. (Item Cost: 6.00, Total Cost 22.16)
The Triumvirate of Terror: A Book of Shadows, Michael Jackson's Thriller, and Better Homes and Gardens' Salad Book. Not sure which one's scariest. Maybe the Salad Book because it's an old one and all the salads somehow contain corned beef or veal. Then again, the Book of Shadows contains a spell to conjure up imps. I'm not sure if Thriller is that scary, but that's only because he's not interested in boys my age.
I already had these, so the total cost is unchanged. Yes, I already had a Book of Shadows and an LP of Thriller. Strictly for their collectible value, I assure you. Now just beat it.
Spooky Window-Clings. They don't seem to stick to refrigerators all that well. Obviously the work of ghosts. I'll get you for this, Christmas Yet-To-Be. (Item Cost: 1.00, Total Cost: 23.16)
What was supposed to be a routine supermarket trip for cat food turned into a celebration of spooky cereal the likes of which previously thought impossible. In the spirit of the season, they've re-released boxes of Frankenberry, Count Chocula, and the absolute Holy Grail of obscure breakfast masterpieces, Boo Berry.
Oddly, only Frank and the Count have offers on their boxes for bobblehead figures. What about Boo Berry? Why doesn't he get a bobblehead? I just don't understand it, Boo is superior to the other two in every which way and he's still gotten the shaft for the past twenty years. You'd think by now General Mills would've heard the public outcry for blue ghost spokespeople, but noooo! They're too busy generalizing and milling to notice! Krauts I tell you, they're lousy KRAUTS. Still, I was happy to see them again. Even happier to decorate our wall unit with boxes of cereal. Halloween lets you be so much more of a retard than any other holiday. (Item Cost Total: 6.00, Total Cost: 29.16)
We got a little crazy with the bags of fake webs. It's everywhere you look. Of course, they look nothing like webs and to the outsider it'd appear as if we just tacked balls of cotton to the walls for no apparent reason. I think that's a good thing though, it'll divert their attention from my racist ceiling mobile. (Item Cost: 1.00, Total Cost: 30.16)
The Mummy Finger Puppet. I bought it because it was the last thing in the store Halloween-themed that I didn't already purchase. Well, that's only half true. I like putting on puppet shows for my Star Wars figures. They can't run away. (Item Cost: .25, Total Cost: 30.41)
Okay, I have no idea what this thing is. I just had to have it. It seems to be a plate of severed fingers with a decapitated head in the center. I'm pretty sure they were trying to rip off Fester Addams, but I might just be stereotyping since I can't think of any other bald creatures with a bluish hue.
The back has a hollowed hole, so you could technically rip the head off and use it as a mask, assuming your head doesn't exceed a 4" diameter. Mine does, so I'm stuck with another dumb hockey mask this year. (Item Cost: 5.00, Total Cost: 35.41)
We're not through yet! This is only the first half of what I wasted money on. In Part II, you'll see everything from haunted lightbulbs to haunted candy and beyond. And maybe even a haunted tree! Are you excited? You shouldn't be. You should be terrified. And you will be. Oh yes, you will be.
CONTINUE TO PART II!!!
- Matt
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