 
Elvira uses her newfound powers to cast a spell on a casserole, which she sneaks onto the buffet table at the Morality Club's annual picnic party. Even though the glop is pretty obviously covered in bugs, dirt, and slime - who can resist when she threw it into a Tiffany bowl? Man, I'd eat horse balls out of one of those.
Of course, since this is only a movie, and a pretty stupid one at that, everyone at the picnic eats some of Elvira's stuff. She's hiding off to the side in the bushes waiting to see the results, so let's find out what kind of evil spell this was...
 
Ah! It was an orgy spell! Within moments, everyone in town's half-naked and slobbering all over each other. Including Chastity Pariah, and you know what that means. Edie. McClurg. Sex. Scene. I'm repulsed and delighted simultaneously - was wavering on ecstatic until Edie pulled up her skirt and sat crotch-first on some old guy. There's some visuals better left to the imaginations of really sick people. Edie McClurg forcing a carpet ride on my grandfather is definitely one of them. Especially after seeing her eat all that gloppy chili. Mr. Poole must be turning beet red. Or at least ripe peach orange. Mellow yellow? He's turning some color, I know that much.
 
The Morality Club has a hard time making excuses for themselves at their meeting the next day, with everyone trying to blame someone else for being so damned horny. Finally, Uncle Vincent arrives and blames Elvira for it - and for everything else that's ever gone wrong in the town. Chastity and her merry band of ugly righteous goatfaces decide that it's high time to do something about that little wench - perhaps a good old fashioned witch burning? Yes, that's the answer.
They first throw Elvira in jail, because the movie wouldn't be complete without a scene featuring her knocking a metal stein against steel bars. She sends Bobby off to find her recipe/spellbook, but he'll be intercepted by Uncle Vinny's goons in a few minutes. All hope seems lost. You can almost see the perk deflating from her chest. I'm getting worried.
 
By the way, did I mention that Elvira owns a poodle with a punk mohawk that can turn into a mouse or a giant bulldog? I didn't? Oops. Yeah, she has one.
 
At the witch burning ceremony, the whole town's gathered around to watch Elvira get what she has coming to her. All the kids are there too, but their protests go unheard. After setting the wood below her on fire, Elvira starts jiggling (of course) her way to freedom. But those damn ropes are around her chest too tight, (of course) and she only manages to get one hand free. Fortunately, it's the hand that has the weird spooky ring on it.
Elvira starts siphoning lightning to her fists, and pretty soon, there's a huge thunderstorm. The deathly fire goes out, and she's able to free herself. This is where things start getting really strange. The movie was skirting around the horror spoof it was meant to be up to this point, but for the final minutes, it's straight out of Plan 9.
 
Uncle Vincent returns, this time as a completely disfigured evil witch. He looks sort of like the Emperor from Return of the Jedi, only without the sick obsession with making every grown man around him his slave. After turning Edie and some of the locals into pigs, he continues his trek to find and destroy Elvira. I'm not sure if he's after her ring or if he just doesn't like her face. Either way, he finally got his hands on that recipe book, so our heroine is gonna have hell to pay.
 
The bazooka has zero effect on Vincent, who responds to getting shot by spitting fire all over the place. He chases Elvira through a graveyard before ending up back at the old house, and things are looking pretty grim. Then Elvira hears a voice, apparently from her dead relatives, telling her that she's got the power within her, and doesn't need no stinking recipe books.
You've gotta see the special effects here - when Vincent's spitting fire, it looks like it's coming out of his nose rather than his mouth. I dunno, maybe they're nose flames. Dragons have them, why not Vincent? Elvira needs to act quick if she wants to make it out of her movie in one piece.
 
She does. After getting the ring back from Vincent's severed hand, the demon gets zapped to another dimension. The day is saved, but Elvira's house has been destroyed. Now she'll never raise the cash to get to Vegas. Or will she?!
 
The townspeople decide that they've been really unfair to Elvira - after all, she did save them from Vincent's maniacal rampage. To compensate, they fix her car and pay her way to Vegas so she can complete her dream. As we're about to find out, Elvira's dreams are pretty twisted. She gets the headlining Vegas show, and uses it as a platform to do some kind of interpretive sex dance with naked guys and a ton of leather props...
 
If you think the extended scene with guys petting her ass is bad, wait till you see the finale. A lot of movies like to end with a feelgood moment - a scene filled with hope and glory. Elvira: Mistress of the Dark, on the other hand, wanted to end with something a little more unique:
SPINNING NIPPLE TASSELS.
Elvira made it - she achieved her dreams. If she can do it, you can too. Wow, the movie actually has a positive message. Who woulda thought? Anyway, this was 100% fun from start to finish, and unless you've got a really intense Elvira-hatred for some reason, there's no way you won't transform your arm into a TV/VCR combo so you can watch it anytime you want.
Overall: What, like you need more reasons to see this movie? My only regret is that I didn't get to see it sooner. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark is a stupid, accidental masterpiece. She ain't even that bad of an actress, believe it or not. I'd probably try to marry her if people wouldn't think I had a granny complex. In terms of a final rating, here's how it ranks...
 
Overall Score: 4 1/2 Elviras Tied To Poles.
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- Matt
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