previous article | | next article

She's a Small Wonder, and a really fucking annoying television show.
Presented by Matt on 04/05/00

There might be worse television shows in history, but certainly none more annoying than the putrid 80s sitcom, Small Wonder.

Remember this work of art? Your typical faggy 80s suburban family, plus a robot daughter. Imagine the shenanigans that ensued. Of course, the plot, and I use that term loosely, was based around the fact that little Vicki's secret robot identity had to be kept secret, otherwise the neighbors would find out and all sorts of mass hysteria would break out.

An interesting point to make is that the mother, a demure housewife, was by far the most masuline character on the show. The father, ,was far more believable as an interior decoration with an affinity for pastels than an inventor. And the son? Ironically named Jamie, he makes Jonathan from Who's the Boss? look like a marine sergeant. If I wanted to see fags wearing pink jeans, I'd look in the mirror. When I watch television, I want to be a man! Course, Jamie did have a crush on his sister robot, which is double-sick.

Despite the goofy premise of the show, it was about as cliched as it could get. We even had the annoying little next door neighbor girl who always seems to be on the verge of finding out the horrible family secret. She was the classic Urkel prototype. I'm pretty sure her name was Valerie, but all you really need to know is that she was a little redhaired girl who's probably the reason for the men on the show's faltering heterosexuality.

You really have to question the motives of television producers. Who could possibly think this would be a long-running, successful show? That stupid Cheers spinoff, The Tortellis', had more of a shelf life. I swear, producers back then used to take bets to see how long they could keep horrible shows on the air. Think about it...this was the era of Harry and the Hendersons and What A Dummy. Every stupid show back then had the same thing going...some creature/robot/puppet that's alive. I could've scripted a show for a quasi-feminist family hiding a living, breathing candy dish, and by these standards it would've made the NBC Saturday night line-up.

Though, despite picking a stupid idea to market, the producers spared no expense in advertising this atrocity. Click Here to see an actual ad promoting this glorious show!

Adding to the overall madness was one of the most annoying catchy tv theme songs of all time. 'She's a...smalllll wonder!' Poor third graders caught humming this during kickball were almost always found murdered by their classmates after recess. Watching Small Wonder in the privacy of your own home was by no means cool, but drawing attention to it in public was nigh-social suicide.

In my effort to fully explore the sheer level of suckiness this program reached, I've uploaded an MP3 file you have to hear to believe. Click here to get down with Vicky and the crew!

To the left you'll find the extent of the depth of Small Wonder's storylines. A little girl dancing around like a moron. Definitely a quality show. It frustrates me to the point where I refuse to research whether or not this idiot robot's name is spelled 'Vicki' or 'Vicky'.

Look at her go! Aside from talking like Soundwave and occassionally lifting heavy objects, dancing like she was covered in gorilla mites was the extent of Vicki's robot skills.

In other words, this show absolutely sucked.

- Matt