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The webmaster PokeChallenge
Aaron - 03/03/01



In my dreams, a man appeared to me. The man was dressed like Santa Claus, but had a meat cleaver and bloodstains on his clothes. He scared me.

The man introduced himself as "Wayne" and stated that he had traveled far to reach me. He had come to warn me of a very serious event that could harshly affect the existence of humankind itself. A situation so dastardly that the very fate of the universe was held in the outcome. Namely:

Matt had gotten a hold of the remote controlled Ivysaur.

Wayne explained that he came from the depths of the X-E archives to warn me of this event. Matt's acquisition of the remote-controlled Ivysaur would move him one step closer to a complete Pokemon collection. A complete Pokemon collection meant becoming a Pokemon master. Becoming a Pokemon master meant...

...WORLD DOMINATION!!!

World domination by a child of the 80's was too much for me to handle. Imagine a world where everyone wears Michael Jackson jackets, where Duran Duran is played 24/7 on the airwaves, where Jem and the Holograms would be revived for prime time viewing...

The thought petrified me. I broke out in a cold sweat.

"Aaron, you are the chosen one!" exclaimed Wayne. "You are also an 80's child, also born in the full moon of 1979. Only you will have the power to defeat Matt at his own game. Go, collect 6 Pokemon and defeat him before he becomes too strong!"

The sound of the alarm brought me back to reality. It was morning.

Hey, I know better than to ignore psychotic, axe murdering Santas - even if they do appear to me in dreams. Thus, I set out on my journey to collect 6 Pokemon of my own...just as Wayne had proclaimed.

I remembered the way in which Matt acquired his remote controlled Ivysaur - wandering through a toxic forest in New York. I followed his example by locating a nearby toxic forest conveniently located across the street from my house. I was a bit pessimistic about my chances of locating any Pokemon there. However, my doubts were soon extinguished when I discovered a wild Pokemon, just waiting to be captured.

Unfortunately, I had forgotten my Poke-lore. Wild Pokemon could only be captured with other Pokemon. I was suddenly attacked by the small rat-like Pokemon and quickly ran back to my house.

What was I to do? I had no Pokemon of my own, but I could not capture Pokemon without having a Pokemon. The Pokemon system worked almost exactly like credit! I went into a deep depression and was about to commit suicide (by watching Battlefield Earth) until I remembered...

Sandy! Yes, my loyal dog could be considered a Pokemon! He has the mighty "bark" attack, the wondrous "whimper" technique, and the almighty "yelp and run with his tail between his legs" secret weapon. I renamed my dog Sandypuff and tried to stuff him into a Pokeball. It did not work. I guess, like Pikachu, Sandy did not like being confined in such a place.

Thinking that I could use Sandy to sniff out wild Pokemon was a mistake. After two hours, Sandy only managed to sniff out various types of animal feces that he immediately rolled around in. Disheartened and filled with disgust (also helped by the fact that Sandy smelled like raccoon excrement), I was about to return home when I ran across a fantastic discovery.

A Pokemon! In fact, it was one of my favorite Pokemon - a Chikorita! I quickly commanded Sandy, "Go! Attack Chikorita!" in hopes of a quick and easy capture. However, this Chikorita proved to be a very powerful foe indeed! After vine-whipping Sandy into submission 4 times in a row, I was forced to step in and hit it on the head with a big stick. After knocking Chikorita out, I proceeded to go after my next Pokemon.

Almost immediately after, I located a Psyduck. Seeing as how Chikorita was still knocked out (I think it suffered a concussion), I had no choice but to use Sandy once again.

The Psyduck immediately used a confuse attack on Sandy, which made him look the other way when I took the picture above. Fortunately for me, the flash reflected off of Sandy's dog tags, which in turn blinded the Psyduck. Not being able to see, the Psyduck ran into a tree and was quickly captured by yours truly.

4 to go.

I next came across a Pichu, the less-evolved Pikachu. Seeing as how Sandy was totally useless and Chikorita was still knocked out (no pulse!), I was forced to use my newly acquired Psyduck. This was a good choice, as the pent-up aggression that the Psyduck carried due to being forced to travel in a ball 1/4th his size manifested itself well against the Pichu. With a mighty cry of "Psy-yai-yai!" Psyduck pummeled Pichu into the ground.

I got tired, so I went home.

Looking at my newly acquired Pokemon filled me with a sense of pride and a sense of sadness at the same time. Sure, I had three great new Pokemon and was halfway to my goal, but it had taken me all day to get them! I didn't have two whole days to spend trying to save the world! Something had to be done, and it had to be done fast!

Then, suddenly, I heard the voice of Wayne in my head. "Remember the pink bulb," he blurted before fading into obscurity once again. And then I remembered how Matt initially acquired Ivysaur. And I came up with an idea.

I traveled to what is known as "Masquerade Games" in a suburb of Detroit called Eastpointe. I had once heard about this place from an associate of mine, but had never put much credence into his claims. However, I decided to investigate due to the gravity of the situation that I was in.

They claimed to sell "games" and "Japanese Imports." In actuality...

Masquerade Games was involved in the underground trade of selling recaptured Pokemon! The Pokemon gods must have been on my side as they were having a clearance on their diseased and worthless Pokemon. I was about to throw down doo fiddy for 3 sick Magikarp when I remembered the awesome power of Matt's Bulbasaur crew. No, I needed stronger Pokemon.


After browsing around the store for an hour playing with super deformed Final Fantasy toys, I remembered that I had a task at hand. I scoured the store searching desperately for good Pokemon that still fit into my budget. Sadly, I only had doo-fiddy on me at the time and could not afford any worthwile Pokemon. My spirits were shattered until...

Wayne appeared before my eyes! He blurted out a quick statement, "Beat the Claw and victory shall be yours!" I was confused until I turned around and saw...

The Sega Dream Catcher! This wonderful advice would allow me to try and receive the Pokemon (or Digimon) creature of my choice dependent only on my skill with The Claw! It cost a quarter per try, giving me an amazing 10 chances to receive two powerful Pokemon! I was overjoyed and immediately dropped a quarter in.

Sadly, after 10 tries I was still unable to get any decent Pokemon. I went to the ATM, withdrew my life savings, and went back to work. After spending a total of $3,784.99 I finally captured a Mew. Only two to go...but no money left.

I drove back to my house. My energy and life savings depleted, I had no choice but to relinquish the world to Matt.

At the moment in which I started to reconsider the idea of pastels and Corey Haim, the voice came to me again...

"You did well! The remote controlled Wartortle is yours!"

And poof! The remote controlled Wartortle appeared on my table! Just like that! Sure, a water Pokemon would be useless against Matt's plant Pokemon, but that's besides the point. Apparently, my diligence was appreciated by Wayne and he rewarded my determination with an all-new, totally rare Pokemon. I was just about to state my praise for the all-powerful Wayne when the voice spoke again...

"Hah! I tricked you! I'm actually the owner of Masquerade Games in disguise! I've been using telepathy on you in order to fool you into buying stuff from us! I gave you the Wartortle because I felt sorry for you! Thanks for giving us $4,000 of your hard earned money! Gwahahaha! You spoony bard!"

I was appalled. Me, tricked into buying a Pokemon collection, falling for a clever marketing scheme by the owner of Masquerade Games and his sneaky telepathic suggestion tricks. I was now broke and disgusted, my life savings gone - replaced with a bunch of stupid animals I now would be forced to raise and take care of. My only solace was found in this fact:

My Pokemon can kick Matt's Pokemon's asses any day out of the week. Bring it on!

-Aaron
aaron@dotcult.com

I webmaster arrogancy.net, the site where puppets talk and E.T.'s secret Jedi origins are revealed!