Folks, it's a sad, sad day for us all.

I just found out that "The New Addams Family" show for the Fox Family Channel has been cancelled. I can just imagine the sheer terror and disbelief you're all going through right now over this simply amazing show. This was simply the greatest sitcom in history, and judging from it's stellar ratings, I don't think anyone out there could even begin to dispute that claim.

Or..

This show was so god awful, that even the two people who actually watched it called Fox and begged them to take it off the air before they blew their heads off. Readers, I was one of those two people. And I came damn close.

I really watched it out of loyalty. I was a pretty big fan of the Addams Family movies back in the day when I thought the best way to make friends in school was to wear all black and look really sad standing in the corner. Now that time is past and I'm a veritable rainbow of excitement and energy, but still, I hold a special place in my heart for those wacky Addams.

The public announcement about the show: "It is understood that a second season has been deemed unfeasible due to issues of cost. 'The New Addams Family" formed the flagship show of the Fox Family Channel during its relaunch last November. It immediately established itself as the network's highest rating show. A total of 65 episodes were produced by Shavick Entertainment between 1998-1999, at a cost of over $35 million."

Mmm hmm. If this show was the highest rated on the network, then I can only imagine it's only competition was repeats of Don Lapre infomercials. I really can't imagine there being too many people as ignorant as myself to sit through this train wreck.

Issues of cost? Come on. The production budget for my niece's puppet show was at least 12 times that of The New Addams Family. I don't understand why they can't say they cancelled the show because it was simply the worst idea in television history.

Let's take a look at the cast.

Wednesday: Wednesday was important. In the Addams movies, Christina Ricci played a major role. I had a huge crush on her till she turned 18 and I got a good look at her hands. Guys, they aren't hands. They're paws. She should be catching for the Marlins with those things. She has to be the daughter of Fisto from Masters of the Universe. Look at that picture on the left. Christina is a beautiful girl, but I wouldn't want to be arm-wrestling her or anything. I keep trying to tell myself to look past the giant mutant hands, but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't see any feasible purpose for them, unless you've been locked in a room with nothing in it besides walnuts and geodes.

But on the show? Please. Who should have been the cutest character ended up being what appears to be a 4' tall, 40 year old man in drag.

Fester: If Christopher Lloyd was dead, he'd be rolling around in his grave as if he was a slimy basketball. My rabbit could make a better portrayal of Fester than this joker. I don't know the actor's name, and I refuse to look it up. But, I'm pretty sure it's the kid who played 'Cosmo' on those old McDonalds commercials. He's moving up in the world! I don't understand why fast food chains always cast actors and actresses with obesity problems in their commercials. Are they trying to enforce the idea that if you eat their food, you're going to get really really fat? Anyway, Fester was probably the worst part of the show. He was supposed to be the 'comic relief'. The only relief you'd find were the commercial breaks.

Morticia: Morticia is supposed to be a seductress. Angelica Houston made her sexy. The actress they chose to portray Morticia for this show made her appear to be a black tar heroin addict. She didn't look spooky. She looked strung out on crack. She didn't talk like she was from Transylvania or anything, either. She talked like she worked for the post office, whatever that means.

There were others on the cast. But they're not even worth making fun of. The only character they hit remotely close to the mark was Thing. At least they managed to do the silent animated hand correctly. Everything else just bombed.

Anyway, for those somehow interested in this ultimate festival of decadence and opulance, chances are you can still see the reruns. It's good stuff for bulemics who don't want to stick their fingers down their throats to induce vomiting. Other than that, The New Addams Family flunks the test.

Oh yeah, I also uploaded the wacky updated Addams Family theme song they used for the show. Talk about desecration. Check it out by clicking here.

- Matt
matt@x-entertainment.com