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McDonald's Paves The Way For Future Psychopaths
Presented by Matt on 04/06/00

You know, I thought the point of programs and media aimed towards little kids was to help mold them into sane, normal, good-willed members of society. Not raving lunatics. McDonalds feels differently. They hope to warp our nation's youth with visions of the most ridiculous, evil sons'a'bitches you've ever seen. Understanding the characters of McDonalds fame was a nigh-impossibility. They were too fucking odd.

Take Ronald McDonald, for example. The leader. The big cheese. Now, my parents used to yell at me while I was in high school cuz I dressed a little freaky. With a role model like that, how can I be blamed? Ronald was free to roam about society in a fucking clown suit. My parents would buy me happy meals and Ronald McDonald pillow cases. I thought I was doing the right thing. Ronald is teaching the children of this nation to dress like clowns. Kids aren't dyeing their hair pillarbox red and wearing giant red boots because of Marlyn Manson, folks. It's all this fucking clown's fault.

Moving down the ladder, we have Birdie. Now, explain this one to me. Look at her fucking eyes! I've seen less dilation at a squat house. Birdie's obviously hooked on drugs, and her alarmingly high-pitched voice suggests a few 'whippits' on the side. At least Ronald is only telling your children to dress in a way that'll make the jocks and bullies beat them up. Birdie wants your kids to be drug addicts.

Then we have Grimace. What the fuck IS Grimace? Is it a gumdrop? Top of a dick? What?! Grimace is the most esoteric character in history. His name dictates frustration and sadness, yet he's always cheerful. I'd really hate to sit next to this guy at a funeral. He's always smiling and giggling. It'd be really embarassing. And what food was he supposed to represent? The milkshake I guess. Notice how Grimace supports one of the fattiest things on the menu, and he also happens to be the fattest guy on the cast. Yet, he's always smiling and no one seems to care that poor Grimace is *grossly* overweight. That's unhealthy. So while Ronald dresses your kids like pansies and Birdie drops some PCP in their milkshakes, Grimace will make sure they're nice and fat.

The Fry Guys. AKA the McDonalds equivalent of 'special' children. There's nothing stranger than a bunch of pom-poms on rollerskates. There's also no way to explain the significance of it in regard to french fries. Oddly, in the commercials these guys would always disguise themselves as bushes. Very convincing, considering that none of them were green. Oddly, the Fry Guys were the most normal of the whole McDonalds crew.

Next up we have the Chicken McNuggets. No fancy names. These were Chicken McNuggets. Now, understand that Ronald was friends with these guys. And Ronald was telling us all to EAT Chicken McNuggets. Yet, somehow, the 'Nuggets didn't seem to mind. There were commercials of these misguided souls jumping into pools of BBQ sauce, happily prepping themselves for their impending doom. Hidden meaning? Suicide. The McNuggets were McDonalds way of telling you...'hey, if you get dealt a bad hand...cover yourself in sweet'n'sour, pull out a shotgun, and blow your fucking head off'.

Last but not least, we have the most surreal and all-around evil of the characters...The Hamburgler. Firstly, the only thing the fuck can say is 'Robble Robble'. But really fast. Last week I got a tape recorder out and slowed it down..turns out he's actually saying 'Rob & Kill'. Awesome lesson for the kiddies. And what's with his gear? He's like an asshole version of Zorro. But instead of carving a 'Z' on your chest, he'd annoy you by running around like a raving derelict on crack, trying to steal your hamburgers. Sweet.

In closing...parents, keep an eye out on what your kids are watching. Power Rangers and pro-wrestling aren't gonna fuck them up. It's these clowns that are turning our nation's future leaders into crazed lunatics with poor outfits, misinterpreted society roles, and an all-around bad attitude.McDonalds: Beware.

- Matt