These things are altogether kooky.  By the way, I'm going to eat your testicles if you don't mouseover somewhere else.  Fucking retard.

Previous Article - X-Entertainment - Next Article --- By Matt - 7/12/'02


Aurora's Big Frankie model kit gave kids the chance to literally create their very own friend. Unlike most other models, the Frankenstein here was pretty durable, had moveable arms, and wouldn't bust into a million pieces the second a kid touched it. Most importantly, it stood two feet tall! Keeping in mind there were few cartoon/television/movie heroes for children to become obsessed with, monsters really ruled the roost. It wouldn't be the same today, where a kid would view something involving Frankenstein as second rate because he doesn't engulf in witty prose or wear sunglasses. Remember, back then, monsters were cool.

And if monsters were considered cool, no gift could possibly be more impressive than a Frankenstein that often times was waist-high to it's recipient. Here was a toy you could take along on family trips, or on secret missions to steal videos from your father's porn collection. Frank's a titty maniac. Of course, kids back then didn't always have it quite so easy, since Frankie came disassembled and you had to spend an ungodly amount of time better spent eating pies putting him together. I never really had the opportunity to put together a lot of models, but I'd suggest it adds a whole new dimension to the toy, you'd feel more attached to it since you had a hand in making sure it's eyes were painted the right color. The only models I have experience with are the snap-together ones - the kind that didn't need glue. This was mostly because any project I'd come across that required glue by necessity usually ended up in a huge disaster with my left eyelid glued to my shoulder, or in one rare case, a doorknob.

As the child up above creates his Frankie model, he's just bursting with glee. I'll tell you why. It's not because he's such a horror enthusiast - the kid couldn't care less about Frankenstein. But as he sticks the limbs together and dolls his toy up to par, he quietly realizes that he possesses the power of the Ultimate Conversation Piece. An ice breaker like no other. You can see this in action in the second picture up there. No matter what, no matter who's in the room - the talk will never run dry or towards the mundane as long as this kid lugs that stupid giant Frankenstein along with him. He'll never have to worry about someone bringing up a topic he knows nothing about, like ietrophysics or how people in Greenland decorate for Christmas. He now owns the world's first surefire conversational bypass. Whenever his chats take a turn towards something he finds uninteresting or personally insulting, all he has to do is point out that he's holding a 2' Frankenstein. It's not like you can slip right back into a normal talk about the weather after that.

This thing kind of reminds me of those old My Buddy dolls, only I'd assume less little boys were beaten up by their friends for carrying around Big Frankie. I'm really not sure what the target age demographic for My Buddy sales were, but I distinctly remember making fun of five-year-olds who had the thing. Actually, come to think of it, the memory isn't all that distinctive. To be honest, I'm not sure what it means to distinctly remember something. So it wouldn't be right for me to start distinctating all over the place without having all the distinkin' facts first.

The point is, the end result of owning a Big Frankie model figure was pretty much the same as owning a My Buddy doll, only you looked more like a mad doctor and less like a fairy face. Or so the legends go, anyway. The biggest Frankenstein figure I've ever had ranked in at a measly six or seven inches, but still it was one of my favorite toys ever. When I consider all of Big Frankie's twenty-four inches, I can only surmise that he would be around four times more fun. I mean it's gotta be all relative, right? If it wasn't, they wouldn't get away with charging sixteen thousand dollars for it.

Don't even think about trying to pick up one of these guys on the collector's market, either. Unless you're the type who can justify spending almost 200 dollars on a movie monster toy. And hey, maybe you can - this thing would be great lawn decor and it costs less than a full set of Princess Ceramic gnomes.

If we're going by the media equivalent of these toys, Captain Planet would win hands down. Frankenstein may be big, strong, and jade green - but you've got to realize: the Captain can fly! Also, consider the people they chiefly answer to. Frankie takes orders from Dr. Frankenstein, a guy who can't do much other than raising the dead and DIY brain surgery. Captain Planet, on the other hand, takes his orders directly from Gaia herself, the goddess of pretty much everything. Plus, Gaia's voiced by Whoopi Goldberg on the cartoon, and everyone knows she's undefeated in action hero competition. Gaia's also a lot sexier than Dr. Frankenstein, but I'm not sure it matters since it's hard to get it on with planetary spirits.

Since this contest is based solely on which is the cooler toy, I've gotta cast my vote to Big Frankie. He's just got too many uses. He'd be a great door stopper, or an indescribably positive aid in my ongoing quest to make the children cry.


Vincent Price's Stupid Shrunken Head
................................. The Friend Frankenstein Kit
Uncle Fester's Mystery Lightbulb
.............. Yipes! The Scariest Board Game Ever!