 One of the most requested post topics here on X-E has been Mr. T. Why, I'm really not sure. Mr. T never really did much for me. I was more into Baracus. Nonetheless, ever since Mr. T got his own cereal, he's become a staple in many of our lives. Any why not? He's got a grouchy disposition, gold chains, and a mohawk. He just screams 'love me'. And many of us do. And since ol' T is so loved, he was marketed. Now, I think I've uncovered the mystery as to why Mr. T is always in such a bad mood. No, it's not his fading celebrity. Nope, not the hair. It's the fact that the people who chose to make Mr. T products for him chose the most stupid, asinine things you could ever dream possible. Yes, mass merchandising is a given for any pop icon. But Mr. T certainly deserved better than what he got. Some of you are probably scratching your heads right now, wondering just what kind of awful T products hit the market back in the 80s. Maybe you think I'm exaggerating. Well, the pictures will speak for themselves. Mr. T is a victim of poor merchandising contracts, and I'm out to prove it! Read on...but tread carefully.
 Exhibit A: Mr. T Coloring Book Now, if my mother brought this home to me when I was a kid, my father would probably throw a shoe at her head. I don't care how much you want to believe it - Mr. T does NOT look like the type of person you want your kids dreaming about. Let's face it, he looks more like the living sketch from the serial killer postings you can find near any train terminal. Why would any parent choose to buy a coloring book with a scary black man wearing stolen chains on the cover? The parents knew the truth. The 'T' stood for 'Trouble'. Net sales grossed around two bucks total for this endeavor, and as the production of Mr. T coloring books halted, kids everywhere protested that they had no outlet to color what appeared to be a real-life escaped convict.
 Exhibit B: Mr. T My Buddy Doll To capitalize on the success of the My Buddy line of dolls in the 80s, some idiot thought that kids would enjoy it if their dolls had a playmate, and who would be a better candidate than Mr. T! The best part is, the doll looks nothing like Mr T. It just looks like a crazy person. Can you imagine going to stay over your grandmother's for the weekend and bringing this with you? She'd probably call the child welfare department to report your twisted parents. One of the X-E writers here, you guess which one, told me he cut a 1" hole in this doll's pelvic area to use it as a surrogate girlfriend in the mid-80s. Actually, that might've been me, but I'd take far greater pleasure in claiming that Brant used to have sex with a dirty Mr. T doll.
 Exhibit C: Mr. T Costume If you weren't certain how to make sure you were the most idiotic looking person at the Halloween party, buying a Mr. T costume was a pretty safe bed. The costume didn't consist of much more than a plastic smock and some fuzzy black hair. When you put it on, you'd have a hard time deciding if you looked more like Mr. T or a pile of crap. Either way, you had just wasted seven dollars.
 Exhibit D: The Mr. T Action Figure Check out that outfit! It's a transvestite farmer with designer sneakers! It was a rare treat for kids to get a transsexual action figure back in the 80s, let me assure you. The flaming blue feather earrings were the icing on the cake. The Farmer T doll sold even worse than the line of Steve Sanders 90210 dolls, but at least this one could double as a voodoo doll if you had any sexually confused buddies around you needed to get revenge on.
 Exhibit E: Mr. T's 'Be Somebody' Video Rapping, breakdancing, moral values, and Mr. T. One by one, each of those are not without their virtues. But when you put all those combustable elements together, you get quite possibly the worst video ever made. If you can't get a hold of this one to experience the magic, a similar effect can be gained by pouring boiling water on your face while letting a rabit squirrel chew on your genitilia. NOTE: Words don't do this video justice. So I made a special section with Mr. T's words of wisdoms in .wav format. Believe me...this is NOT something you want to miss. I can't even believe some of the shit Mr. T says...when you're done reading this post, I put a link at the bottom to access the special Mr. T'isms section. This might quite possibly be the best thing on the ENTIRE X-E site - so if you skip it, you're *really* missing out.
 Exhibit F: Mr. T Stickers! When you ran out of really horrible bumper stickers to put on your car in order to shame yourself and your family, Mr. T stickers were there to safe the day! The 'Mr. T Is A Tough Man' sticker seems a bit redundant, though. After all, he has a mohawk, and he pities the fools. I personally used these to keep my eyes trapped shut while viewing the video above, so they're not without their purpose.
 Exhibit G: Mr. T Punching Puppet?!?!? I saved the best for last. No, you're not dreaming. What you see there is 100% real. A fucking punching Mr. T puppet. I don't even know where to begin discussing the myriad possibilities for such an item, but let's just say this makes tigers wearing lawn flamingos as slippers seem perfectly normal. A Mr. T punching puppet. Beat that.
 So there you have it. Unsubstanciated proof that Mr. T was screwed by his marketing agents. If T ever makes a comeback, hopefully he'll go into broader, more enticing aspects of merchandising, like Mr. T Herbal Remedies and Mr. T Table Coasters. Until such time, we can only prey for him. And prey we shall.
- Matt | |||