'First 100 callers receive not one, but two copies of our fully illustrated catalog!' 'Call within the next 30 minutes, and we'll reduce the price to just sixteen payments of 39.95!' Things of that sort. They're actually pretty funny to watch. You'll see these half-assed gizmos that are easily obtainable for 10 bucks at any department store shilled like they were created by God himself. It's also amazing to see what these things can do on television. I've seen a lot of these fabulous items in real life...and let me tell you...the air-tight bag sealer couldn't crush a fly much less 36 empty cans of Coke. You've really gotta wonder if anyone's monitoring these things for false advertising.

In my earlier years, I fell for a couple of things. Tony Robbins' CD set was the first one. It's really not that bad. My siblings tell me they're a popular giveaway in the corporate world. You get this box of 24 double-CDs...I lasted through about five of them before accepting the fact that I'm an irresponsible slacker who's destined for lung cancer before hocking them on eBay.

I'm amazed that I actually bought it though. Tony looks like the type of guy who should be cast to play that goonie thing in a remake of Popeye...not someone who should change our lives. It's hard to believe I thought I was in for some life altering techniques from a guy who's teeth could double for piano keys.

The other ploy I fell for was much worse. Don Lapre's Making Money kit. Okay...in third grade, there was this kid named Frank in my class who used to shit his pants all the time. And Don looks *exactly* like him. I should've known not to trust him, but I did.

Don promises you the world...his making money manuals will help you earn hundreds...even thousands of dollars with no start up fee...and no effort!

The truth? I ordered this package. You don't get anything that's going to change your life. What you do get, however, are about ten little manuals that appear to have been written by a five-year-old with the grammatical skill of bread. Each page consists of two paragraphs written in oversized text next to a bunch of poorly drawn sketches of you holding money.

Most of the people who buy this set are only doing so in the hopes that he makes enough money to shut the fuck up. Those of you who have heard the guy know exactly what I'm talking about. He talks to you as if you were out on a ledge about to commit suicide. 'You've gotta order this package and you've gotta start making money and you've gotta make tens of...thousands...of dollars, every week...with my making money package. You gotta!'

Don also shows clips from a movie he starred in that doesn't exist. No, I'm not kidding. To show you his celebrity power, he brings on a 'celebrity' guest, some girl no one on Earth has ever seen. Then he shows clips from the movie that he starred in with her. The movie has no title, and consists of her and Don sitting on the same back porch that you'll see in the informercial as Don's 'house'. Great job.

But my favorite one of all is without a doubt...Ronco. Ronco is the name of the company headed by Ron Popeil, who also stars in the commericials. Among other things, he sells a magical rotisserie oven.

Now, before we even start talking about the item at hand, we've gotta discuss Ron. He's gotta be the meanest guy in history. If you end up in Hell, I'm pretty sure it'll be revealed that Ron was Satan on Earth all along. He looks absolutely villainous. Secondly, he's got this sweet little woman on the set helping him out...Ron goes out of his way to interrupt and ignore her as many times as he can. I'm serious, this poor girl would start a sentence, and the look of sheer disdain on Ron's face could freeze an ocean. Here, check out his mug. Tell me this guy doesn't frighten the shit out of you....

Now, as for the rotisserie itself...yum. I don't know how many redneck Texans are watching Ronco infomercials at 4 AM, but his choice of foods to display are pretty fucking dubious. He's not just cooking chicken and stuff...he's spinning around these disgusting giant horse legs and shit, all dripping blood and juice all over the tables like some electronical slaughterhouse. It's disgusting. I've never seen a cooking show that actually make me lose my appetite before. Ronco accomplished that.

Seriously, watching this was like watching a horror movie. There were about six dozen of these ovens cooking giant animal parts throughout the show.

500.00 value?! Are you insane? How could that stupid thing possible be worth 500 dollars? It's a fucking toaster than spins around.

If you're not fully satisfied, Ron doesn't want you to keep the machine. Yes, Ron offers a full money-back guarantee. He's that confident. Hey, I wouldn't send anything back to Ron. Are you looking at his fucking face? That's the face of a crazed psychopath. Could you imagine what he'd do to you if you had the nerve to send one of his products back to him? Let's see what he has to say about that...

'Just set it...and forget it! I offer an unconditional money-back guarantee on my amazing rotisserie. It's the healthiest way to eat leg of lamb or animal fat. I promise that! The reason I offer the guarantee is because I'm that damn sure you won't be able to live without my fine product once you receive it. However, let's assume for a moment that you do send it back. Well, I'm to assume you're stupid then. And as we all know, stupid people are animal meat. Meaning? I reserve full rights to cook and eat anyone who returns my products. Arrrgh! Grrrr! This is Ron Popeil, signing off!'

Yikes.

And don't even get me started on the old Psychic Friends Network. I fell for that one too. Stupid woman told me I had a good head on my shoulders and that my life would be changing in the next few years. Wow, talk about clairvoyance.

The point? Don't order anything off the television unless it's a Sammy Sosa rookie card. Be dialin' people, be dialin'. The hottest cha-ard on the planet available tonight only, so be dialin' people, be dialin'.