Paddington Bear arrived on the famous "Doodlebug" creature. That's about all Paddington Bear did at the Macy's Parade. Pretty wasted opportunity, if you think about it.

I have no idea how they got Tim Conway to agree to this. Dressed as a farmer complete with strands of hay and a stupid hick accent, Conway's appearance grew stranger once we realized what kind of float he was riding on -- it's the Cabbage Patch Kids float. Conway has to not only introduce these giant spooky kids, but also sing and dance alongside 'em. The CPKs, represented by a horde of misshapen costumed characters with heads the size of golf carts, do more to point out just how creepy the dolls were deep down than serve as a promotional vehicle for Coleco's top seller. They totally feel more like characters from the "Garbage Pail Kids," just without as much blood or snot.

It's unreal -- the song isn't even masquerading as entertainment; it's a complete commercial, with Conway unwittingly lending his voice to something he should've gotten big time royalties for. They run down every one of the Cabbage Patch Kids' personal interests and personality traits -- the only thing missing was a flashing 800 number at the bottom of the screen for Coleco's mail-order department.

Anyway, the song goes on forever and a day, ending only after Conway experiences what looks to be a sudden and dangerous case of the gout. During Thanksgiving in 1984, I'm certain that millions across the nation were very thankful for the gout.

The Cabbage Patch Kids...and Tim Conway? It happened. (8.2 MB)

Of course, Disney had their own float and song number. It was put together flawlessly and played out great, which probably explains why I haven't included a video clip for it. The characters -- in the same kind of costumes you'd see at Disney World -- all dressed festively in Santa hats and Christmas scarves. Hey, they might as well establish themselves as good Catholics -- December was just around the corner.

The costumed versions of Chip and Dale were always my favorite of the Disney characters. Actually, in the very same year as this parade, I made my first pilgrimage to Disney World. You know how the characters will make the rounds at Disney's restaurants during breakfast, saying hello to all of the children? When Chip and Dale dropped by our table, I wouldn't let them leave. For at least 45 minutes. If they tried to scurry away, I cried so terribly and all-encompassing that they had no choice but to return. I had no idea that there were real people in those suits, and only in retrospect can I realize just how much Chip and Dale must have hated me.

But come on -- I even offered them slices of bacon.

As mentioned earlier, it was Donald's 50th birthday bash, so for once, he got to outshine Mickey Mouse. Took fifty god damned years for Donald Duck to finally one-up the guy.

I have a confession to make -- I never got into "Fraggle Rock." Many readers have written in asking for a review, but what can I say? The fad just skipped past me for some reason.

If you liked Fraggle Rock, you'll love this clip. If you didn't like Fraggle Rock, scroll up and watch Tim Conway sell his soul to the devil again.

The mighty puppets of Fraggle Rock get jiggy with it. (4 MB)


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