11/30/2002 Entry: "I was a preteen toy dealer. :O"

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I used to call these dealers daily - I became infatuated with the collectible toy industry at an early age, mostly because I never quite lost my love for Star Wars figures, and after the mid-80s, you could only buy them through these kinds of shops and mail order companies. For the most part, the dealer was more of a hobbyist than a businessman, operating out of his house after getting home from his real job. Some of them had no idea that I was as young as I was, since I was pretty good at faking an older voice. Others who noticed that they were dealing with a kid took some extra time with me, and oddly enough, I've still maintained contact with some of these guys today, well over a decade later.

But this 'catalog' I wrote...jesus. It's four pages of loose-leaf paper with poorly written descriptions and postage rates, and against all better judgment, I think I should show it to you all...

REPLIES: 36 comments

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Chestnuts roasted by As the following picture'll tell you, I felt that I wouldn't be taken seriously without a really neat company name. In later years, I'd adopt 'Star Wares', which wasn't so bad. At this earlier age, the best I could come up with was the 'Star Company.'

This first page was just an introduction; a few mandatory formalities and pleasantries meant to better acquaint myself with any potential 'customers.' Of course, I never actually sold anything, and in truth, only sent these stupid catalogs to three or four people tops, all of whom were dealers who probably got a huge laugh out of it. For whatever reason, I felt the need to explain why I though collecting toys was a nice hobby. Maybe it was self-assurance, I don't know. Whatever the case, the paragraph detailing why one should get into toy collecting is an opus of comedy I only wish I could achieve on purpose today: "I feel this hobby is good, because, when you buy an item, and it becomes a collectible." This whole thing reads like a Jackie Chan interview, with me desperately trying to sound smart and failing miserably, creating page after page of nonsensical drivel that just seemed so perfect at the time. Notice the inclusion of The Star Company's mascot and spokesperson, the 'Toy Knight.' I'm not sure what kind of look I was going for with Toy Knight, but you've gotta admire his roller skates. The flipside of the first page includes information on ordering, and the postage fees. I can't for the life of me make sense of most of it, though I'm proud that I knew enough to mention the 'not my fault if your cash is lost in the mail' rule. I also enjoy the provision that my offers were only good in the continental United States, or as I put it, the 'U.S. connecting states.' I don't think these catalogs went much further than Jersey or Pennsylvania...sending a Luke Skywalker figure to Hawaii should've been the least of my concerns. The catalog itself featured items I owned, as well as some items I didn't own. Sometimes I'd list toys that were currently on clearance at Kay Bee or Toys R'Us, and try to make a profit from 'em. This got me into trouble on occasion - I'd make trades using toys I didn't own yet, and when I went to purchase them, I was saddened to find that they were already sold out. I'd come up with the most hideous excuses as to why I could no longer go through with the trade, saying everything from 'my sister lost the package' to 'my wife and I accidentally spilled paint on the figures.' Now, try as I might, I was still 11 and nobody in their right mind would've thought I could be married after hearing my voice. I'm sure a lot of these dealers thought they were on a phone-version of Candid Camera after talking to me. The final page of this illustrious catalog featured more toys and collectible, and surprisingly, some of them were fairly interesting. Here's a closer look at three of my offerings... C.U.T.I.E. Figures: Made by Mattel, these little figurines sought to capitalize on the success of everyone's favorite flesh-colored wrestlers, the M.U.S.C.L.E. figures. Cuties were far less controversial, though - these were prim and proper girls who baked cakes and did aerobics in an assortment of fluorescent colors. Our old local Lionel Kiddie City was liquidating the four-packs for a quarter each, so I picked up a bunch. I never seemed to find a buyer for the things. Odd. The bright ballerinas and housewives weren't a hit with kids - in fact, they're pretty tough to find nowadays because nobody on the planet bought them. Oh yeah, just so you know: C.U.T.I.E. was an acronym for 'Coolest Ultra Tiny Individuals on Earth.' Knowledge is power. Nintendo Trophies: I really wish I held on to these things, they're actually pretty cool. Window-boxed figurine 'trophies' featuring Nintendo's then-hottest stars, which strangely remain some of their hottest stars today. I only recall them coming in the Super Mario and Zelda varieties. There were a whole bunch with Link fighting off different creatures from Hyrule. The Toys R'Us by me must've stocked ten thousand too many of these things, since for years they were trying to hock 'em off three-for-a-buck. They're still regularly sold on eBay, if you're interested. Just search for 'nintendo trophy.' I'm not sure what you'd actually do with one, but I don't know what to do with giant novelty conch shells either, and I own at least seventeen of those. Shiny As A Droid: I still have this. It's an old Star Wars storybook starring C-3P0 and R2-D2. Each heavy-stock page had a different gimmick - some had popup monsters, others had scratch-and-sniff plants, holograms, pulleys, and so on. As far as activity books go, this was a gold mine. I believe it came out in 1985 in conjunction with the Droids cartoon series, hence why 3P0 is colored in the lame lemon yellow instead of his usual gold. My experiences with these toy dealers was pleasant for the most part, but there were a few exceptions. You might've read my

Hey, hook me up with some rad "Dr. Who" action figures! Do you have Tom Baker and his Super Stranglin' Scarf? Only joking...

I used to have a Nintendo trophy. I got it from Toys 'R Us before it became Toys 'R Us "2000" or whatever and turned the warehouse-like floorplan into isometric, aerodynamic circles (I don't see the point- the place is still full of orphans tearing open boxes, cheap crap, half-eaten Play-Doh and screaming babies). I think my trophy had Link fighting a giant Gohma...

I never made anything like a toy catalog, but being a chick and all, I created something akin to "The Sonic the Hedgehog Fashion Pages", featuring Sonic and pals (mostly from the Saturday morning cartoon series) modeling hot new clothing. I distinctly recall drawing Dr. Robotnik in a very attractive muumuu.

P.S: Well I'll be a greased Jesus, Lionel Kiddy City DID exist! I thought it was all a strange dream...

"Lionel Kiddy City turns a frown... upside down!"

Chestnuts roasted by nuzzles @ 11/30/2002 07:05 PM EST

Still have the Dr. Who figures?

Chestnuts roasted by Starch @ 11/30/2002 07:12 PM EST

I did something like this at about the same age, except I was selling/trading video games. I said the Nintendo was so great "it could even churn the butter". (-:

Chestnuts roasted by God Animagnus @ 11/30/2002 10:57 PM EST

Ok...I have a big box of those C.U.T.I.E. things at my grandma's. I never knew what the hell they were until now. Thanks in a roundabout way.

Chestnuts roasted by TheEdge @ 11/30/2002 10:57 PM EST

Hey, I actually still have one of those trophys with Link fighting a mummy. Anyone want it? I'll part with it for $5. LOL

Chestnuts roasted by Big Will @ 12/01/2002 12:28 AM EST

My sister had C.U.T.I.E.s (Or something like them) I recall doing disturbing things to them with my friends. Things involving thumbtacks, vasaline, Fire and B.B.guns we were fucked up

Chestnuts roasted by Iron Wetback Jesus @ 12/01/2002 12:40 AM EST

Hey, you just found yourself a C.U.T.I.E. buyer! I remember them! *SpongeBob laugh*

Chestnuts roasted by princess of dorkness @ 12/01/2002 12:59 AM EST

Yeah, I used to do weird things like that, too. The sad thing is that I was the oldest child so my mom held on to every scrap of paper I drooled on, and everything comes back to haunt me. Now my youngest sister, she has maybe three pictures of her entire life total. She was a chainsaw juggler and my parents didn't care.

DUDE. I want that Zelda trophy. My brother used to have the Zelda game-n-watch, and he lost it. Those things go for crazy bucks on eBay now.

Chestnuts roasted by Max @ 12/01/2002 01:15 AM EST

Jesus Christ! C.U.T.I.E?? Goddamn you're giving me flashbacks!!!

Chestnuts roasted by Fairmont Grue @ 12/01/2002 01:41 AM EST

Not only is your company's mascot gay, but he's also a Nazi. Notice the hand salute. :0

I hate to break it to you Matt, but your writing hasn't gotten any better.

Just Kidding! :)

Chestnuts roasted by American Vomit @ 12/01/2002 02:44 AM EST

Great Stuff. Keep it up!

Chestnuts roasted by American Vomit @ 12/01/2002 02:52 AM EST

"My brother used to have the Zelda game-n-watch, and he lost it. Those things go for crazy bucks on eBay now."

Too bad for me. I used to have a watch like that, except it was a Mario Bros. watch. I'm not sure if it was an official-type product or not though. Still have no idea how I lost it.

I'm fairly sure I had one or two of those Nintendo Trophies too.

Chestnuts roasted by Username @ 12/01/2002 06:37 AM EST

I remember doing stuff like this. I used to make little signs on my desk at school after I went to wrestling matches telling people they could ask me for the "insider results" of what happened in matches they could have seen on PPV or TV the night before.

I just drew Ninja Turtles all over the signs, for some reason. I guess I figured anything with Ninja Turtles on it would catch people's attention.

I'll probably be telling a shrink about that someday.

Chestnuts roasted by Casey Jones @ 12/01/2002 10:30 AM EST

toy knight needs to be the new x-e mascot!!!
and i still proudly display my zelda and mario trophies. they command respect in ways my frail fists cannot.

Chestnuts roasted by reckless bookmobile driver @ 12/01/2002 11:41 AM EST

You could always try to sell the conch shells as official Lord of the Flies merchandise.
Or not.

Chestnuts roasted by Feral @ 12/01/2002 12:14 PM EST

Looks like u were quite the entreprenuer(excuse me if i killed that spelling)while growing up. The only thing i used to do in my early teens was to take the lunch my mom packed 4 me and sell it. Then use the profit to buy a pack of 50 cent fleer basketball cards.(which 11 years later,can fetch me a nice chunk of change)I would also sell my lunch tickets.Except for the friday one.That was pizza day.

Chestnuts roasted by onimusha @ 12/01/2002 12:33 PM EST

not exactly the same thing, but back in elementary school a bunch of friends and i were in the trading card business. every day, we'd go to lunch with our binders full of marvel trading cards and make a quick buck. maybe it was because i was young and a couple measly dollars felt like a lot of money, but i remember being able to buy my own ninja turtle figures from then on...at least until the rat bastard of a principal shut us down.

Chestnuts roasted by theriothero @ 12/01/2002 12:37 PM EST

I believe you spelled it as "....because when you by an item..."

Even more comedy gold!

Chestnuts roasted by bunnymud @ 12/01/2002 04:23 PM EST

Speaking of Nintendo trophies (ehh... sort of) I work at Victoria's Secret and we have a plastic Mario at our wrap desk that turned up in one of the fitting rooms, and has since been adopted as our store mascot. Something about the little guy just seems lucky.

Chestnuts roasted by Welsh Rabbit @ 12/01/2002 04:45 PM EST

Oh and I remember something similar i used to do like this article that might make you chuckle. When I was about 5 or 6 I would take Basebll cards and sign their names on them and try to pass them off to my local card store as an Autographed card. The only thing I really regret was when Mark Mcguire was setting the record for homeruns I remembered that one of the cards i had written on and got rid of was his rookie card. Poor me :(

Chestnuts roasted by Big Will @ 12/01/2002 08:45 PM EST

Man, I still have those Dick Tracy characters carded. I'm thinking of trading them for crack...ed wheat. *cough* Yeah. Wheat. Cracked.

I used to have schemes like that, and I'm sure I did the catalog at one time or another. A few friends and I were really good at the custom maze business, though. We'd draw up these elaborate mazes with dragons and shiznizzle in them and then sell them for a quarter or so to the other kids. This wasn't in the 30's either, which makes it seem kind of bizarre to me now. Must be because it was Montana...

Chestnuts roasted by Kris "Mmmbop" Hanson @ 12/01/2002 11:10 PM EST

When I was in third grade my parents put together my second best birthday party ever. It was a Nintendo party! We had *two* NES's set up (one was borrowed from my uncle) AND a Gameboy. It was a contest to see who could rack up the most points to earn crappy party favors. We all got a Zelda or Mario trophey, but the kid with the highest score chose first and so on.

Chestnuts roasted by BBBD @ 12/02/2002 01:49 AM EST

Are you telling me that my never-been-opened original Millenium Falcon is worth something? And what's this e-bay thing anyhow...

Actually, after recently buying a bigger house, my mother just showed up with crates of my old stuff. Such as the entire GI Joe comic collection (plus many, many others), a hearty Star Wars toy collection (including the Millenium Falcon), and boxes (I mean lots) of RPG books (1st edition DND - hell, I've got multiples). Thank GOD she hasn't figured e-bay out or she'd be driving a new car...

Chestnuts roasted by XP Ranger @ 12/02/2002 10:56 AM EST

Ha, I mostly only read the first page. I remember drawing superheroes in my youth and they all had rollerskates. I think kids all think that superheroes would have an easier time getting around on rollerskates. Or maybe they just look sharp.

Chestnuts roasted by Scott @ 12/02/2002 04:47 PM EST

It is evident that the death of Dale Earnhardt Sr. was no accident. I suspect foul play. When his "car" crashed into the "wall", I almost laughed aloud at the childish coverup presented by NASCAR officials. The man was murdered. He was straight up gangster rap assasinated. Not by gangster rappers though, but by the very inbred hillbillies who enjoy the sight of cars going in circles.

Chestnuts roasted by Tanuki @ 12/02/2002 04:52 PM EST

I like that the Dr. Who figures were on sale. Like this was a newer edition of your bi-weekly handwritten catalog.

Chestnuts roasted by Thomas Bombadil @ 12/02/2002 11:06 PM EST

All these 80's style flashbacks are great...people say I only enjoy hearing about things from the 80's cause that's when I was born....but i don't think that's true cause you'd never catch me wearing bell-bottoms even if it were the style - hell nah.

Chestnuts roasted by Joshua @ 12/03/2002 03:25 PM EST

You are please to not be making the fun out of my English. Fucktard.

Chestnuts roasted by Jackie Chan @ 12/03/2002 03:45 PM EST

You know. I made a Dark Crystal activity book as well as a Ghostbusters activity book complete with UPC's. LOL

And that leads me to remember the counterfeit money I was making out of construction paper. My mom didn't want to buy me a bearenstein bears activity book. I had tears in my eyes as i wrote out "5.99" in each corner of the bill with a stick figure george washington in the center.

Darn you Matt! for opening old wounds!

Why don't you just catalog everything in those boxes and sell them on your website? I would take a lot if I knew what I was buying.

Chestnuts roasted by Neshoba @ 12/04/2002 02:37 PM EST

So, let me get this right. Moltar from Space Ghost has a gay, Nazi brother named Toy Knight? Ye Gods man!

Chestnuts roasted by The Infinite One @ 12/05/2002 05:06 AM EST

Why did it never occur to me at age 11 that my stupid action figures were actually worth hard cash? Dammit. Curse my parents and their 'Lets ask him if we can throw all this old crap away while he's stuck on the last level of Sonic the Hedgehog and is completely oblivious to everything thats going around him' tactic. There more sly than I give them credit for.

Chestnuts roasted by shortround_wsm @ 12/05/2002 07:24 AM EST

There's a store in town that still sells those damn c.u.t.i.e. things. once they had karate kid pins. they had the coolest rug, too. it had a scene with two kickboxers fighting. it was a giant area rug. you'd have a field day in that place. also, it's right next to a casket store. an honest to god casket store. we don't have many of those in jacksonville.

Chestnuts roasted by sarah @ 12/05/2002 01:19 PM EST

I'm almost 30, and I still have a bunch of toys that I had when I was 10. Unfortunately they're worth about as much today as they were then (jack shit!). I'm feeling entrepreneurial! Anybody want a '57 Chevy matchbox with the left door ripped off? Best Offer!

Chestnuts roasted by The God of All Media @ 12/05/2002 04:53 PM EST

"You know. I made a Dark Crystal activity book as well as a Ghostbusters activity book complete with UPC's. LOL"

A friend of mine actually made a mini-activity book for Robotech, and a few other shows. We all used to make comics by folding few pieces of paper. My friend's stuff was real good while mine...let's not get into that here. Nice to know some things are universal.

"Too bad for me. I used to have a watch like that, except it was a Mario Bros. watch. I'm not sure if it was an official-type product or not though. Still have no idea how I lost it."

I still have mine, but I never replaced the battery. Pretty lame, actually; just Mario jumping, but something to do to pass the time when the family conversations were boring or you just felt unattached at the party.

Chestnuts roasted by ShadowWing: the technorganic Autobot @ 12/06/2002 09:50 PM EST

Upon some research, i found out there was different statues! There was also a couple from "Punch-Out!!!" See here
http://www.atarihq.com/tsr/other/trophy.html

Chestnuts roasted by Tutsuro @ 12/07/2002 07:26 AM EST