REPLIES: 91 comments
That was awesome! Better than the soul-stealing bit too: Photog as a mischievous blackmailing lone wolf scoundrel. Mattel so missed out. Of course this means that in ten years we're going to learn some really weird shit about Brian McCabe...
Chestnuts roasted by Horatio @ 06/04/2003 12:16 AM EST
I have to say, that was pretty damn clever. Even included Hordak! Just needed Modulok to truly be perfect (although I don't know how).
I especially like the mercenary spin on Photog. Instead of just a good guy, he'll sell out anyone doing anything. Very Bitner.
Chestnuts roasted by Sean @ 06/04/2003 12:32 AM EST
lol yup that definitely deserves the win :) poops all over my entry lol
Chestnuts roasted by Kiften @ 06/04/2003 12:41 AM EST
This just goes to show you...nothing can compete with Teela's tits.
Awesome job, McCabe, and congratulations! Now stay away from the hookers and you'll do fine.
Chestnuts roasted by Jeremy Henderson @ 06/04/2003 01:27 AM EST
that damn thing left me Breathless i cant Tell you how funny that damn thing is Man X-entertainment Classic there. damn you for make Piss my pant Damn you
Chestnuts roasted by CheebaSmoker @ 06/04/2003 01:32 AM EST
BLOG? Does anybody know what kinda application Matt is using for this blog?
I'm looking to add a blog to one of my sites but can't find anyplace to really download a decent blog app (most of what I'm finding are places that want to host it for you). It may not help any that I'm also on a Windows server and would it would probably need to be in asp format (if it matters, as far as I know my server doesn't support perl).
Chestnuts roasted by photocdclub.com @ 06/04/2003 03:37 AM EST
Oh and terrific strip! Brian McCabe if you're reading this I have an idea for a cartoon/comic strip, the character designs and story bible have already mostly been done, even a rough theme song has been made, if you'd be interested hit me back at info@dallashiphop.com
Chestnuts roasted by photocdclub.com @ 06/04/2003 03:39 AM EST
Congrats McCabe. Funny, funny, funny and kudos for using the 80s theme. On a side note, I love Easter Eggs....Follow the rabbit into Hell and see your future.
Chestnuts roasted by Liquidduck @ 06/04/2003 05:03 AM EST
hell is scarier than i ever would have imagined it...
and i better have made the top 10, dammit!
it's all i have left... *single tear*
Chestnuts roasted by evin @ 06/04/2003 05:45 AM EST
Uncle.
(and that's awesome)
Lego, figure, and Real-life photogs....
We are a strange bunch, yes?
and please tell me the seizure graphic that Matt put on "go to hell" link was an entry. THat would be fantastic.
Chestnuts roasted by OhGodtheRats @ 06/04/2003 06:11 AM EST
ROFLMAO!
that was really really good.
Chestnuts roasted by gundam2000 @ 06/04/2003 07:05 AM EST
Holy shit, don't stop when you go to Hell. Click through the pictures!
Chestnuts roasted by Receipt Bot @ 06/04/2003 07:51 AM EST
Fantastic entry! Mine sucks, stupid mspaint.
Hell, is awesome!
Chestnuts roasted by Tessie @ 06/04/2003 08:20 AM EST
McCabe: Kudos & congratulations! That was pretty funny stuff.
Matt: Hell...you really are insane. Your level of insanity impresses even me. Kudos to you too.
Evin: Good luck making the top 10! We're rooting for you, little feller.
Congrats again, McCabe. Photog shall rise again!
Chestnuts roasted by Wes @ 06/04/2003 08:58 AM EST
No. I really didn't need that.
Chestnuts roasted by OhGodtheRats @ 06/04/2003 10:20 AM EST
Jesus Christ.
After you finish click through hell, try going to http://www.x-entertainment.com/updates/pics/photog-contest/hell/yes.html . I don't even know what to say.
Chestnuts roasted by Master H @ 06/04/2003 10:26 AM EST
Master H, What the fuck was that?
Chestnuts roasted by J-Dog @ 06/04/2003 10:39 AM EST
is anyone else having trouble reading the really really small dialogue of the strip? It LOOKS funny..but I really can't make out a damn word. I clicked to enlarge but it isn't any bigger.
I blame Bitner.
Chestnuts roasted by Candice @ 06/04/2003 11:01 AM EST
oh, and I tried
http://www.x-entertainment.com/updates/pics/photog-contest/hell/no.html
just for fun...
Chestnuts roasted by Candice @ 06/04/2003 11:02 AM EST
Candice - after you click to enlarge, hold your mouse pointer over the image until you see a box pop up. That'll enlarge it. It took me a few days to notice that when I switched to XP.
Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 06/04/2003 11:07 AM EST
I click to enlarge, and the new window opens, and if I maximize the box the picture is bigger, but the words are so pixilated that I can't read them.
Chestnuts roasted by Candice @ 06/04/2003 11:08 AM EST
nevermind. I'm the biggest idiot ever. thanks matt!
Chestnuts roasted by Candice @ 06/04/2003 11:10 AM EST
Hmmm - are you using IE? (sometimes ISP-based browsers make all web images look fuzzy...don't ever try to view this site on AOL ;)
Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 06/04/2003 11:10 AM EST
Problem solved woot woot!
Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 06/04/2003 11:10 AM EST
yeah I'm at school now and its amazing how much nicer this site looks..like the rollover "take me home" and stuff..at home I've got aol and half the time the page wont even load.
Chestnuts roasted by Candice @ 06/04/2003 11:13 AM EST
Mmm, sturgeon. . .
Oh no, wait -- mmm, Teela's tits. How could they not have a hand in making me the evil girl-homersexual I am today? Think Jerry Falwell knows about how MOTU whips Tinky Winky's ass on the conversion scale?
Yeah, anyway -- Yay McCabe! Yay Bitner! Boo Mattel! Yay Skeletor pulling a Larry Wachowski! (And Yay Trinity's tits! while we're at it).
Can't wait to see the runner-ups. Who, in the event that Photog cannot perform his voyeur duties, will. . .etc.
Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 06/04/2003 11:15 AM EST
Yea, nothing can top Brian's entry. Well done Brian.
I agree with Tessie when I say "damn MS paint!!!" I am REALLY embarrssed with my entry now. Hopefully, it won't be shown...but if it is, I'd like to let everybody know that I spent a whole 20 minutes on it and didn't deserve anything anyway.
Chestnuts roasted by nialler @ 06/04/2003 11:23 AM EST
Don't worry about the MS Paint entries - that's all I was really asking for anyway. Most of the entries were like that.
I'm just now looking over the next batch - it's amazing stuff. Wait till you see the Lego figure.
A few people sent in pictures of customs, but there's a small problem there since I can't verify if the people who sent 'em actually made 'em. Either way, they're damn good.
Someone even claims to have made a MOVIE for the contest, so I'll try to get it from him before the next batch goes up.
Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 06/04/2003 11:27 AM EST
wow. awesome work McCabe!
Matt, this hell thing really has me worried about you. What kind of fruit was that anyway? Weird stuff.
Chestnuts roasted by wack0 @ 06/04/2003 11:30 AM EST
That was a Chinese apple, also known as the pompegrananananeteio. Spelled just like that. I took the pics months ago for an article that never came to be, so it ended up in Hell alongside the upside-down graveyard and dead goblin sharks.
Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 06/04/2003 11:31 AM EST
haha that was awesome! Can't wait to see the runners up.
Chestnuts roasted by LioConvoy @ 06/04/2003 11:57 AM EST
Great choice, Matt. That's the kind of comic I wanted with my toys. I can't wait to see the runner-ups.
Chestnuts roasted by Bigshow71 @ 06/04/2003 12:02 PM EST
BTW, I thought it was cool how Hordak threw Photog in the slime chamber, is there any chance Mattel will make a new Slime Chamber for the new MOTU line?
Chestnuts roasted by LioConvoy @ 06/04/2003 12:03 PM EST
Lio - it's already done! :) The new Slime Pit debuted at this year's Toy Fair, though I'm not entirely sure when it'll hit the stores. Might already be out, who knows?
It looks GREAT, by the way. The Four Horsemen continue to be aces.
Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 06/04/2003 12:09 PM EST
Hey Matt, will you be putting up all the entries like those Zootopia thingamajiggies?
Chestnuts roasted by Kiften @ 06/04/2003 12:27 PM EST
Darnit, not zootopia hehe...you know the whole "animals made from two other animals" thingies :)
Chestnuts roasted by Kiften @ 06/04/2003 12:28 PM EST
Wuzzles :)
I'd like to, but I remember all too well the amount of time to put together that one Wuzzles contest index.
Maybe I'll get 'em all up on here, and then work on a page listing everyone's entries in a more organized format.
They're certainly too good to just bury in the Blog archives.
Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 06/04/2003 12:31 PM EST
Wow, I can't imagine another entry being better drawn or funnier...
Three Classic lines:
Ram Man give me the good stuff.
Who's the prettiest girl in Eternia...ha ha you both are!(sounds like something Adam would say)
Those prissy rich bastards up on the hill...I had never thought about it that way, but I guess He-man is part of the bourgeoisie.
Good job McCabe, teh winnar is you! Now stay away from hookers and blow.
Chestnuts roasted by whitemale_98 @ 06/04/2003 12:40 PM EST
Cool! anyone have any pics of the new slime pit?
Chestnuts roasted by LioConvoy @ 06/04/2003 12:44 PM EST
My Photog Movie sucks absolute sac (I ended up just taking some of the stills from the 23-second clip as my entry) and it is too big--but anyone have any clues on how to compress a video clip/trim it down?
My God. It represents my shame. If other people have to share theirs I guess I'll share mine.
Oh and Matt the Wuzzle contest was awesome. Me and My friends have a running "Gorito" gag.
Chestnuts roasted by OhGodtheRats @ 06/04/2003 01:01 PM EST
Hey, here is the new slime pit:
http://207.44.182.109/photo/1/showphoto.php?photo=2349&papass=&sort=1&thecat=532
http://207.44.182.109/photo/1/showphoto.php?photo=2348&papass=&sort=1&thecat=532
It looks a little different than the original. But still really cool
Chestnuts roasted by Sean @ 06/04/2003 01:01 PM EST
Tight work McCabe. I bet Bitners ears are ringing. Or nose is itching. Balls sagging? Whatever, maybe this is what it will take to get his attention!
Congrats!
Chestnuts roasted by Cyn @ 06/04/2003 01:45 PM EST
Oh, wow.
This is the best drink of water after the longest drought of my life.
This moment is so much bigger than me. This moment is for Mark Borchard and Mike Schank, Wesley Willis, Corey Haim. For Lou Scheimer and Hal Sutherland. It’s for the nerds and geeks that stand beside me, Chris Dahlberg, Eric Mayse, Jim Preziosi, Eric Treadaway. And it's for every nameless, faceless late-night internet lurker that now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened.
I would like to thank Matt for the honor and the opportunity, for the continued inspiration his words and work brings me. X-entertainment -- a great site and a vital and adrenalized contributor to the art form.
I'd also like to thank my Mum, who I just don't thank enough I suppose.
But really folks, you know, I owe this to one bloke and his name is Nathan Bitner.
You know, when you grow up in the suburbs of San Diego or New Jersey, or Naperville like Nathan… or the suburbs of anywhere, you know a dream like this seems kind of vaguely ludicrous and completely unobtainable.
But this moment is directly connected to those childhood imaginings.
And for anybody who's on the downside of advantage and relying purely on courage… it's possible.
God bless you all, God have mercy on us all, and God bless America.
Thanks very much.
Chestnuts roasted by Brian McCabe @ 06/04/2003 02:06 PM EST
That was beautiful McCabe. *wipes tear from eye* I'm gonna read that bit about dreams and courage to the blighty tomatoes in my garden and hope the bastards perk up.
Seriously though, congrats! My favourite bit (next to my homererotic lust for Teela's tits, o' course) and getting to finally witness Bitner's creation in action was Prince Adam's "HA HA HA!" Silly, I know, but it rang so true that I instantly formed a visual of the ubiquitous Eternian laugh with requisite throwing back of the head. It's the strip that animates itself! Also, great She-Ra and toy line crossovers. Oh, also; I can't imagine Evil Lyn having any other expression on her face with Skeletor in that position. Also -- oh screw, it; let's just say the whole thing was great. I've written theses about literature that's less tight and well-crafted than Secrets of Eternia.
Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 06/04/2003 02:34 PM EST
Ha ha ha! That's f'ing hilarious. I don't know the last time I laughed that hard. Everyone at work is giving me weird looks. Thank you all.
Chestnuts roasted by Bansheex @ 06/04/2003 03:05 PM EST
That is some good stuff. Can't wait to see the others.
Chestnuts roasted by Goggles Pizano @ 06/04/2003 03:14 PM EST
Personally - I'd like to see a Monstard figure. That was just inspired :)
Chestnuts roasted by Sparky @ 06/04/2003 03:16 PM EST
McCabe, you are awesome. Amazing art, amazing dialog, and ultra-amazing acceptance speech. You are the picture of grace and poise.
As last week progressed, my entry grew bigger and more elaborate...in my head. Cue Sunday, 1 p.m. where I pull my hair out trying to rush an entry before it's too late. Yes, it simple, yes, it's MSPaint, but I think it captures the quiet dignity that Photog (and Nathan) were robbed of. Good luck to everyone!
Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 06/04/2003 03:20 PM EST
Hell was confusing, especially when, while in hell, I learned about caviar. I didn't know that there would be caviar in hell. The pomegranate was odd enough...and being an English major, I'm really tempted to read a bunch of symbolism into that whole visual tirade. I'll refrain.
Chestnuts roasted by BeatPoet @ 06/04/2003 04:00 PM EST
Sorry BeatPoet I'll call that bluff....
I need to see that broken down, via psycho analysis or from a literary point of view.
Dissect Hell for me, by all means.
(I'm sure Matt would love to hear about your findings too)
Chestnuts roasted by OhGodtheRats @ 06/04/2003 04:54 PM EST
are pomegranates supposed to look all gross and moldy?
Chestnuts roasted by evin @ 06/04/2003 06:11 PM EST
If only Bitner was here right now to share in my joy of reading that comic.
I can hardly wait for the "the second stringer" entries
(By the way Matt, you should've convinced Brainwave Billy Stafford to do an entry. He coulda' been runner-up again. :P)
Chestnuts roasted by Jason Sullivan @ 06/04/2003 08:17 PM EST
Brian McCabe...you did a really great job!
I only hope you don't turn out like Nathan Bitner. Not that being Bitner is a bad thing...or is it?
Hm...
Seriously, I loved the comic.
Chestnuts roasted by Denise @ 06/04/2003 10:23 PM EST
Anyone else think Adam should be voiced by Patrick Warburton?
Oh, and Matt - to find Mr. Bitner, you should hold a contest, to see who can little up N. Bitner in phone books and find the guy. See if he's dead or not. You know, like a mystery! :)
Chestnuts roasted by Melanie @ 06/04/2003 11:20 PM EST
I LOVE IT! that's the funniest comic I've seen FOREVER! and now, about hell....I'm afraid I'm very rusty on my symbolism, in fact the only thing I really recognized was the pomegranite, I hate pomegranite's, but that's not the point. I reminded me of a Greek story, (I think it was persephani?) Where the daughter of the goddess of summer/fertility/growing was kidnapped by hades. durring that time all plants died, and it was winter. they finnally found out hades had kidnapped her, and she could come out of hell, only if she had not eaten anything there. (she had fasted/hunger struck) but eventually ate some pomegranite seeds, therefore half ther year she's out of hell, spring summer. and half she's in hell. fall/winter. I hate chicken.
Chestnuts roasted by brandon @ 06/04/2003 11:20 PM EST
I must be destined to lose every contest I ever enter. The bias against pencil art continues.
Congrats to the winner
Chestnuts roasted by KtuluCJ77 @ 06/04/2003 11:39 PM EST
Hahahaha that's great! Now to click an unlabled link at the end of the paragraph....ahhhh!!! My god, it's horrible! Dammit Matt, warn us before you post Bitner all over the place! Oh wait, I guess you did, hmm, I'm still not content.
Chestnuts roasted by Black Zarak! @ 06/05/2003 02:04 AM EST
Wait, why did I put an exclamation mark after my name on that last post? And on another level, anyone find that Teela strangely attractive? Well, not that strangely, it is Teela after all....ok, I'll shutup now.
Chestnuts roasted by Black Zarak @ 06/05/2003 02:06 AM EST
That's fantastic! Great job Brian! You even got a cameo apperance by that Rollercoaster-like castle-thing! So...uh, yeah! I'd spew out some more praise but I can't get the image of that dead goblin shark out of my head. I didn't even know them things existed! Damn, they's uglah! Lookit:
http://www.amonline.net.au/fishes/fishfacts/fish/mowstoni.htm
Chestnuts roasted by SpitDuck @ 06/05/2003 04:12 AM EST
For the person who asked about video compression, try downloading "Dr Divx" from www.divx.com ... it seems the easiest to use, you can point it at your video file and tell it what file size a divx you want it to make...
Chestnuts roasted by Torias @ 06/05/2003 04:45 AM EST
I'm a notoriously sore loser and it's an extremely bitter-ass pill to swallow, but that comic strip completely owned my two entries.
Congraturation. A winner is you.
Am I bitner? Just a little.
Chestnuts roasted by Kev @ 06/05/2003 06:01 AM EST
Crotch Rocket. BWA-HAHAHAHAHA!
Chestnuts roasted by Kev @ 06/05/2003 06:11 AM EST
Thanks for the Info Torias...I got Window Media Encoder per Matt's advice but the more options the better.
It weird what they don't teach you in school.
But yes, the shame is on its way, I'm sure.
Chestnuts roasted by OhGodtheRats @ 06/05/2003 06:12 AM EST
By any chance was the crotch rocket inspired by Orgazmo??
"COOOOOCK ROOOCKET!!!!"
-Broman
Chestnuts roasted by Broman @ 06/05/2003 07:11 AM EST
Hey, just a question, what the hell is that thing in the tirp to hell? It's after the grave, it looks like a cross between a venus flytrap, and those plant zombies from Resident Evil 2. Any help would be great, Matt.
Chestnuts roasted by Bansheex @ 06/05/2003 04:46 PM EST
Goblin Shark.(dead)
look it up on google.
Its amazing.
(per Matt a bunch of posts up)
Chestnuts roasted by OhGodtheRats @ 06/05/2003 04:50 PM EST
I loved the comic! I showed my MOTU fans in my office it and they laughed. I think I should make a crotch-rocket lego guy next :-D
Chestnuts roasted by Spiffy McKracken (aka Shane M Bryan) @ 06/05/2003 06:22 PM EST
LOL! That was funny as hell!!!
Chestnuts roasted by demonlord6696 @ 06/06/2003 01:15 AM EST
How exactly does blackmail work in Eternia? Wouldn't that necessitate there actually being some other people in Eternia besides Prince Adam and his entourage of action figure heros and palace staff and Skeletor and his entourage of action figure villains and Snake Montain staff... well, yes, I do recall that, very occasionally, you saw a villager or two, but, most of the time, whenever He-Man or Skeletor were out piloting their vehicle of choice, it was just the same little bit of scenery in the background, usually the desert with those Wile E. Coyote cliff thingies, scolling over and over for hundreds of miles.
Chestnuts roasted by Steve Brandon @ 06/06/2003 05:19 PM EST
I usually don't post on the blog, but i got to say something.
Tela's boobies are messing me up, man. You don't even actually see them, and i'm still all feeling like i stepped out of a washing machine.
I first knew i was a hertosexual male when i got into Tela on MOTU. Your first flame burns the longest, i guess.
I do take a small amount of comfort in thinking that of all the MOTU guys, short and stumpy Ram-Man was always the one i identified with the most.
Chestnuts roasted by JohnnyCasino @ 06/06/2003 08:22 PM EST
Poor orko! I still think he's adorable
Chestnuts roasted by Maxx @ 06/06/2003 09:21 PM EST
Your Guide to Blackmail in Eternia
You have your He-Man groupies and you have your Skeletor groupies.
Let's say a He-Man groupie gets caught doing something "bad." Like, say, Queen Marlena decides that she wants to straddle Ram Man too. And she gets caught. Then she gets banished from her circle of beloved He-Man groupies — by an embittered Randor (and possibly He-Man, ‘cause he knows his secret longings are incestuous, but no one else does, after all, right?) — and she can only take refuge with Skeletor groupies and has to listen to Beast Man whinge and moan all day. Or, say, Stratos gets caught pouring sugar into the Battle Ram's gas tank or feeding Cringer laxatives. He also only has the hostile Skeletor groupies to run too, and now, is at the bottom of the heap when it comes to getting some Evil Lyn loving since, up until now, she's only felt enmity towards him, and, besides — though we all know that she really wants a nice, stable guy deep down — she has to keep up the appearance of being a Bad Girl who dates Bad Boys (i.e. not He-Man groupies).
Now, let's say a Skeletor groupie gets caught doing something "bad." Like, say, Evil Lyn decides that she wants to see if Man-E-Faces has one that can do anything for her. And she gets caught. Then she gets banished from her circle of beloved Skeletor groupies — by an embittered Skeletor — and she can only take refuge with He-Man groupies and has to listen to Man-At-Arms fume and drone all day. Or, say, Trap Jaw gets caught graffiti tagging Snake Mountain with "Skeletor is a Limp Fuck"-type tags. He also only has the hostile He-Man groupies to run too, and now, is at the bottom of the heap when it comes to getting some Teela loving since, up until now, she's only felt enmity towards him, and, besides — though we all know that she really wants a bad, hard-livin'-rough-lovin' guy deep down — she has to keep up the appearance of being a Good Girl who dates Good Boys (i.e. not Skeletor groupies who (in this case) probably give really rough, nasty oral).
So even with only two main groups, there are consequences to be meted out. Frankly, I'm surprised that there weren't more cloak-and-dagger murders in Eternia. Which is actually exactly why Photog met his doom — he was too good at what he did, and dangerous in anyone's hands.
That's my theory, anyway.
Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 06/07/2003 11:44 AM EST
Goddamn brilliant sociology, Molten
Chestnuts roasted by Brian McCabe @ 06/07/2003 03:41 PM EST
Molten that's amazing.
On a complete side note...
We had our "Black and Blue Fetish Ball" last night. Mostly leather and costume stuff.
Two amazing things: One. Someone showed up in a full out He-Man costume. I don't know if it was intentional but he had the boots, the furry diaper/w/belt thing, and the chest straps. It made me want to cry.
Isn't there a character in MOTU that has big feathers/wings hanging from his arms and a heavy helmet/flight goggles? I was trying to spot any other MOTU references if I could (the SHe-Ra bra with there).
Could I call the midget anything other than Orko?
:sigh: Website infecting my brain.
Its just weird realizing how Fetishy MotU is when its in your face like that.
Chestnuts roasted by Ohgodtherats @ 06/08/2003 08:24 AM EST
I love the strip, very creative, very funny. Only one problem: TEELA IS COVERING HER TITS WITH HER HANDS! I really wanted to see nipples. :(
Chestnuts roasted by private dick @ 06/11/2003 02:29 PM EST
Hehehehehe... I am now secretly hidding. It'll take weeks, maybe even months before people notice I'm here, plotting my evil... um, plots. Nobody checks these old blogs anymore. No one can touch! HAHAHAHAHAHAOUGHDFSAQ.
Now, what to do?
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 09/10/2003 03:36 PM EST
After much thinking, I've decided to post a script I wrote. Because I can:
Characters:
Romeo- Hopeless romantic in love with Juliet, who is a member of the family Romeo’s family has grown to hate.
Hamlet- Nephew to the present king and son of the deceased one. Has just learned that his uncle killed his father.
Brutis- Conspirator against Julius Caesar.
Portia- Woman who can’t seem to get hitched because of the tests for suitors that her father came up with.
Bartender- The guy who serves the drinks.
Body:
(We open up to an empty bar. The Bartender cleans a mug as he waits for new customers. Finally, the door opens, and Romeo walks in, looking depressed, and sits down.)
Bartender: Ah, Master Montague. The usual?
Romeo: Something a bit stronger this time, Bill.
Bartender: Right away.
(Bartender goes off to get the drink. The door opens, and in walks Hamlet, looking depressed, and sits down next to Romeo. The Bartender returns with Romeo’s drink and sees his new customer.)
Bartender: Why, Hamlet! Don’t see you here much often. How are things with Claudius?
Hamlet: Ask me later, Bill. Just get me what he’s having. (Points to Romeo.)
Bartender: Right away, sir! (Goes off to get the drink. Romeo looks at Hamlet.)
Romeo: For a rich kid, you sure looked depressed. Almost as depressed as I am. What’s up?
Hamlet: You’re Romeo, right? Well, let’s just say I’ve got ghosts in my closet… Or on my castle’s platform.
Romeo: That’s skeletons in your closet.
Hamlet: Whatever.
(The Bartender comes back with Hamlet’s drink. Walks to the other side of the bar, out of scene.)
Hamlet: If you must know, I have just found reason to believe that my father…
Romeo: King Claudius?
Hamlet: No, no, no! Don’t you keep with the times? That’s my uncle. My father was the King before him, Hamlet.
Romeo: You were king before your uncle?
Hamlet: No, Hamlet was the name of my father.
Romeo: But I thought your name was Hamlet.
Hamlet: It is!
Romeo: You’re your own father?
Hamlet: NO! I’m Hamlet Jr. My dad was Hamlet Sr. Got it?
Romeo: Yeah, yeah, I got it now. What about him?
Hamlet: I just found out that he was murdered.
Romeo: By whom?
Hamlet: By none other then my uncle Claudius.
Romeo: No way!
Hamlet: Way. Stuck some stuff in his ear, was out like a light. You and I, and some guys I know know about this. I’ve got to do something. Will you help me?
Romeo: Sorry, can’t. (Takes a swig of his drink) I’ve got some other matters to deal with.
Hamlet: Yeah, and what’s that?
Romeo: Love
Hamlet (Looks to the audience): It always is.
(The door opens again and in walks Brutis, looking depressed, and sits down. The Bartender walks over.)
Bartender: Brutis, welcome! What can I get you? How’s Caesar?
Brutis: Um… He’s…. Ok. A little obnoxious, but otherwise fine. Not dead or things like that. Get me something strong… What these two are having.
Bartender: Right away!
(Bartender walks off. Hamlet turns to Brutis.)
Hamlet: You have connections with Caesar, right? Maybe you can help me with some… politics.
Brutis: I just deal with the stuff going on in Rome. Denmark ain’t my field.
Hamlet: Just tell me this. Say you needed to assassinate a king…
Brutis: WHO TOLD YOU!?!
Hamlet: Who told me what?
Brutis: You mean you don’t know. Oh, forget I said that then. (A brief pause.)
Romeo: Want to hear about my problems?
Brutis: Later.
(The Bartender walks back with Brutis’ drink.)
Hamlet: Anyway, I need to do something about this guy, but I don’t know how about doing it.
Brutis: Is he, despite his good nature, likely to ruin the empire completely, which I am not getting this thought from my good friend Caesar.
Hamlet: No, he’s just all-around evil.
Brutis: Humiliate him with a bunch of clowns.
(Hamlet thinks this over.)
Hamlet: Hmm… Hmm… Hmm… Not bad.
(The door opens, startles Hamlet.)
Hamlet (changing the subject): So how’s Caeser?
(Portia walks in, looking depressed, and sits down next to Brutis, the last remaining seat. Bartender walks up to her.)
Bartender: Greetings, Miss Portia. What can I do for you?
Portia: Just a bowl of peanuts, please.
(Bartender dives under the counter and pulls out the bowl, laying it in front of Portia. She takes one and starts chewing on it slowly.
Brutis: Caesar? Well, he’s doing Ok, but I’m afraid all this fame has gone to his head. I mean, he’s a great guy and all, but I don’t think he’ll make Rome a happier place for the people and things like that.
(Romeo looks over to Portia, then back at his drink, then back at Portia. Portia takes notice and giggles.)
Portia: Love problems?
Romeo: Yeah.
Portia (Turns to the audience): It always is. (Turns to Romeo) Who is she?
Romeo: Only the fairest lady I ever put eyes upon… Juliet.
(Hamlet coughs on his drink.)
Hamlet: Juliet? As in Juliet Capulet? Don’t the Capulets and the Montagues hate each other?
Romeo: Unfortunatly, yeah.
Hamlet: Well, buddy, don’t know what to tell ya, other then it probably won’t work. Move on before you get killed. Or poisoned in the ear.
Brutis: I prefer stabbing, if I have to kill someone myself.
Portia: Well, whatever you do, Romeo, don’t move on to another girl. Another girl might not come? Marry this girl, in secret if you have to, then slowly make peace among the families. Best way to go about it.
Romeo: You sure?
Portia: One hundred percent risk free. Someone might end up with a bruise here or there, but I assure you, it’ll turn out alright. Be grateful that you have a woman.
Brutis: You sound like an expert in such matters. You have a boyfriend?
Portia: Sadly, no. My dad sort of controls that area. He’s come up with this really irritating system… Suitors come in, they have to pick the right box out of three. Kind of a stupid idea, really, but what can I do? I’m a woman in the Victoria period. I have no say in the matter.
Hamlet: So no winners yet, eh?
Portia: Nope. There was this one guy, Bassanio. Now he was a hunk a man. But he screwed up. Now I have the Prince of Morocco in line. Kind of empty in the head, if you know what I mean. Bet he’ll choose the gold casket. They always choose the gold casket. If you guys ever decide to give it a shot, just remember: It’s never the gold casket. (Over to Romeo) It’s the lead one, Romeo. If Juliet doesn’t work out…
(Romeo gets up.)
Romeo: Well, Portia, I wish you luck. Thank you so much for the suggestion. It helps a lot. Now, I must be going now. Good-bye, Portia… Hamlet… Brutis…
Brutis: You didn’t hear anything. I’m not gonna kill anyone!
(The rest wave as Romeo puts some money on the counter and leaves. Hamlet gets up.)
Hamlet: Yes, I better be leaving too. Gotta hitch a ride with Horatio. Thanks for the ideas, Brutis.
(Hamlet leaves his money and leaves. Brutis and Portia get up.)
Portia: You’re Brutis, aren’t you? Friend of Caesar?
Brutis: I don’t plan to kill him!
Portia: I didn’t say you were…
(Both leave their money and exit. A second passes, and Portia runs back in and grabs her peanut bowl and leaves again. The Bartender collects the money and walks over to a sign in the front of the stage that says OPEN.)
Bartender: Not bad ideas… Not bad ideas at all…
(He flips the sign over. It reads WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE’S PUB – CLOSED. Bartender (William) walks to the door.)
Bartender: Need to fix up the style, of course…
(He exits.)
The End
Notes:
-Romeo is from “Romeo and Juliet”
-Hamlet is from “Hamlet”
-Brutis is from “Julius Caesar”
-Portia is from “Merchant of Venice”
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 09/11/2003 12:06 AM EST
I think I'll do a dance now.
Dooodooodeeedooodeeoadaooo.
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 09/11/2003 03:18 PM EST
Hehehehe. I love having my own private thread. It's like having my own very bedroom in X-Entertainment.
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 09/11/2003 08:04 PM EST
Hehehehehe.
Three days and I remain uncaught. I could probably draw this out for a very, very long time. I wonder if Matt knows I'm here. Years down the road, some X-E newbie will be going through the blogs and unleash my secret. By then, I'll probably be as mysterious as Bitner himself.
Heheheheheh.
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 09/14/2003 01:31 AM EST
Ha! Another 16 days, and i remain unnoticed. I am invisble. I am invicable. I need a spell check.
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 10/01/2003 03:13 PM EST
As the ultimate ruler of this thread... I'll tell a joke.
What is the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
One goes "WHACK! Damn!", the other "Damn! WHACK!"
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 10/16/2003 03:18 PM EST
OOOOOOH, I've got too much time on my hands. Clap. Clap. Clap. Too much time on my hands.
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 11/07/2003 01:28 AM EST
Mr. Mr. Mr., That was beautiful.
Chestnuts roasted by Stilewalker @ 01/07/2004 11:14 AM EST
AGGG! I'VE BEEN DISCOVERED! RUN RUN RUN!
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 01/28/2004 09:58 PM EST
HA! Now I have found you too, and its been months, I will be the last to post HA
Chestnuts roasted by qwerti @ 10/05/2004 11:55 AM EST
HA! Now I have found you too, and its been months, I will be the last to post HA
Chestnuts roasted by qwerti @ 10/05/2004 11:56 AM EST
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Chestnuts roasted by sleeping pills @ 10/29/2004 06:48 AM EST
