06/17/2003 Entry: "toitles :o"

Today's article will be up later today, otherwise it'd be tomorrow's article. Until then, there's turtles above you and turtles below you. Up north, a giant snapping turtle we saved from peril over the weekend. Stupid thing thought it was capable of crossing the street without getting run over. Silly, silly turtle. Granted, this was in the country, on a road where cars pass at a rate of one per decade. Still, this was a pretty slow god damned turtle. For those who haven't seen snappers up close -- they've got enormous heads, and a powerful jaw that can just about rip your fingers clear off. To skirt around the potential dangers of picking this devil up, we dragged him across the street with a net. It was a double bonus: not only did we save the turtle, but we got to fuck around with it as well. Down south, the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles '3-D Trading Cards,' which are 500 times cooler than the package suggests. Okay, it's more like 300 times.

Chestnuts roasted by Teddy Ray @ 06/17/2003 10:53 AM EST

I was going to comment on the turtles, but then Hulk fucking attacked me.

Chestnuts roasted by Eric @ 06/17/2003 11:09 AM EST

Ah, Batman cereal. I'm a little younger then Matt's taget auidence, but I remember this stuff very well. My parents never bought it, I just saw the shit in my friend's kitchen. He also had the Batman bank in his room, right next to his collection of Smurf figures.

You know, that turtle looks like an exact carbon copy of my own turtle, expect mines ten times smaller and won't kill you. We named it Roadkill, which is kind of ironic with Matt's story.

Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 06/17/2003 01:36 PM EST

hooray for 800th article! i know nothing about batman cereal, but if its as tasty as you say matt, then i can only hope they bring it back when [not if] they make the next sequel.

Chestnuts roasted by candice @ 06/17/2003 01:57 PM EST

The Batman cereal was worse than Cap'n Crunch anyday. Its like soving a red hot corn-meal cactus in your mouth, only less funny to watch when your friends do it.

Chestnuts roasted by The Ponderer @ 06/17/2003 02:07 PM EST

I remember the Batman cereal, and I thought it was damn good. Speaking of gimmick cereals, does anyone remember how awful the Adams Family one was?

Chestnuts roasted by Rob @ 06/17/2003 02:31 PM EST

I remember going down the cereal aisle and seeing all the usual crap and stack upon stack of those chic Batman boxes. Like a big wall of Batman. Anyway, I probably would have loved it because I liked Honeycombs, Cap'n Crunch and Raisin Bran.

A snapping turtle once bit me on the finger when I was a very little girl and apparently I howled my lungs out. I don't remember it, but my mom tells the story every time we're out in public and a child starts crying: "You NEVER cried when you were a baby. I can LITERALLY count on one hand the number of times you cried, EVER: the first such incident was when a snapping turtle bit you on the finger..." I don't know whether to be embarrassed that my mom tells everyone how I didn't cry, or proud of my own stoic-ass baby self. (I do have deep feelings for others; I have normal-people sex that doesn't involve shrunken heads; I don't play with razor blades or matches; and feel no special connection to Crispin Glover as an adult, by the way). Anyway, I have no fear of turtles now: spiders, on the other hand, who've never even done anything to me... *shudder*

I love that last pic of the turtle: he looks like he should have a packet of cigarettes rolled up into his sleeve. "Thanks! Crossin' the street is a bitch, yo. It's hell when I'm coming back from the bar on the other side and I'm crazy drunk."

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 06/17/2003 02:33 PM EST

Weird 3D cards... I still like the new show, though.
Weird badass toitle... Never seen a toitle like that before.
Weird toitle-saving net... I think I need some sleep, cause that net first looked like a very generous bra to me.

Chestnuts roasted by Roddy @ 06/17/2003 03:54 PM EST

First off, those Turtle cards look like Zcards, which certainly kick ass. Specially the new Marvel ones. :) Secondly, Molten, your posts crack me up. And it's not at all because I'm picturing lesbian sex while reading them. :D lmao
Go get ZCards!

Chestnuts roasted by Kiften @ 06/17/2003 04:59 PM EST

Snapping turtles CAN bite your finger clean off, so you were smart to play it safe there, Matt.

One of the acts I'm most ashamed of...as an 8 year old I threw my cousin's turtle like a discus confident it's shell would protect it from any harm. It hit a tree and promptly died, and I felt horrible for months after. Sometimes I'd just think about it and start crying (no joke, I really thought I was a horrible person).

Chestnuts roasted by Jeremy Henderson @ 06/17/2003 06:08 PM EST

Way to go Matt. Most people would have just left that ugly old turtle to its fate. You are my hero!

Chestnuts roasted by Kookie @ 06/17/2003 06:52 PM EST

Remember kids never leave home without your patented XE brand toitle rescue net!

Chestnuts roasted by Gozer @ 06/17/2003 09:11 PM EST

I live in the Newark, DE area.. I was reading The News Journal which had an article about Garbage Pail Kids cards in it (which i loved as a kid). Then just recently I stumbled onto your website. tonite I was searching around and found that your website is the one featured in The News Journal. I was rather excited about that fact. Snapping turtles are quite nasty. You should have tested it's strength with a twig. they are tenacious buggers. :)

Chestnuts roasted by maeven79 @ 06/17/2003 10:47 PM EST

just a couple of weeks ago there was a goddamn snapping turtle in the road near my house. there's a swamp there. this turtle was smaller than the one in these pics, but it managed to block the narrow road nonetheless. trying to get around it would have involved sinking half the car into the swamp.

so i got out and tried to pursuade the bloody thing to cross the rest of the way cuz it seemed perfectly content in sitting in the middle of the street looking at me.

i nudged it with my shoe and hollered at it (can turtles even hear?) and eventually he moved far enough out of the middle of the road so that i could pass. the end

great story, eh? P:

Chestnuts roasted by zann @ 06/17/2003 10:57 PM EST

I don't think we have snappin' turtles here in Michigan. In fact, the only ones I've seen outside of a zoo or a classroom are up north, where they have these big-ass turtles that are of the non-snapping variety. One of 'em crawled into the place where we were camping one time when I was a kid. It had a face that looked exactly like E.T.'s.

Chestnuts roasted by MangoJonMonkeyBoy @ 06/18/2003 12:58 AM EST

Whoa. I remember that god-awful Batman cereal. I was about five when the movie came out, and I was obsessed with everything Batman related. Batman Underoos, Batman halloween costumes, Batman Pez Dispensers.

Then, one fateful Wednesday night, my parents came home with the U.S.S. Flagg-sized box of Batman Cereal. I wanted a bowl of it as soon as they were done packing everything away. I took a spoonful of it...and it was terrible. I couldn't even finish the rest of the bowl. I was so disillusioned that my Batman fanaticism died that day.

After a few days of letting the box sit in the cupboard, my mom decided to throw some of it out the window for the birds. Even they wouldn't eat it. The birds who flew off with it actually brought it back. Damn you Ralston.

How could they create both the worst cereal (Batman), and the best cereal (Pacman) ever made?

Chestnuts roasted by Moai Ou @ 06/18/2003 01:36 AM EST

Thanks Matt. I now have an evil turtle looking at me as my wallpaper. Evil turtles rock. All hail Slash.

Chestnuts roasted by Big Will @ 06/18/2003 01:49 AM EST

There is one stretch of road near me that toads love to chill on when it rains. I hate it when it rains because I always have to stop and chase the toads off the road, and that takes forever. Toads are some stubbern pricks when it comes to moving them, you almost have to literally kick some of them. Stubborn bastards.

Chestnuts roasted by mindsuckr @ 06/18/2003 02:00 AM EST

I still gotta go with Ghostbusters as best cereal ever.

Breakfast hasnt been the same since it went away..

Chestnuts roasted by Bloodcat @ 06/18/2003 02:53 AM EST

Dude made my week. I htought i was the only one who remembered that shit. I love this site

Chestnuts roasted by finegreen @ 06/18/2003 02:43 PM EST

Hey, Matt, you really should have kept the turtle, and mutated it. You could have had your very own Tokka. Heh, mutant turtles in a lame sequel with Vanilla Ice. Plus, you could have hit it in the head with an exhaust pipe, and laugh at it. By the way, I'm now making the "Official X-E Snapping Turtle Rescue Net Bra" You want a cut of the action?

Chestnuts roasted by Bansheex @ 06/18/2003 03:23 PM EST

Thanks Kiften, but now I'm gonna depress everyone who reads this post with my version of Jeremy Henderson's story. My cousin and I were playing by this road-side pond back home once when he found a big toitle. He picked it up by the shell and we were looking it over when it started making the most godawful noise I'd probably heard to that point. So I squealed like...well, like the little girl I was -- and in response my cousin tossed it into the pond. Now, certain toitles can swim and certain toitles can't and this one couldn't, but it was a deep pond and neither of us could swim so the turtle sank and died. I still feel shitty about it fifteen years later. If only I'd had a patented X-E Turtle Rescue Net Bra! >:[

Isn't X-E great? Uniting us in mirth, nostalgia, lust, bitner and traumatic childhood events.

Anyway, long story short, I've been extra nice to toitles since: when I babysit my friends' I always bring them the freshest greens from the farmer's market and shit. Guilty complex, you think?

minsuckr -- on the same stretch of road where the toitle died, there are ducks and beavers that love to waddle around. It's like that episode of The Simpsons where Homer's waiting to get his gun and the shooting-gallery temptations keep going by. People actually have to stop their cars and wait for them to cross because they WILL NOT be shooed. Little thugs.

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 06/18/2003 05:02 PM EST

Bloodcat, i too was a huge fan of the Ghostbusters cereal. I even had a game that went with it...I'd close my eyes before scooping up each sponful. If a ghose marshmallow was the last piece in the bowl, the ghosts won. If a red circle thingy was the last piece, the Ghostbusters won.

Since they took that cereal off the market, breakfast has been a lifeless, oppressive experience for me.

Chestnuts roasted by Jeremy Henderson @ 06/18/2003 07:04 PM EST

Matt, oh knower of all that is oddball and interesting, in the late 80's/ early 90's, there were these plastic cards, about the thickness of a cd case, and they all did different things. Some had pop-out action figures (Mine was a skeleton knight thing) some were tiny Nerf guns, still others launched those little helicopter blade thingies. What the hell WERE those things? It's drivin' me nuts!

Chestnuts roasted by Bansheex @ 06/19/2003 09:50 PM EST

Ahh snapping turtles are great. Whenever my I am forced to watch my younger siblings swim around the dock I throw a rock in the water and shout "Oh my God a snapping turtle get the hell out if you like your toes" acting really scared so they would all scramble to get the hell out of the water screaming. Ah you need to see the looks on there faces everytime I do that. Little kids are great.

Chestnuts roasted by Geek @ 06/20/2003 02:48 AM EST

I had an interesting encounter with a similar (and similarly stupid) breed of turtles about two years ago, on my way to a class in college. My college was in the middle of the the New Jersey Pine Barrens, surrounding a large, man-made lake called Lake Fred. (The origins of Lake Fred is a long-running gag in my college.) The main school is on one side, the apartments on the other. In the middle, I found a poor turtle caught in fisherman's twine. I stood as far away from him as I could and still untwist the rope from his flipper. I went to class with a lighter heart, knowing I did my good deed for the year without losing important fingers or being late to class.

Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 08/20/2003 10:06 PM EST

I just found a baby turtle in my pond. I think its a snapper and it may have come from a small creek behind my house during the floods. I'm afraid it will eat my fish when it gets big enough. What should I do with it???
Thanks,
Sherry

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