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08/08/2003 Entry: "New Article: Oreo Madness! Plus: The Staples Story."

Well, it's finally happened. Nabisco's gone plum crazy. Take a trip to the grocery store, and bask in the holy glow of 62,000 new varieties of Oreo cookies, ranging from "Mint & Creme" to "Football," yes, "Football." It's a mad, mad world. Mad, mad worlds have many, many Oreos.

I had to make copies of some of my stuff from the Delaware paper at Staples today, and Jesus Christ, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Now, we've got a way more local pharmacy with a five-cent copy machine, but I headed there in the hopes that they could give me some better quality copies. Not so -- all they had was the same kind of shitty, regular copiers. After waiting on a line that was longer than the line to get into Phantom Menace on opening night, I was surprised to find that three of the five copy machines flat out didn't work. Thing was, they seemed to stop working the second I approached them. Everyone insisted that they "just worked fine." Now here was my dilemma...

You know the story with the print column I do -- it's basically the same kinda stuff you see on X-E. So I'm sitting there trying to hide this pile of "C-3P0'S CEREAL" and "THE TRANSFORMERS POWER CYCLE" articles from the prying public eye, because I definitely didn't need that social anti-feather on my cap in addition to stubble and a black shirt that was currently white with cat hair. But...I required assistance if I was to complete my task of making copies. One of the workers there suggested that she give it a shot. I hesitated. I couldn't bring myself to let her see that I was photocopying articles about "THE TRANSFORMERS POWER CYCLE" and "C-3P0's CEREAL." With the way I was acting, the poor woman had to suspect that I was either trying to replicate a bomb formula or pictures of old lady puddy. Finally, I grabbed the one article that didn't seem completely geeky -- about Crystal Pepsi -- and halfheartedly handed it over. I thought the horror was done with, but no, no no no, not yet.

"Shirley, look at this! Remember this?! It's Crystal Pepsi! Remember that? The soda that was clear?! Oh my oh my I haven't seen this in years!"

Within moments, the 240 people shopping at Staples stopped dead in their tracks and stared towards the copy section -- or more specifically, me. Now come on, I'm a webmaster -- by natural law, I'm also an agoraphobic. Under the intensity of the stares and the GOD DAMNED WOMAN'S INCESSANT CRIES ABOUT CRYSTAL PEPSI, I started feeling shingles growing while my heart went into a strange spasm that caused me to rock, ever so slightly, to and fro, like a complete retard in a cat-hair-covered T-shirt. All of this couldn't have lasted more than a minute, but it felt like ten years. Ten years of Staples Hell and Crystal Pepsi torment.

Fortunately, she didn't put two and two together by realizing that I wrote them, which assumedly would've opened Pandora's Box like never before. I finally got my copies, and after paying the two buck tab, headed back to my car with my tail between my legs. BUT...

I left my keys inside. On the checkout counter. In front of everyone. WITH A PLASTIC "BULBASAUR" POKEMON FIGURAL KEYCHAIN ATTACHED.

What can I say? I'm meant to live all alone in a log cabin in Utah. Dunno if Utah has log cabins, but it'll please me to build the first.

REPLIES: 54 comments

i ate two of those big oreos once when i was a kid and it made me so sick i projectile vomited across the span of the bathroom

Chestnuts roasted by danny @ 08/08/2003 01:07 AM EST

Holy crap, I definitely was not expecting what I saw when I clicked into that slideshow thing. Good show. :)

Chestnuts roasted by Phantom @ 08/08/2003 01:23 AM EST

Matt, your story is a lesson for us all--when in doubt, go with the really out-there stuff. I doubt the Staples lady would have been yelling to Shirley about C3PO's cereal (although that WOULD be even funnier). So instead of a whole store of confused, staring people, it would have been the bemused look of just one obviously insane person. The latter is preferable on quantity alone.

And I'm sure there are log cabins in Utah. But I'm sure yours would be the first with a collection of Bulbasaurs and MOTU arms for Skeletor.

Chestnuts roasted by Sean @ 08/08/2003 01:29 AM EST

I'm not familiar with those big stuf oreos but I do love those ice cream ones.. look about the same but with a tasty oreo ice creamy filling.. I think I remember a long time ago there used to be multi colored oreos too.. but maybe I'm making that up..

Chestnuts roasted by Toxicity- @ 08/08/2003 01:51 AM EST

aww Matt u just need to take some repressitall and remember YOU ARE A GOD, gods are not meant to mingle with the common crystal pepsi staples folk :p...hehe I luv oreos...damn I havent had one in like a few years...I need to go to Wal Mart...NOW lol...

Chestnuts roasted by Katie @ 08/08/2003 02:05 AM EST

HEHE matt you poor thing. By the way i got some screamin tangoreen or whatever the fuck its called. and i have to agree it is exatly ecto cooler.

Chestnuts roasted by Jared @ 08/08/2003 02:12 AM EST

Matt,
Every story you tell is genius, even if heartbreaking. I love you.

Hehe.

The Bulbasaur part sure took the cake.

Chestnuts roasted by Kristina no-clever-nickname @ 08/08/2003 02:20 AM EST

I told matt I wasn't going to blog over AIM but I changed my mind and he's on now if you want to need to talk to him.

*hint hint* matt ;)

Chestnuts roasted by pikachulover @ 08/08/2003 02:28 AM EST

Damn without this site I would never fully remember my lost childhood.

Chestnuts roasted by Eric @ 08/08/2003 02:29 AM EST

Haha, good ol' Crystal Pepsi. I finally got ahold of an unopened bottle on eBay (I had to settle for Diet Crystal Pepsi), so the plans for my little movie are on back on track.

Matt, was this Crystal Pepsi article the same one in the XE archives?

Chestnuts roasted by MG @ 08/08/2003 02:52 AM EST

Saddest. Story. EVER.

Chestnuts roasted by Melanie @ 08/08/2003 03:40 AM EST

Big Stuf Oreo...

Are they still around? If they aren't, I would KILL for one.

Chestnuts roasted by BaronKrusha @ 08/08/2003 04:03 AM EST

Good aricle on Oreos, I always admired the fact that Nabisco rarely tried to do a 1000 versions of their best seller but these new ones are pretty tasty so it's not like they sold out, yes cookies can sell out look at Chips A'hoy.
Two questions A)Why didn't you cover the chocolat dipped oreos and their white chocolat counter parts? and B)With regards too the 50/50 creme spread isn't it possible that they dispersed it at an angle? Your Staples story only furthers my opinion that those who can remember such frivolous details (let's be honest, they are, not that there's isn't a noble quality) are doomed to live out their lives with only a small circle of friends while the rest of the world can only scratch their heads at our somewhat odd taste, and thats probably a good thing.
This is completely off topic but have you ever reviewed Flight of the Navigator (great movie and it had "I Get Around") probably the greatest live action Disney movie ever and a big factor in my interest in zoology. Also have you done a review of Police Squad!, lasted only six episodes but damned if it isn't hilarious. Great line ' "Who are you and how'd you get in?" "I'm a locksmith and...I'm a locksmith." '

Chestnuts roasted by Happnin' Mojo @ 08/08/2003 05:04 AM EST

A tribute to The Young Ones might be nice too.

Chestnuts roasted by Happnin' Mojo @ 08/08/2003 06:59 AM EST

"the young ones" with rik mayall, and ade edmonsopn?" they kick arse.

bottom was great as well. i loved those 2 in the stuff they did, but was it ever on in america?

Your story was funny matt, did yoiu go back to your apartment without the keys? or go back and get them?

have you ever been recognised in public by a fan?

Chestnuts roasted by 'tin man @ 08/08/2003 07:04 AM EST

You said tit.

I have pikachu on my keychain.

Crystal Pepsi.....what was the world going to?

Chestnuts roasted by Shirley @ 08/08/2003 07:59 AM EST

Dear Lord..the slide show...couldnt'...be...funnier....

I'm still laughing over here.

Chestnuts roasted by Cyn @ 08/08/2003 08:15 AM EST

This update would mean more to me if I'd ever eaten one. Hell I don't think I've even been in the same country as an Oreo. *sad face*

Chestnuts roasted by Bobney @ 08/08/2003 09:10 AM EST

I must agree with Sean's assessment regarding going with the freak.

Also, Matt, you should have gone to the pharmacy so that the clerks could have loudly asked for a price check on your lubricated, ribbed-for-her-pleasure condoms. Then you could have explained into the mic to all the other shocked, staring customers that there's nothing wrong with responsible adults purchasing responsible adult things to protect them during responsible adult good times while your two friends -- who happen to be in their twilight years and about to head out on a luuuurve cruise -- edged out of the door, leaving you to your humiliation. Has The Golden Girls taught you nothing, my friend? ;)

Chestnuts roasted by Molten @ 08/08/2003 09:26 AM EST

I agree ... what ever happened to the Big Stuf Oreo? Makes my mouth water just remembering how insanely good those big boys were. Insert Homer Simpson sound effect here. Yeah.

Chestnuts roasted by TLC @ 08/08/2003 10:18 AM EST

Hey, man, New York is way awesomer than Utah. Don't ever say that.

Chestnuts roasted by Steve @ 08/08/2003 10:45 AM EST

I swear to all powers that those chocolate/peanut butter creme thngs are heaven-sent. And I'm an athiest.

Chestnuts roasted by Capt. Cid @ 08/08/2003 11:45 AM EST

I feel your pain matt, so sorry about your bulbasaur fiasco. I once painted a teal platapus (spelled that wrong probably...it was a really well done platapus at that) on my note book and the shame hit me before the first day of school even started. Then school started and no one cared. Stupid high school.

In short...dont worry about your pokemon key chains and such because mean fat people get stuck in desk (as opposed to nice fat people gliding in and out of their desk quite nicely) and you can always grab your junk, yell "heres your bulbasaur", and shake it at whoever laughs at you.

The End

Chestnuts roasted by kennef @ 08/08/2003 11:48 AM EST

"Conventional wisdom suggests that I shouldn't have put tit on last, but whaddya gonna do?"

Chestnuts roasted by kennef...again...sorry @ 08/08/2003 12:06 PM EST

Matt,
I sympathize with your Staples story. When I was a college student majoring in art, I had to make several trips to Staples, Kinko's and other high priced copy stores where things don't work right and the staff gives you a hard time. I remember (and this is swear on Mr. Rogers' grave true), I went to one copy place where I wanted to duplicate a picture of Tim Curry from Rocky Horror for an art project (I tried to sneak him in as the subject matter as much as possible) only to be turned away because the picture was "copyrighted material". Gee, I didn't know Staples or choose your favorite copy place could be sued by 20th Century Fox for helping out a college student. Sheesh.

Chestnuts roasted by Melissa Y. @ 08/08/2003 01:55 PM EST

I don't remember what Crystal Pepsi tasted like, but I remember feeling very sick afterward.

As for the always pleasant agoraphobic's nightmare scenario #7717345-31... well, um... there's always alcohol.

Chestnuts roasted by Orin @ 08/08/2003 02:32 PM EST

Matt, having once lived in Utah, I don't recommend it. In a log cabin, you'd burn up faster then a Roman Candle. This is coming from expirence.

Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 08/08/2003 02:34 PM EST

Here is the non-porn origin of those G.I. Joe PSAs:
http://www.heavengallery.com/fenslerfilms/

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 08/08/2003 02:55 PM EST

ok so the glorious Big Stuf is gone forever... but i venture to say we have a reasonable substitute in the Klondike Oreo Bar. it's about half the size of the Big Stuf, but HOLY GUMDROPS IS IT DEE-LISH~!!! and guaranteed to make you just as fat.

that slideshow depicts the process very well...i guess :P

Chestnuts roasted by zann @ 08/08/2003 02:57 PM EST

Found this through the GI Joe link:

www.markdenardo.com
Music made on a gameboy. Discover the latest sounds of the original gameboy, Mark DeNardo.

Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 08/08/2003 03:05 PM EST

Don't be fooled by packaging, Coffee Creme oreos are ACTUALLY Waffles & Syrup flavored. It's all a lie! A big delicious lie!

Chestnuts roasted by David @ 08/08/2003 03:40 PM EST

Aww! That's fantastically cute! Go Matt.

Chestnuts roasted by evin @ 08/08/2003 05:19 PM EST

gahahahhaha..that slide show was great...hahahahhha...patrick duffy fan convention...gahahahahahaa...

Im afraid ive never experienced the Big Stuff Oreo...

Must have Ecto..................... *twitch*

Chestnuts roasted by heeloyd @ 08/08/2003 06:04 PM EST

How would you be alone, I thought you had a girlfriend?...or yea, nevermind. Very cute story, sad, but funny.

Chestnuts roasted by Captin Me ^_^ @ 08/08/2003 11:54 PM EST

I don't recall ever seeing the Oreo Big Stuffs in Montreal (the biggest Oreos I think I've ever eaten are the ice cream sandwiches), but I certainly do remember seeing the commercial a few times a day during the afterschool Hasbro/Sunbow/Marvel Productions cartoons on WVNY-22 from Burlington VT.

"Mr. Big Stuff!
Who do you think you are?
OREO Big Stuff!"

Also, what's the difference between the chocolate creme Oreos (not the Uh-Ohs Oreos) and Fudgee-Os?

Chestnuts roasted by Steve Brandon @ 08/09/2003 01:57 AM EST

Matt,
Your tale of embarrassment and photocopying intrigue was entertaining to say the least.

Your running XE has encouraged myself to be more 'out there' with my Blog. A Blog that I don�t use to whine at the world, but to bring a laugh or two to it�s readers.

True, you must sacrifice both your time and dignity for we readers of XE. --but by doing so you've brought an tremendous amount of joy and happiness to my life and others.
Thanks Matt,
-Blayne
http://www.deadjournal.com/users/durandal/

Chestnuts roasted by ernie@bungie.org @ 08/09/2003 02:48 PM EST

Oh my god......you brought up Giggles cookies. I loved those, they have to be the most obscure food known to man. I didn't think anyone but myself remembered or knew about them. XE forever.

Chestnuts roasted by Meat @ 08/09/2003 05:54 PM EST

Maybe someone should make a list of all the various kinds of Oreos ever made... (and with my luck, someone probably has. This IS the internet, after all.)

Chestnuts roasted by Tonic @ 08/10/2003 05:42 AM EST

Those new oreos are awesome. At the used bookstore where I work we loved the coffee & cream ones so much we wrote a letter to Nabisco about it. Only, we turned it into a betting pool to see whether we would get a coupon for free cookies. We did, and the losers had to donate money to buy even more cookies.

Sugar is the only thing that makes my job bearable some days.

Chestnuts roasted by Kit @ 08/10/2003 06:13 PM EST

I once dropped my house key at school--and do you know what paraphenalia I have attached to it? (I don't have keys with a keychain, I have keychains with a key.) A light-up Mewtwo, a beanbag Golden Snitch, a small rubber Link, and a pocket dictionary. Hellooooo, Pocket of a Geek a la Femme.

Chestnuts roasted by Freezair @ 08/11/2003 02:14 PM EST

p.s. I think the Uh-Oh oreos suck.

Chestnuts roasted by Kit @ 08/12/2003 12:13 AM EST

"Oreo" is a palindrome in Japanese.

Chestnuts roasted by Scott M. @ 08/15/2003 12:45 PM EST

Matt, I work in a grocery store, and I swear, you can smell the darn Mint n'Cream Oreos from two miles away. (Not a hard thing to do in the store I work in - it's the size of a very narrow closet.) Take them out of the package, and they're overwhelming, kind of like someone let mint tea boil for three hours. Overwhelming...but so good. They were the last cookies I treated myself to before I swore off anything with cream filling in order to not need new clothes. If Oreo is going to keep making good stuff like this, I say bring it on!

Oh, and I remember those Big Oreos, too. Wanted to try one but never did. Like most limited time items, they weren't around for long in South Jersey.

Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 08/16/2003 08:48 PM EST

I don't know if anyone else has ever heard of these. At some junk food concession stands such as at flea markets and carnivals around here. They actually have a treat consisting of, Oreo cookies dipped and deep fried in funnel cake batter. How's that for the ultimate in unhealthy snacking.

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