Yeah, yeah, I'm alive, and working on that Macy's Review. It's long, it'll take a while. Meantime, get a load of this here that. Last night, as has been tradition since I was a child, we hit this Christmas fair at a local church. There's never anything good there, but I have to go. Tradition, see. They've been hocking the same gross cupcakes since before I was confirmed, and their white elephant table (like a yard sale of donated crap) is always out of the good stuff by the time I get there, but whatever, if I can kill an hour in God's house watching all the kids beg their parents to buy them that one bunny from the pet table that's always present for no apparent reason, that's good enough for me.
The biggest aspect of the fair? Raffles. They get all of the neighborhood folk and schools to donate various baskets full of gifts, toys, doodads and whatnot, and all visitors find themselves sucked into buying multiple tickets for them. The larger raffles were for 400 dollar TRU gift certificates, a six foot stocking packed with toys and games, DVD/VCR/TV combos, game systems and so on. The rest of the raffles weren't crappy, either -- I had my eye on a wicker basket full of really strange DVDs that I couldn't believe made their way into the place I usually see babies baptized at, like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I wanted a whole lot of stuff, and I bought a whole lot of tickets.
No, I mean, A LOT of tickets. To put things into perspective, I found myself to be such a compulsive gambler that, even after casinos in Atlantic City were throwing hundreds of comp dollars, free rooms and meals and all that other shit my way, I couldn't bring myself to go back in fear of what I'd do to my bank account. I'm really, really bad with this kind of stuff, and the amount of raffle tickets I bought last night is too embarrassingly high to admit. Point is, I totally should've won everything I went in on. But there was one little catch...
The especially large prizes were raffled off singularly, and no, I didn't win any of those despite having more tickets in those jars with my name on them that the total sum of tickets without my name on them. The smaller baskets, which were still generally filled with awesome stuff and very, very numerous, were raffled off in groups. So, like that basket full of DVDs I wanted? That was one of five baskets in "Group U." At the end of the night, they pull five names out of the "Group U" coffee can, and the prizes are assigned in accordance with whomever they pick first. It's kind of a crapshoot -- your chances of winning something are in theory increased, but your chances of winning what you're actually trying for are criminally decreased. Still, with the amount I spent, I just wanted to win something, anything.
And, I did. Since you write your name on phone number on each ticket you enter, there's no reason to stick around for the five-hour drawing ceremony at night. We headed home, and sure enough, I get a call an hour or so later. "Hello, is this Matt? Your name was drawn for basket 'U2.' Please pick it up tonight if possible." Obviously, we zoomed back over there salivating at the opportunity to fetch this esteemed major award. I couldn't remember the basket titles, of course, and had no idea what wonderful gifts "U2" would bring. But it was a prize. My prize.
Click "more" to see the contents of Church Christmas Fair Raffle Prize Basket #U2.
Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.
"U2" was easily the most laughable raffle prize of the bunch. I was embarrassed just carrying the thing out of the church. I still can't believe someone put this hideous basket together and thought there might be a person on the planet, much less in our city, who would get a kick out of it. Don't let the brouhaha and pretty ribbons fool you -- this is complete and utter crap. A breakdown:
Two plastic coffee cups. Stains indicate: two plastic used coffee cups.
A box of various cocoa mixes. Ah! Now the used coffee cups make sense. They're cocoa cups! Yahoo!
Even the bargain bin won't touch these books. "Cosbyology?" What kind of a sick joke is this? Cocoa, plastic cups and Cosbyology? The other books are similarly obsolete and/or completely worthless, but as a concession, they were sure to add in a "Smile! God Loves You!" bookmark.
REPLIES: 118 comments
Yeah, that's horrible. Wasn't even worth the drive back, I'd say.
Chestnuts roasted by Josh @ 11/21/2004 12:19 PM EST
Raspberry cocoa? This church is sick.
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. Mr. Mr. @ 11/21/2004 12:29 PM EST
That basket makes baby Jesus cry. A lot.
Chestnuts roasted by Thaddeus H. Gramophone @ 11/21/2004 12:30 PM EST
Come on man, Cosbyology is pure gold.
I think.
Chestnuts roasted by Discharger @ 11/21/2004 12:32 PM EST
Pretty crappy prize, but...
I TOTALLY have that 'Do Fish Drink Water' book! It's pretty neat. Bought it from the bargain bin.
Chestnuts roasted by Rainbowfeet @ 11/21/2004 12:33 PM EST
USED Cocoa cups? man thats wrong, and can i have your caramel cocoa?
Chestnuts roasted by 7th_Sephiroth @ 11/21/2004 12:34 PM EST
where can i sign up for Cosbyology 101?
Chestnuts roasted by throwinrobots @ 11/21/2004 12:44 PM EST
im in the fist 10 comments? amazing. well x-mas IS coming, can you say "re-gift??"
Chestnuts roasted by VolklMonkey @ 11/21/2004 12:47 PM EST
Not exactly gold, that's for sure. On the other hand, cocoa is cocoa. 
Chestnuts roasted by BlakeMP @ 11/21/2004 12:53 PM EST
Mmmm...delicious cocoa.
Chestnuts roasted by Shroudie @ 11/21/2004 01:04 PM EST
Man, what a sucky basket. The John Grisham book is not too bad though. Haven't read that one, but I've read some of his early books and they were ok, especially the Firm. Other than that, I think you got hosed. Raffles are just a way to consume all your money so that you think that you have a chance of winning something, because you know, winning something is better than nothing at all but in your case Matt, I think I would rather have won nothing at all.
Chestnuts roasted by Storm Shadow @ 11/21/2004 01:05 PM EST
The John Grisham book isn't total crap. The exception to that is if you are anything other than an old lady. I work in a library and I see his books circulate throught the retired soccer-mom book clubs constantly 
Chestnuts roasted by Legenerale @ 11/21/2004 01:05 PM EST
I'd rather my basket be totally without merit than with some minute semblance of merit, and refuse to ever open these books in fear of finding something remotely interesting.
Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 11/21/2004 01:06 PM EST
It Just Hit me!!! The idea here, is to become a member of a cocoa-sipping old ladies book club. You have two mugs in case you leave your first at the hair dresser, and the first three required readings. You can even share cocoa with your fellow bookies!
Chestnuts roasted by Legenerale @ 11/21/2004 01:09 PM EST
Those are all ingredients to the perfect Christian date:
Drop the lights, prepare some cocoa processed by the people who make butter in slightly used plastic cups (any lipstick stains?), wax eloquently with excerpts from Cosby's book... Voila! Guaranteed celibacy!
THIS is the church's method for preventing pre-marital sex!
Chestnuts roasted by Nachokhaki @ 11/21/2004 01:21 PM EST
well matt, i'm afraid the question of the hour still has yet to be answered -
DO fish drink water?
Chestnuts roasted by jim. @ 11/21/2004 01:26 PM EST
You will still be back next year though.
Chestnuts roasted by pulseczar @ 11/21/2004 01:38 PM EST
I once went to a Cosbyologist to remove a Jello Pudding Pop that I sat on
Chestnuts roasted by dr mindbender in a speedo @ 11/21/2004 01:42 PM EST
Hmmm... a basket of cups, cocoa, and Cosby... that sir, is pure GOLD!!!
Ok... Ok... it's pretty brutal, but I just wanted to cheer you up! LOL
Chestnuts roasted by Croww @ 11/21/2004 01:44 PM EST
HA that sucks, re-gifting is in order for sure!
Chestnuts roasted by IHAQ @ 11/21/2004 01:48 PM EST
Hey now, it's all in God's plan! ::stiffled laughter:: Who am I kidding? And it's Land ) Lakes Cocoa... not even the GOOD stuff!
But hey... smile. At least God loves you, right?
Chestnuts roasted by Meg @ 11/21/2004 01:56 PM EST
Coulda been worse...you coulda ended up with another copy of the Treehouse Trolls video.
Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 11/21/2004 01:57 PM EST
Cosbyology is good for one of two things. Either do the obvious thing by having toys act out his whimsical essays, or turn your home/site into a Cosbyology center and become tax free in the name of our true TV father.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086687/quotes
[Cliff picks up something strange from Theo's desk and stares at it]
Theo: I don't know what it is Dad, but I can't throw it away until I find out.
Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 11/21/2004 02:01 PM EST
Wow, I thought Cosbytology was at least a DVD, but I was wrong. That sucks especially if your like me and reading a novel is the last on your list of stuff to do. I was wondering if you've ever (or ever will) do a article on those old (well mid-late 90s) Coca-Cola Holiday commercials that always told me it was the start of the holiday. They stopped playing em, ultimatly putting an end to my holiday joy, much like the absense of Marc Summers Halloween magic show special put an end to halloween for me. Aw man
Chestnuts roasted by James @ 11/21/2004 02:08 PM EST
Man what a load of crap. And not even fun crap, terrible terrible crap. Making you drive back for that garbage was an insult in the name of God. That's like getting a swirlie from a priest.
Chestnuts roasted by squee4242 @ 11/21/2004 02:11 PM EST
Mattel brings back Captain Power interactive technology for new Batman toys:
http://www.toymania.com/news/messages/4637.shtml
Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 11/21/2004 02:18 PM EST
Bummer dude, especially if the number of raffle tickets bought was so embarrassingly high.
Chestnuts roasted by Meglo @ 11/21/2004 02:18 PM EST
Sorry, should have typed "Captain Power-like" above. Had Captain Power been a hit, the technology would have evolved through various toy competitors to the current Batman version before now anyway.
Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 11/21/2004 02:25 PM EST
The Cos just wants you to read his book...and buy lot's of Jello Puddin Pops AND buy "Ghost Dad" on DVD,VHS and Beta.
The coca flavors sound tastey though.
Chestnuts roasted by Adam @ 11/21/2004 02:30 PM EST
uh huh huh huh........ you said Ghost Dad....hehehehe
Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 11/21/2004 03:01 PM EST
it is remarkable how bill cosby ended up in so many bad movies (i'm not counting Himself because that's a stand up routine). Speaking of which, that new Fat Albert movie I saw a commercial for the other day doesn't look too promising but that remains to be seen. Bill does make a cameo in the movie so perhaps the movie is cursed....?
Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 11/21/2004 03:04 PM EST
I like pudding...and Ghost Dad is the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.
Chestnuts roasted by Luap @ 11/21/2004 03:41 PM EST
I call dibs on the Double Fudge Cocoa *shifty suspisious look*
Chestnuts roasted by Troy @ 11/21/2004 03:45 PM EST
EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY!
X-E on my google has now dropped to #3 for Giant Ape Juice
We need backup
Chestnuts roasted by Troy @ 11/21/2004 03:58 PM EST
Okay, so maybe this makes me a complete nerd but I sorta want to read the "Do Fish Drink Water" book.
When I was a kid and was dragged to those "white elephant" rummage sales in our neighborhood, I was always severely disappointed that no actual white elephants were to be found there.
Chestnuts roasted by ChaosKitty @ 11/21/2004 04:00 PM EST
Me and my inner Theo Huxtable live in a Cosbyotic state of mind
Chestnuts roasted by dr mindbender in a speedo @ 11/21/2004 04:09 PM EST
hey matt, those cocoa's are good... especially the raspberry one...
Chestnuts roasted by big jerm @ 11/21/2004 04:28 PM EST
I'd rather my basket be totally without merit than with some minute semblance of merit, and refuse to ever open these books in fear of finding something remotely interesting.
Posted by Matt @ 11/21/2004 01:06 PM EST
Maybe you could re-gift the books you think might be interesting to someone you know doesn't want them, then have him/her re-re-gift the books back to you. Thay way, they will no longer be part of the basket. They'd be separate gifts that someone else gave you. Then you can read them without the fear that they will be "remotely interesting". Then, finally, you cen tell us whether or not fish drink water, so everyone's happy, except the person you re-gifted to.
Chestnuts roasted by gmfbrown @ 11/21/2004 04:29 PM EST
Damn matt got me all excited for a good review of a bunch of odds and ends crap, but turned out to be just plain old CRAP....You should try selling the shit on ebay and claim super rare to get some raffle money back...heck you will need it for next year right
Chestnuts roasted by LordSorrow @ 11/21/2004 05:25 PM EST
I'd send that basket straight back to the church. Tell them that God told you to do it.
Chestnuts roasted by Mikey @ 11/21/2004 05:40 PM EST
The John Grisham book isn't that bad. I like his stuff though. I still really hate Cosby and I would've taken that book out before I left the church and maybe held my own raffle for it. Same for everything else in the basket actually, see if you could've made some money back.
Chestnuts roasted by Stacey @ 11/21/2004 06:07 PM EST
HA HA! You got a lame prize!
What am I saying? People in my family gave me odd or lame gifts like that over the years.
For some reason I always get those soap and perfume gifts.
Chestnuts roasted by AngeFaitore @ 11/21/2004 06:32 PM EST
Ok, I'll take the initiative and answer the question. Freshwater fish do not drink water because they absorb it, seawater fish do drink water and then use their gills to filter out the salt. Also noteworthy is the fact that both types of fish are very fond of Raspberry cocoa 
Chestnuts roasted by Byrd man @ 11/21/2004 06:44 PM EST
My eight-year-old cousin once won a TV/VCR combo at his church. I was even there last Halloween,and they were raffling off new PCs and stuff.
I think you picked the wrong church.
Chestnuts roasted by Overlord @ 11/21/2004 08:07 PM EST
No wonder you're non-practicing, I might stop too if that was all it is.
Chestnuts roasted by ANdrew @ 11/21/2004 08:09 PM EST
Haha! I feel sorry for you Matt. That basket looks pretty damn awful except for the cocoa.
[QUOTE=BartSimpson]Hey SwissMiss! (Lay off the cocoa)[/QUOTE]
Chestnuts roasted by Couch @ 11/21/2004 09:02 PM EST
Anyone know of any good churches to join to get free crap, or at least good raffle odds?
And curse whoever mentioned Pudding Pops. I've been to every store in my area since they came out again, and nobody has them. I filled out comment cards asking the, to stock them, but NO. I evem talked to a manager and was assured he'd look into it. And the pain just grows everyday.
Chestnuts roasted by Shelby @ 11/21/2004 09:04 PM EST
Everytime I see the title "My Major Award!" it gives me giggles. Hey, at least you didn't get a fishnet-stockinged leg for a table lamp. Unless you would have liked that.
Chestnuts roasted by Kay @ 11/21/2004 09:18 PM EST
I think that basket o' crap is a sign from God that you should donate it to the thrift store. While you're there, maybe you could find something actually worth the money you spent on raffle tickets. Like - oh, I don't know - an old man's tweed coat 9donated after his death, natch) w/ a $100 bill sewn into the lining.
Hey, you never know.
Also, the person who donated this basket has obviously regifted it her/himself. I mean, do people who regularly watch The Cosby Show read John Grisham? I mean, I'm sure some do, but I don't think it's assumed. Suspense thriller/laywer fiction, essays from the Pudding Pop King(klash - just kidding, don't hurt me!), and kooky questions answered by the Xerox Man... it just doens't make sense. Hey, maybe you could try returning the cocoa and books to Walmart to see if they'll give you a credit. then you could actually buy something you want (like Shrek hands or one of those Fur Real cats to freak your own animals out).
Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 11/21/2004 09:22 PM EST
Are you serious, Kay? I bet Matt would shit himself if he won a fishnet stockinged leg in a raffle. Especially if it was frageelay.
I think Kingklash has been taken over by Dr. Mindbender. [knock, knock], you in there, dude?
Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 11/21/2004 09:26 PM EST
Cosby may not make good movies, but his TV shows, stand-up performances, and books are undeniably good. Plus you go cocoa. All that alone are worth the trip back. The cups, though, I would be concerned about if they're used. No opinion on the other two books.
Chestnuts roasted by ShadowWing the Technorganic Autobot @ 11/21/2004 09:46 PM EST
Well, at least you got the cocoa, if nothing else. You're better than the 200 or so folks in your parish who didn't win. Donate or give the books away and toss the cups or find another use for them. I can heartily say that the cocoa is good, as I get it all the time down here in South Jersey on sale - the mint is wonderful, like drinking a peppermint patty.
Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 11/21/2004 09:47 PM EST
Okay, this has nothing to do with this entry...this is in reference to your 2004 vending machine extravaganza. I wanted to post the comment there, but I can't comment to archived entries, apparently. Which sucks, as I don't get to come here as often as I'd like. So because I don't get to read the articles when they come out, I can't add my two cents when I do read them? Bummer. But it's okay, I still love you. Anyway, here's what I was going to say:
OH MY GOD, The Chicken Machine. This is why I am head over heels completely in love with you, Matt. You bring back good memories from my childhood.
I had TOTALLY forgotten about the good ol' chicken. I don't even remember where the one I often got stuff from was, but I remember thinking that it was the coolest thing in the whole world. Like someone else mentioned, mine had super special GOLD EGGS and if you got one of those, you got something cooler than the usual glorified plastic crap. I've no idea what, though. But as a child, it was awesome, even if it was crap.
Thank you thank you thank you...for this site and your articles and just for being the coolest person on the planet. I heart you.
Chestnuts roasted by Nikkii @ 11/21/2004 10:14 PM EST
The Cosby book made me think of that scene from The Simpsons:
"Kids today listen to the rap music which gives them brain damage with all the hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin! So, they don't know what the jazz...is all about! See, the jazz is like jello pudding...no, more like Kodak film. No, the jazz is like the New Coke...it'll be around forever! Heh heh heh..."
Chestnuts roasted by The Dragon @ 11/21/2004 10:38 PM EST
I don't get why anyone buys cocoa mix when it's so easy to make real cocoa. And the real stuff tastes a thousand times better.
A recipe:
3/4 milk warmed, but not boiled
2 tablespoons sugar
2 teaspoons unsweetened cocoa powder
Pinch of salt
1/4 teaspoon vanilla
Combine dry ingredients in mug, add milk and vanilla, stir and enjoy.
How often do you see something like this on x-e, huh? It's value added!
P.S. Don't be chintzy with the salt. It's what makes it taste good.
Chestnuts roasted by Josh @ 11/21/2004 10:57 PM EST
The Fat Albert movie will bomb.....Just saw the second episode of Tom Goes to the Mayor. I'm not really sure what to think of that show. It has some funny parts but not laugh out loud hilariousness. We'll see what happens
Chestnuts roasted by phunqsauce @ 11/21/2004 11:47 PM EST
Thanks for making me feel justified in ignoring religion...
I feel a bit ignorant, but what exactly does a "white elephant sale" mean? I assume it means there's a big white table, but that sounds too obvious to be the answer...
Chestnuts roasted by Mara @ 11/21/2004 11:54 PM EST
Oh, and to help Troy out:
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Chestnuts roasted by Mara @ 11/21/2004 11:56 PM EST
And to help Troy and Mara:
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Chestnuts roasted by Wookie @ 11/22/2004 12:03 AM EST
A correction to the recipe above: It should be 3/4 CUP milk.
Chestnuts roasted by Josh @ 11/22/2004 12:36 AM EST
You think that's a cruel joke? My raffle ticket scored me "The Bill O'Reilly Factor FOR KIDS!" I'd jump for joy at a fucking Cosbyology book now.
Chestnuts roasted by Mike Fireball @ 11/22/2004 12:54 AM EST
Well the fish-sleeping book is trivia...and the cocoa mixes look yummy. Everything else? Leave for grab-bag gifts.
Chestnuts roasted by Divaah46 @ 11/22/2004 01:22 AM EST
And they wonder why the wayward Catholic in me won't go back to Church?
My church did raffles like that as well, great prizes, crappy odds.
You would be better spent playing the Texas lotto, giving some of your winnings to church (so you don't burn in Hell), and then going on a coke binge.
Semper Fi,
Erik Majorwitz
Chestnuts roasted by EMajorwitz @ 11/22/2004 01:24 AM EST
First of all, I gotta say, don't diss da Cosby. That man still fuckin rulz!
But if it weren't for that "WTF" book, I'd say the people who put that basket together oughta be shot. Used coffeee cups? Ha! What were they thinkin! Although, I could probably find a use for the cocoa mix. And seeing as I don't have coffee cups, which are kind of needed inorder drink cocoa, I could probably use those too. But still, the people who put that basket together oughta shot!
To those of you who put this basket together: This is not a real threat.
Chestnuts roasted by Nate @ 11/22/2004 03:33 AM EST
Nate-Hey! I had to come up with 500 baskets! Ya think it was easy doin that!? I did what I fuckin' could! I'm takin ur ass 2 court!
As for you, Matt! You should just be fucking glad you won something from God! Ur burnin in Hell for all eternity!
In fact, ur all goin 2 Hell 4 readin' X-E! It's the devil's site! Matt's the 666 I tell you!
God loves you!
Chestnuts roasted by Basket Maker @ 11/22/2004 05:11 AM EST
OOOOO re-gift, big time, RE-GIFT RE-GIFT yeah. OMG, dude that is tragic
Chestnuts roasted by rimmie @ 11/22/2004 06:50 AM EST
Anyone ever want to know how to make homemade White Chocolate Cocoa, let me know. Mmmm-mmmm... for someone else. I hate white chocolate.
Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 11/22/2004 07:46 AM EST
I like the way the Cos himself looks utterly uninterested and embarrassed to be on the cover of this book. However, he does get points for the Uncle Remus-esque touch with the bird on his shoulder.
At least the cocoa justifies your millions of dollars spent...
Chestnuts roasted by manimal789 @ 11/22/2004 08:52 AM EST
Matt,
Was it the Holy Child fair? I went to that once as a kid and bought a Madballs pillow. Still got it.
Chestnuts roasted by Lou @ 11/22/2004 09:20 AM EST
I pity that basket!!!
ARRGGHHH!!!
Mr. T ANGRY!!!
Chestnuts roasted by Mr. T @ 11/22/2004 09:21 AM EST
If the coffee cups were stained it can mean only one thing...
that cocoa is deeee-licious...
Chestnuts roasted by Ryan @ 11/22/2004 09:35 AM EST
Frig Cosbyology. I'll take the cocoa packs, but not the used cups. I would have wanted a DVD basket. I like movies. I like buying movies. I work in a video store--it makes sense!!!
Chestnuts roasted by Allison @ 11/22/2004 10:07 AM EST
I'd really question that bookmark if I recieved such an ew basket.
Chestnuts roasted by kennef @ 11/22/2004 10:10 AM EST
Whats the deal with Land o Lakes cocoa? Is that new or like a jersey only deal?
Chestnuts roasted by Bennett @ 11/22/2004 10:10 AM EST
My boyfriend won almost $500 in a raffle at his church. He made it to the final round of the 50/50. You should have seen the consolation prizes given out each round to a "lucky loser." Our talbe laughed at the prizes, which were pretty much dollar store items. I work near a dollar store. I've seen these items before. Not worth the $100 raffle price.
Hehe, I just needed to post again. :-D
Chestnuts roasted by Allison @ 11/22/2004 10:10 AM EST
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the Cos's "cameo" of sorts on the Smurfs Lost episode. It's messed up, really. He's groovin' in his sweater, and he sticks his tounge out--it's blue!!!!!!!!!!!! You guys have probably seen this, but Matt, this would be good to review.
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/papasmurf.php
The song is more messed up than the video, but you gotta watch the Cos.
Side note--my co-worker Chris and I were discussing this link last Monday, and he mentioned "Ghost Dad." He kept rambling about the movie, citing words like "deep" and "cinematic masterpiece." He better not deny this, b/c he said it. Did I mention work wasn't busy?
Chestnuts roasted by Allison @ 11/22/2004 10:36 AM EST
I am new to XE and it rocks! I spent all weekend looking at the archives. Some of the time was spent in warm nostalgia, but the rest of the time I was laughing my head off like a maniac!
Matt, you have made another fan. Thanks for your hard work and for posting stuff that warms our hearts, if are funny bones aren't tickled to death first!
Chestnuts roasted by BDBpper @ 11/22/2004 11:14 AM EST
Cosby sure looks tired in that picture. Perhaps he is fatigued by the torments of the demonbird.
Chestnuts roasted by Ubu Rex @ 11/22/2004 11:18 AM EST
AAAHHH! Giant Ape Juice! GIANT APE JUICE IN MY EYE! Just had a busy weekend down here where Tornado Alley crosses the Bible Belt. Had a Family Obligation to go to Saturday afternoon. And for Today, I am here keeping the store open whilst Mama goes to Will Rodgers International with my brother-in-law and my nephews because my Sister is coming in from Iraq for two weeks just in time for Thanksgiving! Woo-hoo! I'm so excited, I culd prob'ly drink whole cases of Jones' Holiday Sodas and not even notice. But to keep occupied, and keep from having my head a-splode, I'll try to answer Mara's question. "White Elephant" means an item no one knows what to do with. In the ancient time of the Far East, if you angered the king, but not enough for a swift clobberin', he would give you a white elephant. A rare animal indeed, but the upkeep is killer. As a Royal Gift, you couldn't re-gift or destroy it, or even use it as a pack animal, and the end result is you end up in the poorhouse. Punishment with a smile.
GIANT APE JUICE!
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 11/22/2004 12:30 PM EST
Dude, those are totally your next 5 articles right there.
Chestnuts roasted by vasdb @ 11/22/2004 12:30 PM EST
That shit says cocoa classics...mmhmmm I dont think there is anything classic about them, I think the only classic is you know plain old hot cocoa... Am I wrong? I mean I dont think classic carmel hot cocoa...I bet they made that cocoa 20 years ago, and dusted it off and shoved it into that classic packaging..the flavoring in the cocoa is just old mold...
Chestnuts roasted by LordSorrow @ 11/22/2004 12:39 PM EST
Wow...I guess you can always donate it next year and set up surveillance to see what loser ends up "winning" the Cosbyology package next year.
Chestnuts roasted by Karl @ 11/22/2004 12:47 PM EST
That basket gives poop a bad name.. and 10,000 points to me for making a Bon Jovi/poop reference..
Chestnuts roasted by Adam @ 11/22/2004 01:12 PM EST
This basket goes beyond making baby Jesus cry. Every baby cries, why should he be any different. This basket makes baby Jesus' eyes bleed!
Chestnuts roasted by Nick @ 11/22/2004 01:17 PM EST
I received a Fishnet Stocking Lamp for xmas last year, then got divorced and moved 2000 miles. Had to give it away before I moved.
They sell them on Amazon. GIANT APE JUICE!
Chestnuts roasted by Ron @ 11/22/2004 01:51 PM EST
About ten years ago, I did something similar to this and got a heart shaped box full of potpourri. I consider it of similar worth.
Chestnuts roasted by jason @ 11/22/2004 02:01 PM EST
Its times like this it makes you wonder; "What Would Jesus Do"
Chestnuts roasted by Dik Fishman @ 11/22/2004 02:07 PM EST
That reminds me of my highschool graduation... the day before we didn't have class. Instead there was a day of hanging around with your friends and goofing off down at the football field, signing annuals and whatnot.
Everybody in school was signed up for a huge raffle-thing the school was having, and throughout the day people would be called up to claim prizes. I knew there was an N64 with a buttload of games which had yet to be claimed, so I was excited when my name was called (not too hopeful, but at least I was gonna win something).
I got a damn orange bucket hat.
Chestnuts roasted by Night_Trekker @ 11/22/2004 02:09 PM EST
hai... i've solved the mystery... fish DO and DON'T drink water... how there could be an entire book on this otherwise Unsolved Mystery-esque dilema i do not know... for more information please kill yourself or go to:
http://www.kidsoutandabout.com/articles/nature/fishdrinkwater.html
Chestnuts roasted by q @ 11/22/2004 02:18 PM EST
Now, from the secret vinyards of the upper-middle Raditz Valley, just in time for the big season: Giant Ape Juice Holiday Edition Limited Run Gold Label Mk-IV Extra Dry Double Bold Chunky Style with Bonus Packet of Special Recipe Mix Boullion/Cherry Pop Rocks. Buy a case today! It's what the Destructor serves to his family at the holidays!
singing:
GIANT APE JUICE
GIANT APE JUICE
What would we do without it?
GIANT APE JUICE
GIANT APE JUICE
Our label has three shirtless boys and Santa in a thong!
GIANT APE JUICE
GIANT APE JUICE
Buy it now or we release the photos!
(giant ape juice, hand squeezed in the dead of noon. if rash develops, scoot around in the driveway.)
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash's muse is armed with a wooden spoon! @ 11/22/2004 02:56 PM EST
I also want to help:
Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice Giant Ape Juice
Chestnuts roasted by J-Dog @ 11/22/2004 03:10 PM EST
This is Giant Ape Juice war! Damn you, Bigger Than Cheeses! No Giant Ape Juice for you! Here is what the BTC site says at the bottom, about Giant Ape Juice:
"GIANT APE JUICE! Yes. Giant ape juice. We aim to be at least the #2 giant ape juice referrer on the entire internet. Can't get enough of that sweet, sweet giant ape juice. Do you want some giant ape juice yet? Sure you do."
We must not let them win! X-E is the Giant Ape Juice king!
Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 11/22/2004 03:39 PM EST
Oh Matt you have to get something out of this shitty basket. That's why I'm jumping on the Giant Ape Juice bandwagon.
Matt is and forever will be the Giant Ape Juice King!!!
Giant Ape Juice makes a good X-mas gift. Giant Ape Juice should be sold in 4 packs. Giant Ape Juice is the drink of many a wage slave. Giant Ape Juice has only one man that can represent and bring da noise and that is Matt.
BTC is a punk. Matt and his Giant Ape Juice army will rise from the ranks and destroy the tyranny that is BTC.
Giant Ape Juice the war has just begun!!!
Chestnuts roasted by punkrockmom24_7@yahoo.com @ 11/22/2004 03:53 PM EST
In the midst of my anger I forgot to edit my post so my email wouldn't show.
Weeee...I am lame.
No mass mails and freaky shit please.
Chestnuts roasted by PRM247 @ 11/22/2004 03:56 PM EST
I've never seen that much suck in one place at once...
Chestnuts roasted by Black Zarak @ 11/22/2004 04:11 PM EST
phunqsauce, if you haven't already, check out Tim and Eric's site for their ealier oddly funny videos (Including the original Tom shorts and their TV pilot made up of many of the videos):
http://www.timanderic.com/movies/index.html
Tom Goes To The Mayor promos for those who have not seen the show:
http://timanderic.com/new_movies/tompromo1.mov
http://timanderic.com/new_movies/tompromo2.mov
http://timanderic.com/new_movies/tompromo3.mov
http://timanderic.com/new_movies/tompromo4.mov
Chestnuts roasted by ME @ 11/22/2004 04:27 PM EST
And now.....
X-E is powered by Giant Ape Juice.
Giant Ape Juice is inextricably bound to X-Entertainment.
X-E/Giant Ape Juice in '08!
All mentions of Giant Ape Juice are subliminal endorsements for X-Entertainment.
Giant Ape Juice, it's giant-y, it's ape-y, it's juicy.
Giant Ape Juice, official drink of the Giant Ape Juice Dancers.
I've been to Paradise, but I've never been to Giant Ape Juice.
(smacks forehead) I coulda had a Giant Ape Juice!
By The Power of Giant Ape Juice!
Our Goal shouldn't just to be the #1 spot for Giant Ape Juice, but with also the most eclectic uses of Giant Ape Juice. BTC needs (Giant Ape Juice) to be shown that (Giant Ape Juice) we are the (Giant Ape Juice) masters of Giant Ape Juice!
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash wishes he was weaned on giant ape juice @ 11/22/2004 04:34 PM EST
Matt needs to do a review of Giant Ape Juice. That will hurtle X-E into a great, loping Giant Ape Juice lead.
Somebody stop the Giant Ape Juice.
Oh my darlin', oh my darlin', oh my darlin', Giant Ape Juice!
Can you hear my Giant Ape Juice now? Good.
Support Ronald McDonald House with Giant Ape Juice.
I like the Giant Ape Juice in you!
There's a hole in my Giant Ape Juice, dear 'Liza, dear 'Liza, dear 'Liza. There's a hole in my Giant Ape Juice, dear 'Liza. A hole...
Chestnuts roasted by trajeal, now in grape flavored Giant Ape Juice @ 11/22/2004 06:06 PM EST
We are now offically insane, aren't we?
Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 11/22/2004 06:08 PM EST
Holy Moley in glass of Giant Ape Juice! My Sis showed up! She just left to go home, shower and put something on that ain't fatigues. Dudes line up on the left for High Fives, Ladies on the right for more High Fives! (I respect personal space.) Yowza, yowza, Yow-Za! I think I'll dance like the old guy from Holy Grail, "I'm happy! I'm happy!"
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash is on a Giant Ape Juice high! @ 11/22/2004 06:24 PM EST
nothin' wrong with a thousand cups of cocoa, but land o lakes cocoa...? i dunno, definately sounds iffy. at the very least the basket looks like it's worth keeping for...something, kindling maybe?...but the rest can be burned and the ashes scattered to the four winds...sorry bill, but you should have stopped with the jello.
Chestnuts roasted by PlanetXprssSpaceMonkey @ 11/22/2004 06:29 PM EST
What if Land-o-Lakes cocoa REALLY was Giant Ape Juice?
I can't get no Giant Ape Juice...
I can't get no Giant Ape Juice
though I squeeze, and I mash,
and I squeeze, and I mash...
I can't Get NO... yeah yeah yeah.
9 out of 10 dermatologists recommend Giant Ape Juice over any other primate juice.
I wonder what kind of song Adam Sandler would make about Giant Ape Juice?
And on a last note:
Fur, lice, banana
A fragrant wind
A shimmering leaf
Giant Ape Juice
Chestnuts roasted by Yzziefrog @ 11/22/2004 08:36 PM EST
the cocoa is awesome! im sure it's tastier than green bean soda. oh yeah, the nintendo ds and mario 64 are the best things on earth. you should ask santa for them both!
Chestnuts roasted by ELF @ 11/22/2004 08:53 PM EST
Have a great time w/ your sis, Giant Ape - oops, I mean, kingklash. Do you guys celebrate all holidays while she's home? Or will she be back before the end of the year?
Has anyone commented on the new Xmas stickers at the top of the Trapper Keeper/blog page? I nocited them days ago but haven't gotten around to mentioning anything. I love the driving Gizmo one. Beep, beep!
Not very original, I know.
Love to drink Giant Ape Juice
'Cause it's good
Love to drink Giant Ape Juice
Like a good girl should.
Ape Juice for me
Ape Juice for you
Let's drink the Ape Juice
in my Giant shoe
Love to drink the turkey
And gravy soda
I once saw a movie
With Luke and Yoda.
Drink that fruitcake
From the bottle
Rush to see Chucky's Seed
Please don't doddle.
Mashed potato juice with
Butter on top
I pour that soda
On my corn that's popped.
Church raffles
Suck big time
All that money
For Cosby rhymes
Mix the turkey soda with cranberry
I get hives if I eat strawberries
Ape Juice for you and
Ape Juice for me
Christian Slater's name in Heathers was J.D.
Warm it up, cool it down
You just can't lose
Plug in too many Christmas lights
And you'll blow a fuse.
Ape Juice that's Giant
Retro cola photos
My favorite extinct animals
Are the dodos.
Suck down that butter
It's not that bad
Mix it with honeycomb
You'll get your own Nads.
Giant Ape Juice tastes like
Sweet potato pie
Save a bottle for me
Or I just may cry.
Ponies for the girls and
He-Man for the boys
Man, the 80s' had
Some of the best toys.
This is the end
Of my absurd song
It was fun to write and
It didn't take very long.
I think the insanity is spreading. Help!
Every time I hear that VISA promotion commercial ("too bad you didn't buy that much", I swear it's Bronson Pinchot talking. I have to look up every time to make sure it's not really him. Balki, where have you been? I'm afraid I'm going to spot you and you'll resemble Pee Wee herman when he starred in Buffy the Vampie Slayer.
Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 11/22/2004 10:15 PM EST
In the midst of my anger I forgot to edit my post so my email wouldn't show.
Weeee...I am lame.
No mass mails and freaky shit please.
Sorry, ma'am, but your name is "punkrockmom_24_7". How can I not Email you a million times and sign you up for extremely embarrassing things?
Chestnuts roasted by Mars @ 11/23/2004 01:54 AM EST
Well at least you got more than one lame raffle prize. When I was younger I won a half-completed Aladdin sticker book as a prize. I didn't even like aladdin. Remember, raffles are where useless shit goes to die.
Chestnuts roasted by Twackius @ 11/23/2004 01:58 AM EST
Hey Mars be nice. The name is a joke anyhow. Holy hell I am singing the Giant Ape Juice song now. Prm247 is really a chic that had a middrift on and a mohawk that I saw in the store buying Giant Ape Juice. No really she was...mars be nice okay.
Matt help.
Chestnuts roasted by prm247 @ 11/23/2004 02:10 PM EST
Giant Ape Juice?!!
This is the funniest thing I think I've ever seen! Seriously!
Chestnuts roasted by Dixon Deeper @ 11/23/2004 02:34 PM EST
Hey, be nice to prm247, or I'll give Mr. T your email address and you will forever be haunted by the assinine.
Chestnuts roasted by trajeal, now in grape flavored Giant Ape Juice @ 11/23/2004 03:50 PM EST
Oh we are still at #2 here people. We need to give Matt the supreme gift of Giant Ape Juice internet rule for Christmas. Christ at this point we'll never kick btc ass into submission.
Wanna, Wanna don't ya wanna, wanna
Giant Ape Juice in yr glass BTC is losing fast.
Giant Ape Juice kid tested mom approved.
Giant Ape Juice the choice of a new xe generation.
Giant Ape Juice with new cooling strip.
Giant Ape Juice with new flavor crystals.
Giant Ape Juice the stuff of legends.
One more for the road.
For relaxing times, make it Giant Ape Juice time.
Chestnuts roasted by thenewt4u @ 11/23/2004 04:45 PM EST
Go-go, Giant Ape Juice!
Here's to good friends,
Tonight is kind of special.
The Ape Juice we pour
Must be something more, somehoose.
So tonight (tonight, tonight)
Let it be Giant Ape Juice.
In brightest day, (Giant Ape Juice)
In blackest night, (Giant Ape Juice)
No Giant Ape Juice shall escape my sight. (Giant Ape Juice)
Let those who worship BTC's might, (Giant Ape Juice)
Beware X-E's power, (Giant Ape Juice)
Giant Ape Juice's might! (Giant Ape Juice)
Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 11/23/2004 06:19 PM EST
NUMBER THREE?
NO.
I want Giant Ape Juice!
No..I DEMAND Giant Ape Juice.
Give Giant Ape Juice to me. It's my Giant Ape Juice. Well, it's not my Giant Ape Juice YET...but when you give the Giant Ape Juice to me, it WILL be my Giant Ape Juice.
Then I alone shall retain control over Giant Ape Juice! Except for the other people who have Giant Ape Juice. They will have Giant Ape Juice as well. Which sucks, because I want to be the only one with Giant Ape Juice, and I'm not the only one with Giant Ape Juice, because you still haven't given me my Giant Ape Juice.
Giant Ape Juice hog.
Chestnuts roasted by That Guy Who Doesn't. But Does. NO. @ 11/23/2004 08:32 PM EST
What the fuck?
Chestnuts roasted by Tom @ 11/24/2004 12:45 AM EST
ha-my sister gave me cosbyology as a gag gift last christmas
Chestnuts roasted by salaciouscrum @ 11/24/2004 02:10 AM EST
At the risk of sounding like a tool. But what is the deal with Giant Ape Juice? Does Matt have an article dedicated to this unholy substance?
Chestnuts roasted by Gimpy421 @ 11/27/2004 06:29 PM EST
Seriously, pudding in the basket would have made more sense.
There's a few tapes at my apartment with episodes of Captain Power on them. I'm hoping my boyfriend will run into the toys the next time we're at his parents' house...I want to see if they still work.
Chestnuts roasted by Sara @ 11/29/2004 01:49 PM EST
I don't think Bono would approve.
Chestnuts roasted by Summer @ 11/30/2004 05:57 PM EST
Ha ha! I actually think that's a cool basket ... I want free hot chocolate! And the books don't look that bad ... maybe I'm just a huge nerd
~M.
Chestnuts roasted by Martha @ 12/01/2004 07:58 PM EST
