12/20/2004 Entry: "Kid Cuisine's Holiday TV Dinner, '04 Edition."

The Advent and Advert Calendars have been updated, in case ya didn’t notice. Just so you know, I’m probably going to have to rerun old files for the remainder of the week on the Advent – I’m having trouble locating some of my tapes, and with time being such an issue, it’s easiest to consign myself to that than put up nadafinga. On the plus side, I’m pretty sure that those of you with nothing to do on Christmas Eve can stop by the site for a brand new holiday-themed full-length feature article. Yeah. It’s nothing too spectacular, but I didn’t want to have to wait until next Christmas to write about. Here’s a hint: enslaving dreidel.

At just about this time last year, I reviewed Kid Cuisine’s special edition holiday microwave meal – a fun, festive way to eat chicken nuggets and nuked mac & cheese. Though this year’s edition only makes a few cosmetic changes over the previous, I’m confident that anything with snowflake-shaped chicken deserves to be archived. Cheap, unhealthy and filled with all the goodies kids love, Kid Cuisine has spent the past few years really thinking outside the box with their line of heat-zapped fattycakes – whether by incorporating beloved kiddy icons like Shrek or Scooby Doo, or somehow creating mashed potatoes that turn your skin purple, the folks behind this micro-dynasty have finally listened to what we the public have been saying for a millennia: food tastes better when it has play value. Pomegranate, anyone?

The main course consists of a trio of holiday-shaped chicken nuggets, each fashioned like a snowflake or a snowman. It’s becoming rare to find chicken nuggets not shaped like something, so this isn’t exactly a groundbreaking news bit. Course, if we fudge things a bit and consider the snowflake nuggets ninja stars, we’ve just been afforded our first deadly weapon made entirely of chicken. The thought fills me with joy, but it’s just not the Christmassy kind of joy.

Also on hand are green beans, invited to the big eating party so that kids may continue to live by the diet guru mandate which states that we should always leave something on our plate. More interesting is the puddle of macaroni and cheese featuring winterized pasta shapes. I can’t make out what any of them are supposed to be, but the box says they’re wintery and boxes cannot lie. Finally, a pocket of hot pudding is topped with an included handful of colorful candies and sprinkles, transforming the globby mess into the kind of dessert that’ll have you building time machines just so you can eat it twice. The penguin/duck mascot dude is still present on the box, never quacking, but always engaged in some kind of sporting activity with a silly hat on. Available for a limited time only, if you can believe that.

Chestnuts roasted by Jeff Mack @ 12/20/2004 11:39 AM EST

For a second there, with the theme to NES Castlevania playing in my head durng the fight, I thought that MM and Einstein T. Waiterbot were going to get a little romantic. But she ripped his head off instead. Now that's a love story.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 12/20/2004 12:08 PM EST

Congratulations Muppet Baby on being a first poster! I dare to dream, I think I was #5 one time...

Got a Wednesday Appointment and an ultrasound so I'm stoked.

Anybody got any good girl names to go with Majorwitz?

Semper Fi,
Erik Majorwitz

Chestnuts roasted by EMajorwitz @ 12/20/2004 12:27 PM EST

Oh yeah every year the holiday kid cousine like clock work they put these out... it looks more of less like last years i think they add marshmellows or what ever the white things are in the pudding...

Chestnuts roasted by LordSorrow @ 12/20/2004 12:41 PM EST

MARE: Yay! It's Christmas Eve! We saved Santa! All is right w/ the world!

RANDOM JIM: I'm a pepper, you're a pepper, wouldn't you like to be a pepper, too.

KNACKS: Um...

SANTA: Ho, ho, ho. Thanks for saving me, Mare. Especially since I killed you last year w/ a flying dinosaur and all.

MARE: Don't mention it, Santa. I've let bygones be bygones. Let's just sing that New Year's Eve song together, "Old Zane Guy". Did Titanic sink, cuz Rose loved Jack? She never loved my cash!"

KUSE: Uh...

SANTA: Ho, ho. I think you mean, "Auld Lane Syne", Mare.

MARE: I played in Mikey Fox's hit, the one w/ Ol' Doc Brown!!

KNACKS: Sigh...

MARE: I ate some cow pies at the end, I'm Old Zane Guy..."

RANDOM JIM: Um, yeeeaaaahhh. About that TPS report...

MEGAMARE: Megamare love Giant Kitty. Muurrrr... Purrrrr...

GIANT KITTY: Random Jim has some problems, think I.

Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 12/20/2004 12:49 PM EST

Mega mare has boobs, and that's a jewish star not a snowflake.

Chestnuts roasted by fdgdfdfg @ 12/20/2004 12:57 PM EST

What about Mare Majorwitz?

Chestnuts roasted by Lovn Mooseful @ 12/20/2004 12:59 PM EST

How many weeks will your wife be at the ultrasound? I hope you're able to tell the gender. A name w/ two or three syllables would sound nice. Lindsay, Colleen, Julia, Daphne, Aubrey, Lucy, Naomi, Danielle, Natalie, Danica, Nicole and Violet all sound pretty w/ your last name. What are your stepdaughter's names? Do you have any family names that you like?

I love baby names. If we have a Mini Traj #4, she'll be Lucy Jean.

Chestnuts roasted by trajeal @ 12/20/2004 01:00 PM EST

As its been pointed out, one of those stars is shapped for chanukah: The star of david.

Something you want to tell us, Kid Cuisine?

Chestnuts roasted by Max @ 12/20/2004 01:41 PM EST

Am I the only one hoping Team Evil will pull through? ;_; I love MegaMare but come on. The Evil is what rocks.

Chestnuts roasted by princesspeachypoo @ 12/20/2004 02:56 PM EST

Unless MegaMare is MegaEvil!
Dun-dun-da-duuunnnnn!

Howabout: Lolita Beatrice del Tiempo Girly-girl Van Killthrill Majorwitz? Shiva for short.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 12/20/2004 03:12 PM EST

Hey Matt...I could have sworn you promised us a stuffed mushroom recipe around Thanksgiving...Christmas Eve is Friday and I promised my family stuffed mushrooms!

I know you are busy and I don't want to add more work to your life...I can get a recipe online somewhere...Just thought if by some chance you weren't busy, and had the recipe handy...

I guess I'll still love you either way...

Chestnuts roasted by B-Dawg @ 12/20/2004 03:21 PM EST

I'll try to give you it real quick off the top of my head:

Get however many mushrooms you need, remove stems.

Cut stems up to holy Hell. Add a couple of tablespoons of chopped garlic, a couple of tablespoons of chopped onion, and a little more than half a teaspoon of snipped up parsley. Combine everything in a bowl, add a generous amount of olive oil, stir like nuts. Add a big amount of breadcrumbs (I like 4C) -- can't give you an exact amount, but you should be able to still taste a bit of their crunch even after stirring. Add more if needed -- there should be a LOT of breadcrumbs.

Fill the mushrooms with the mixture. Slice up a piece or two of proscuitto, and insert a small piece into each mushroom with a fork/toothpick/whatever. Drizzle a little more oil over everything. Top each mushroom with parmesan cheese (grated), cook at 300-350 until done.

Chestnuts roasted by Matt @ 12/20/2004 03:31 PM EST

Awwwwwww yeah. Those sound AWESOME!Thanks so much! I am sure I can figure it out by taste! Woo!

Chestnuts roasted by B-Dawg @ 12/20/2004 03:35 PM EST

Well, its at about 3 inches here in Wisconsin, and I'm not talking about the man-meat dangling betwixt my legs. Got to leave work early since I drive about 30 miles. The boss wanted to make sure I got home okay, eh hehe.

I think Waiterbot should go into outer space and shoot death rays down at Claire and turn her into a Corey Haim zombie, and then fry that up with some olive oil...mmmmm, crack=head smack addict with olive oil. It don't get more Christmasy than that.

I got my bonus on Friday, sure was relieved not to get the Jelly of the Month club.

Chestnuts roasted by kidneyboy @ 12/20/2004 05:03 PM EST

Yech, Kid Cuisine.

Lean Cuisine and Weight Watchers are much better when it comes to frozen foods. Hell, they actually are healthier since they exercise portion control.

Kid Cuisine ought to be banned by international law as a WMD. It's that bad.

Chestnuts roasted by Bert Raccoon @ 12/20/2004 05:18 PM EST

Just thought I should let you know, Matt, in the first post-victory section, you have Kuse saying a line that sounds like it should be Knacks' or Kuse talking twice.

Chestnuts roasted by ShadowWing the Technorganic Reindeer @ 12/20/2004 05:46 PM EST

Oh, and YAY! GO TEAM GOOD!

Chestnuts roasted by ShadowWing double post attack @ 12/20/2004 05:46 PM EST

Today, I scored:

http://www.kentdog.com/images/ninjaturtleornament.jpg

Goodwill is your friend.

Chestnuts roasted by kentdog @ 12/20/2004 08:17 PM EST

I'm not going near Kid Cuisine unless they have edible snowmen icing again.

Chestnuts roasted by starwenn @ 12/20/2004 09:09 PM EST

I think, at the end of this year's advent calendar, I would like to see both Team Good and Team Evil coming together and having a 'Charlie Brown' type caroling session. Of course, all of their mouths would then have to be painted into big "O"s.

Chestnuts roasted by Muppet Baby @ 12/21/2004 01:36 AM EST

Seriously, did anyone ever get one of those "copper top testers" to work properly? I remember buying Duracells just because they had that tester and thought it would actually be useful. Instead of giving me a solid green line going up the strip and stopping at some point it just sorta turned the whole strip a brownish green color. I hate you Duracell!

Chestnuts roasted by Destro @ 12/21/2004 02:47 AM EST

Have you ever eaten a frozen dinner frozen? Nothing says yum like a breaded chicken popsicle or corn ice cubes.

Chestnuts roasted by Mangus @ 12/21/2004 08:36 AM EST

Matt: FYI, The link to the McNuggets add video (the new one) on the Advert Calendar just links back to the main page.

Chestnuts roasted by Cameron T. @ 12/21/2004 10:04 AM EST

We're in the home stretch, peoples! I have gotten my Shopping List done, and now will spend my lunch times battling wrapping paper, adhesive tape, ribbons, and nosy nephews. Due to behind-the-scenes work scheduling conflicts, Little Brother is coming down from Kansas on X-eve, so I can wrap his gift in relative peace. But his birthday is the 29th, so I still have to think of a gift for then.

Chestnuts roasted by kingklash @ 12/21/2004 11:37 AM EST

All I want for Christmas is for the fools to stop jibber-jabbering!!

Arrrg! Stuffed Mushrooms and gold chains for Christmas..
Arrghh!!
The evil Mare Winningham went to school with Kevin Spacey and Val Kilmer...

Arrggghh... Mr. T ANGRY!!

Chestnuts roasted by Mr. T @ 12/21/2004 11:44 AM EST

Mr. T,

I challenge you to an A-Team trivia contest. Matt, would you be kind enough to set up the live event and watch me dismantle this fool?

Chestnuts roasted by Mr. T killer @ 12/21/2004 03:59 PM EST

finally you begin to acknowledge (partially) that he is a penguin and not a duck.
glory, glory hallelujah I am filled with christmastime penguinlove.

that sounds really awful, forget I said it.

Chestnuts roasted by FangsFirst @ 12/21/2004 09:17 PM EST

I can't wait for X-mas day.... eating out at a Chinese restaurant topped off by an evening watching queens in sequined gowns lip-syncing Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas is You". Or perhaps, Madonna's or preferably Eartha Kitt's, rendition of "Santa Baby". Good times.

Chestnuts roasted by Traynor @ 12/22/2004 08:09 AM EST

my mom allowing me to get a kid cuisine was a call for me to almost shit my pants when i was just a wee bit. my little sis too. we'd throw little flecks of pudding skin to make it stick to the ceiling.

Chestnuts roasted by ceridwens_descent @ 12/22/2004 08:26 AM EST

the pudding-- your photo makes it look like translucent red slime, some sort of hypnotic alien excretion. I want it.

Chestnuts roasted by sticky @ 12/22/2004 08:32 AM EST

Althena Majorwitz

Chestnuts roasted by MetalRaven @ 12/22/2004 06:37 PM EST

The snowmen look like the Quaker Oats guy.

Chestnuts roasted by Kelly @ 12/22/2004 06:40 PM EST

OMG! I ate those things like crazy when I was a kid

Chestnuts roasted by Sam @ 12/22/2004 08:48 PM EST

I used to eat those alot as a kid.

I guess that why I went nuts and shot the mailman.

Well that or the Turtle Pies.

Chestnuts roasted by Adam @ 12/22/2004 10:45 PM EST

Marjorie Majorwitz. Then you could call her Marge. Marge Major. Margey Majorwitz. Major Margeywitz. Ok, I need sleep.

Chestnuts roasted by Earthworm Jane @ 12/23/2004 04:49 AM EST

Today= Best advent entry ever. Not necessarily funniest, but certainly the most epic. (She sprouted WINGS, for chrissake!)

Chestnuts roasted by Behonkiss @ 12/24/2004 01:16 PM EST

I used to actually like Kid Cuisine when I was 7 or 8. It looks revolting now. What was I thinking????

Chestnuts roasted by Allison @ 12/25/2004 05:16 PM EST

Kid Cuisine got me addicted to TV dinners. Thanks to the bastard duck and by extension, Hungry Man and TV's Kevin James, I can't eat less than a pound and a half of food at each sitting.

Chestnuts roasted by Captain Amazo @ 01/07/2005 05:15 PM EST

I think i saw some of the same stuff in that TV meal on CSI!!

Chestnuts roasted by Ariel @ 01/09/2005 05:37 PM EST

What the crap is that yellow stuff?

Chestnuts roasted by DietGirl(Ariel) @ 01/09/2005 05:43 PM EST

I this a real website?

Chestnuts roasted by whocouldthisbe @ 01/09/2005 05:45 PM EST

Last time i ate a kid cuisinisnsis meal, it came out looking the same as when i took it out of the microwave>

Chestnuts roasted by DietGirl @ 01/09/2005 05:49 PM EST

this is such a random website

Chestnuts roasted by dietgirl @ 01/09/2005 05:50 PM EST

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Chestnuts roasted by Dietgirl @ 01/09/2005 05:51 PM EST

i hope the penguin gets eaten by a polar bear!>

Chestnuts roasted by DietGirl @ 01/09/2005 05:54 PM EST

Thats some funny shit!!!

Chestnuts roasted by Spongebobeve @ 01/15/2005 12:21 AM EST